h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Just before 10am I had a phone call from my Mum. She's been told she's seriously ill. Her kidneys are working at only 15% and her blood pressure is way too low. Her appetite is gone and she's hardly eating. She's been put on iron tablets and bicarb, but it sounds like there's not much the GP can do with medication. She's going to be sent to a clinic but she won't know which one until this afternoon. The doctor also mentioned dialysis. A transplant isn't an option, partly because of her age, partly because she doesn't want one.

Mum told me not to cry, but I've been crying off and on since she called. I know she's not dead yet, but the news has come as a shock. Mum wants me to bury the hatchet and make friends with my sister who, for a change, has been helping Mum recently. I told Mum I'd try to be friendly next time I meet my sister, but I can't make any promises about how hubby will react. He's never forgiven my sister for pushing her first husband (a good friend of ours) to the verge of suicide. As an indication of the seriousness of the situation, Mum has given my sister our address and phone number in case the worst happens. Mum told me her belief in God is giving her strength and advised me to pray for strength to get through each day, which she is doing. She doesn't seem to appreciate that I'm an atheist and that praying to an entity I don't believe in isn't going to do me any good at all.

Now I'm going to struggle on with my OU assignment. I've told my tutor about receiving bad news and warned her it's likely to affect the quality of this assignment. Posting isn't helping get it done, I just needed to type out my troubles.

There is nothing anyone can say that will make you feel better. I'm sorry to hear about your mum.
actually, nothing to add except virtual and more virtual

Thanks for the virtual , Sho.

Hubby knew something was wrong as soon as he got in last night. I cried on his shoulder while he gave me a long hug.

Being me, I looked up Mum's prognosis on dialysis. According to the NHS website, somebody who starts dialysis in their 20s has an average life expectancy of 20 years which is why they try to get transplants for them, although some people have been on dialysis for over 30 years, apparently. Somebody who starts dialysis in their 70s has an average life expectancy of 4 years! Basically, I shouldn't expect Mum to see her 90th birthday. She's a fighter, though, so I might be lucky.

I once asked hubby which was worse, losing somebody slowly over a period of years, or losing them comparatively quickly. (His dad died of prostate cancer which went on for a few years, his mum died of stomach cancer within a few months of diagnosis.) It looks like I'm going to find out the hard way. Dad died of a major stroke 20 years ago, there one day, dead the next. I don't know how long Mum will be around, but I'm going to make the most of it.

my dad died very suddenly and totally unexpectedly 18 months ago. I still have those moments where I see something and think "oh Dad will love that" and then I remember and then it takes me a while to get back to where I was emotionally.

I think you know about that part with it being pretty much the same with your dad.

What I've found is that (although my mum was already over 70 when my dad died so not the same as your mum) my mum saw how it affected all of us and is being very careful to say the things she wants/needs to say, and to get everything in order so that all we'll have is the shock of losing her. She hasn't said as much but it's very obvious what she's up to. I wonder if your mum will take the same approach. From what you wrote she seems to be accepting of her diagnosis.

more and becuase you can never have enough. And your husband sounds lovely so I'm sure he will be by your side supporting you.

We went to the National Tramway Museum at Crich not long after my dad died. At one point I almost started crying because I thought, 'I'll have to ask Dad about that', and then realised that he wasn't around to ask any more. I'm already past the 'Mum would have loved that' stage. She told us some time ago not to buy her anything for her birthday or Christmas, because we'd only have to clear it out when she died.

Mum's already talking about us taking anything we want when we come over, so that there are no arguments and less to sort out when she dies. She's offered me some pewter (I think) dragon ornaments that she bought herself. I've told hubby that I'll get rid of some books (but only ones I can replace on Kindle!) to make room for them. She also has an old clock that we'd love to have, but we don't have anywhere to put it. So, yes, she has accepted the diagnosis and she knows she probably doesn't have much time left. I think that's why she wants me and my sister to patch things up. Having said that, she seems to have the wrong idea about how hubby and I feel about my sister. Mum seems to think we hate my sister and would have trouble exchanging two polite words with her. Actually, we're indifferent about my sister, we just don't want to be really chummy with her. We'll probably bite the bullet and send her a Christmas card this year, if nothing else.