h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hi Jane and Chai,

I've just got onto another god thread that is perhaps more open to people having their own beliefs. At any rate it's a new batch of people to talk to - though I still like the bunch on the original thread (even though I've blasted them a few times, as Chai knows). Anyhow, Jane, give the god thread another try if you like. Or try the other one. Yikes, can't remember exactly what it is called - it's on my personal page - something like, a new sort of business.

For sure there are a few Christians on this site and nobody makes them feel silly for having faith in their beliefs. At least, not so far.

yes, poor Mystrunner, though I got the feeling he was just repeating stuff he had heard rather than actually expressing things he truly believed. Could be wrong, but that was my intuitive take on him.

Now it's very late and I should be in bed because my back is still bothering me. So - buenas noches cariños!

az

I took time out to get into a separate chat with Mystrunner. He's 18, and attends Bible study group, and is quite confused in some areas of his beliefs. He really doesn't go for the "eternal damnation thing" to quote him, but has obviously had some very intense "conversion." So we've had some fairly serious talk about belief and faith. He's very sincere, which is admirable, but therefore a bit defensive in the face of the cynicism of BLicky badger and other "grumpy atheists."

Still, it's probably very good for him to rub up against so many different shades of belief. Maybe he'll become a little less patronising towards those of us he seems to consider to be "lost souls."

Yes I know is is 18 and this is why I felt he was talking a bit pompously, like he was wearing his dad's shirt collars for the first time (where does that come from - Dickens I think). Anyhow, nice that you are having more indepth chats with him, but he might want to get back on the god thread and try it out again without being so insecurely abrasive.

He can't ever feel defensive with me - the resident pantheist!

az
thought I was on my way to bed ages ago . . .

Me too, g'night

Hi Chai,

How are you??? haven,t heard from you for some time.

Please get back into the God thread, Toxxin is being pretty horrible to Az and she,s been quite upset, somehow or other this whole conversation has now turned into the issue of child abuse, Toxxin is slamming Az at every corner, trying to say that child abuse "is all in the mind" what a total pratt this person must be.

We need your eloquence and emotion to set the record straight!! I have said what I think, problem is I can,t type quite fast enough!!!!

Love

Jane

Hi Jane,

I've been away on holiday, and before that I got pretty fed up with the God thread precisely because it looked like becoming a slanging match. I have just got back from my holiday this evening, so I'll go and have a look at the God thread and see what's going on. Thanks for getting in touch.

Chaiwallah/Anto

I have been up for hours reading this thread. I think that all of us have suffered abuse in some form as children, and, the worse is always going to be from those we trust most, our parents.

My step-father had to live with cold parents whose idea of parenting was 'Children should be seen and not heard' which he applied to his step-children. Where he got the idea of sexually abusing me as well though is something else. He thought of me as being a worthless piece of humanity so I guess it was all right, in his mind, to do with me exactly as he wanted. Ahh well, such is life.

Like everyone else I too grew in fear, I too raged, I too parented the child within; I too am damaged but not beyond repair.

Life is so beautiful, life is so short and it’s the living of it which makes us survivors.

The sharing of so much raw and honest emotion on this thread moved me deeply.

Ameuc

hi Ameuc,

Welcome. I think just knowing one is not alone with this is a comfort. And tears sprung to my eyes when I read the bit you wrote about your step-father thinking of you as a 'worthless piece of humanity'. I sometimes think that this is the worst result of child abuse - the loss of self-worth. It takes so long to get that back.

Well, I don't know what I am doing up so late. Couldn't sleep so got on the computer about an hour ago (now it's 6am!) so I guess I should try and sleep some more if I can.

Nice meeting you. I read some of your poetry the other day. Strong stuff. I liked it. Anyhow, see you around, I hope.

az

Ameuc, I'm not so certain that abusers think their targets (I hate the word 'victim') are worthless, although that's how we end up seeing ourselves when it's happened. I think it's more about their lack of boundaries and that they feel the right to use us. It can give us great compassion.

I would agree Zar, with what you say. However, trust me, my step father did think me worthless, and used to tell me so, frequently. He also used to call me other names, frequently.
One of his favourites was that I was just a useless waste of space and there were some favourite racial remarks he made about the hue of my skin, used to be a golden tan whereas my twin sister was blonde and alabaster so there are all sorts of reasons for his betrayal of me as a parent, reasons that I understand, reasons that I do not accept as being reason at all just a sad reflection of his inability of being humane, but then my childhood was littered with loads of crap anyway, took me a long time to think of adults as being ok – always preferred being with children and animals.

I know how bad adults can be, and I know how wonderful they can be. Does this mean I can trust them? To some degree, yes. And that is good enough for me.

Hi ya az,

Yeah, I been finding this village comfortable. Thanks for reading my stuff - I keep adding bits of disjointed thoughts and observations, which usually means something is brewing in my mind and hopefully I shall have the creative juices flowing to create some stores, real ones this time, not just the poems I have been posting.

I think I never lost any sense of self worth because I didn't have any to start with - long story, won't bore you with it but suffice to say that my childhood really was a full blown growing experience because abuse takes on all forms from all places and nothing can ratify it.

Never mind though, now that I belong to the section 'adult' I have reached a balance where I am happy with living, you see I had a death wish since, well, even as young as two probably, although the first murmurings of not wanting to be a part of what I considered this life to be, hell on earth to use a cliché, actually came around the age of five. By the time I was eight, I tired to end it all by swallowing a long smelling and horrible tasting substance from a tube I found in my mother's bedroom, which had a skull and crossbones upon it, so I knew that death would result. When my mother found me, she took me to the hospital and when I came to I had the most dreadful pain in my stomach, although to this day I have no other recollection from that day other than the griping pains and being told how stupid I was to have done such a thing, and why did I do it and that I was a spoilt child and an attention seeker - it was a great homecoming.

Anyways, life continues and life is wonderful.

hi again Ameuc,

Have you been up all night? I managed to get a couple hour's sleep at last.

Ah, so you were a spoilt child and an attention seeker too? I used to get that line constantly. The really good one was - 'You always have to get what you want!' As if I had wanted *that*!

I've never had a death wish, though still have some trouble with my own self-abuse issues. The sense of self-worth (if indeed I ever had any, though I think I must have really early on) perhaps began returning sometime after I turned 30 - I'm 46 now. Still working on that issue too.

Am glad to hear you now think life is wonderful.

az

Good morning Az,

Yeah - sometimes sleep eludes me, too much to do but goofing off because I find this site compelling and want to be greedy and gobble it all up but shall refrain from making loud noises as I take bite sizes.

I am glad to hear that you have re-found your own self-esteem.

And yeah life is pretty wonderful, as a child I often thought about why bad things happened, how could I change them, etc, now as an adult, I find I can change things, tend to get on a virtual soap box sometimes.

I guess that’s one of the reasons why I go for writing fiction so much, I deal with reality and trying to evoke change in wherever I feel is necessary as well as the usual familial commitments that fiction is my release valve. Although saying that I have now uploaded various non fictional bits to my space and will see what is made of it, if anything.

Here, share a cuppa of whatever it is you enjoy, see the morning beckoning, that’s your life calling you Az, welcome it in.

Ame,

>>I am glad to hear that you have re-found your own self-esteem.>>

Atchly, I'm still working on it . . .

cheers,
az

ummm sorry to butt in, but yep, me too!!! self esteem and all that, I am even getting back my ability to drive the car!!! GREAT, FREEDOM, the phsyciatrist told me that yes, when one loses self esteem it is normal to lose such basic skills as driving, I would drive when absolutely forced to, but only if someone had drawn me a very clear map of where I was going, where I was going to park, and an emergency phone number to call, should I find myself in difficulty!!! then I would wind my way to my destination suffering palpitations, hot sweats and nausea, not to mention trembling body!!!! Recently I was invited to visit the new apartment of a friend, another friend, knowing what a pratt I am with my driving fear, offered to come by and collect me, she was absolutely amazed when I said, nope, I am going to take my car!!!! Hey, I felt soooo good!!!! nothing for most people, but a great achievment for me!!!!!!

Jane

Oh, well done! I used to have issues about navigation - getting lost and such. I overcame it by looking at the map, then writing the directions in large felt tip pen on an A4 sized piece of paper and eventually, I got to be quite good at it. Once you do start to become good, a surprising thing happens - you gain confidence!

Keep on keeping on!

Thanks Zar!!

Jane