h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

My thoughts are with all of those who have suffered so much this week. We have been blessed and are poorly informed.

For those of you who receive this email and who barely know me I apologise. There was scarcely time to pack for this trip let alone organise a 'must remember to contact' list. I merely scooped up my address book and sent it to mysef. So I apologise to Bill the mechanic who came to fix my car three years ago, [email protected] (I think we may have met in Corfu) and Andy the plumber (though if you're not too busy, Andy I have a dodgy washer on the hot tap in the kitchen that is crying out for your attention) and to anyone else who hasn't got a clue who I am.
For those I know and love, feel free to delete or enjoy.

It's winter in Rajastahn (forgive me for various diverse spellings that will occur but frankly after three days on a camel...I truly don't care). As I said it's winter in Rajasthan, the dry season. The driest decade they have had in centuries.
What do we not expect?
Rain.
What do we get?
Rain!
A veritable winter monsoon. It's cold, my best, pretty, once white, Thai floaty hippy chick number affords me no protection from the bitter cold of the desert and now it seems my hair is to be wrecked as well. I have been sleeping in the same clothes for two days, washing in tepid water from a shared bucket, my only concession to a life fondly remembered being an electric toothbrush whose battery is fast fading.
It's 5am and the tent is leaking. Actually 'leaking' is a bit of an understatement. ' Bucketing' is closer to the reality.
The cabin crew are running around calling for our tour leader, who it seems has gone awol with a young American girl, as John, the only sensible one amongst us, complete with white gloves and an umbrella (he truly believes the Raj still exists) becomes everyone's new best friend. For those who know me well...yes John is gay. it's that fly paper syndrome again but we are having the best fun together and we can laugh despite the freezing rain. He reminds me that I told him an umbrella was an accessory too far yesterday and smugly says "Who is laughing now, My dear?" He does however afford me a corner of the brolly, the leaky bit!
I suggest that our leader is possiby not dead but rather tucked up in a warm hotel in Jaisalmer and that organising chai and breakfast for the rest of us might be a good course of action for them to embark upon.
Two rain drenched hours later our guide and the American (who we now appear to hate with much the same intensity as the Indians had for the Raj) return. Dry and scarcely dust covered. The rest of the team does an excellent cobra pit impression, spitting venemously. I am not sure who is most hated the American or the tour guide.

It takes but one discomfort for the Lord of the Flies to swarm.

We are offered the choice of going to town by jeep or finishing the Camel Trek. Oh how I long to go in the jeep every aching muscle and bone in my body screams 'Take the money! Take the money!'
No I have to open the Bl**dy box.

For those who have yet to experience the delight of a camel trek, a little information.
Camels are not the most gregarious of animals, they spit, they vomit over you and they are incredibly smelly. They have honed these noxious habits and turned them into an art form.
Also camels do not like the rain. It makes them want to itch.
A little difficult when carrying the camping section from Millets and two passengers...
A little difficult but not impossible.
The desert has very little vegetation and none of it is hospitable.
I find myself in the middle of a thorn bush. I vow never to ride a camel again. I didn't realise how much I could bleed. Naturally the plasters are not in the day bag, thankfully and Andrex is. Looking more like an Egyptian Mummy than El Lawrence I rejoin the camel train.
The drivers decide that the black cloud behind us does in fact contain water, and quite a lot of it. If we are not to all end up in the thorn bushes we have but one option, we must outrun the storm cloud.
Yesterday we walked trotted and galloped.
Not pleasant but variable. Walking invovles painful rubbing and grinding of one's posterior. The trot initially brings gentle relief until the bouncing causes muscle bruising in places you didn't even know you had muscles. Galloping is a bit like taking a long piece of dough and smashing it round a lead lined room. false teeth do not remain in the mouth, sports bras fail, and any attempt at control is entirely futile.
Three hours later and I have a new pain standard.
No more shall I say,
"I feel I have done two rounds with mike Tyson" or "I feel as if I have been run over by a truck"
No from here on in there is only one true pain standard.
"I feel as if I have been on a three day camel trek."

Why do I have a sinking feeling that the water in the hotel shower will not be hot?

*waves to boots, but keeps her distance as she doesn't particularly like either camels or Mike Tyson*

"Glad you've having a good time," she shouts, hoping to be heard over the wind and rain.

Boots, what a wonderful adventure! At least, I'm enjoying it from the comfort of my study.
Trusting that you've warmed-up, dried-out and healed the ravages of the thorn bush!
Where are you off to next?

Boots, don't let those camels walk all over you...

Got any good builders in that address book?

Good to hear from you ,
Waz

Almost at end of journey. Have copious notes but poor access to computer so the tale will have to wait until return.
*Waves* to all. Have posted second email but so much more to tell.
No, Teuchter, not warm...freezing! Deserts do hot and cold and we got the cold bit. I'll work on my builders list Waz but according to rainbow what we need is window cleaners!
Take care
Boots

There you are, boots! I wondered where you had got to.

I had no idea you 'did' camping or trekking. But we were brought up and educated to be dauntless and indefatigable!

Trust me C I am not a natural born camper or trekker and my arse is seriously grumpy about the whole thing!
It was however glorious and I loved every rain sodden, flea bitten moment.
Now back and finding it quite odd to contemplate posh frocks and bolly...however a girl has to do what a girl has to do .
We must arrange this day out soon.
Have to dash as have working lunch and then have to take a gang of people ice skating....not sure I do that happily either!
Take care
boots