h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

From out of the ashes, Tails (revisited) rises again.

Your comments please.

Good stuff! You should definitely submit this for rejection, so the editors can ignore it week after week after week (I'm not bitter, I swear!). I especially like the bit about what we could do with a tail. I can think of many things to do with a tail. For instance, my dog gets annoyed when I ignore her in favor of the computer. Tail=petting.

Thanks! I take some encouragement from the fact that there was a comment attached to the last rejection; which pretty much dispels the monkey myth.

We have a cat who, similarly, likes to share the Internet experience. He's curled up in the co-pilot's seat now.

Our dog has the annoying habit of moving one of my arms with her snout right when I'm trying to type something really interskjlf. See!

Good luck on the submission, may you receive word sooner than I have (still waiting, sirs!)

Waiting, fasting (am I the only researcher subsisting on tea and bickies?), and meditation are what got Buddha promoted.

Looks like the "ignoring everything for two weeks" phase is at an end, just when I'd all but given up hope of being rejected officially.

One of the main advantages I can see a tail bringing is that that it would be possible to use the TV remote while holding a beer in one hand and a sandwich in the other.

...or scratching your nose (sub. any other body part except tail), adjusting your cap... almost anything.

Giving up tails is certainly high on a long list of serious blunders made by our species.

Hey, if you had two tails each one could scratch the other. Of course that would pretty much be the same as having no tails, but at least you would have something to keep you busy.

...and what an amazing spectacle sock-puppet theatre would be!

I wonder what the next body part to go will be? Perhaps we'll lose a foot, as a result driving automatic cars.

Kurt Vonnegut speculated that we would evolve into seals. I think that's a bit ambitious.

That'd take a while, I don't think I'd have the patience.

It must be frustrating to have all sorts of body parts fall off through lack of use; start to feel really good about your new look; then produce off-spring complete with extraneous appendages. Evolution certainly doesn't seem to serve the little guy!

That puts me in mind of a muliple choice question that came up in a practice paper for my biology O-level, obviously that was quite a while back so I hope you can forgive my somewhat vague recollection.

It was something to do with breeding rabbits that didn't have tails, one of the choices was something along the lines of: "cut off all their tails and then leave 'em to it". My teacher didn't seem too impressed that some people actually went for this option. Anyone with even a basic understanding of genetics knows that you have to rub the tails off with sand-paper.

I've just remembered that we were trying to breed rabbits with short ears, but same principle.

That's dangerous! If sandpapered rabbit head germs escape into the human population, there could be an outbreak of baldness!

Don't anybody say, "Hare today, gone tomorrow"!

You just said it.

D'OH!

I think tails would be very attractive. Just imagine; "Oohh...look at the tail on that Ben Davis/Julia Roberts!" It would be fun to have something else to decorate in order to 'make a statement'... ribbons, braids, coloring, gel or tail spray... I think it would be fun.

The problem with tails is that I have noticed that on my own doggie the tail is too wide for any precision funstions...would we have a thin, ratlike tail? That wouldn't be as sexy. On the other hand, if we had a thick furry tail, we would be able to do as much with it. I think the ideal tail would be a lionlike tail, with a tuft of fur at the end, but still somewhat thin.

Agree? Disagree? Discuss.

For utility, something like a gibbons tail would be good. They can hang upside down and hold things, and so on. They are also long and thin in relation to their length, but still substantially thick and felty: not rat-like at all. They would look great I think adornorned with jewelry. (I did some silver work once).

I can see the appeal of a lion's tail, though. It's a serious appendage. It's no nonsense tail with a touch of frivolity at the end.

The ultimate would be something that possesses all the best attributes of conventional tail design with the flash, pizzazz, and outright stupidity that is uniquely human. Why not have a prehensile tail/trunk composite. It shouldn't be too much trouble to run a length of pipe up the spine and into the throat. It should also be possible to run another connection from the bowel to the tip of the tail (think of the advantages there; no more discomfort at the opera).

And I think we can do elephants one better by having an actual hand on the end. Imagine such a thing, wearing an expensive watch, gesturing expansively in a trendy restaurant.