h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

This is an excerpt from an e-mail I wrote on Monday 15th March, 1999:

"Boy it's been a weird 24 hours - starting off with seeing Craig
Charles live, and then getting Delirious' autographs.

Here I'm going to tell you about the autograph bit. Around 11ish, I was in Tim's room at the time, don't know why, when he said "aren't you going to see Delirious?..." I said "Yes, oh no, how am I going to get there by midnight, when my bike has no lights? What am I going to do? What am I going to do?"

"Don't fear," he replied. "I have a bike, and this is the key to
it. It has lights - both white and red, and will take you there by
Midnight, but remember, when the clock strikes 12 it will turn back
into a pumpkin."
"Thankyou fairy Timmother," I replied, I nicked his bike, lights
etc, and started cycling to Southampton.

Of course, the bike doesn't work. I mean give me a D,O,E,S,N,'T W,O,R,K and you get the idea. The chain fell off a billion times (okay, once) and I got bike oil all over my hands (but it did get wiped off later...)

But I managed to get there just before 11:40 - and the queue
stretched from HMV to MacDonalds. And I thought, no way - not for some
tiny band I've never even heard of - so I did what any self-respecting
student would do (no, I don't mean steal a road cone) I walked along
the queue to find Ian, James and anyone else I knew - and they were
right at the front as they had been in Southampton since Church. Hmm,
no comment. So I pushed in, right at the front.

While I was there, I managed to talk to a couple of people, and
Ian has all their albums, but he said that one of his distant
relatives is distantly related to one of their distant relatives, so
that is why. (He's the one who told us about the signing). James was
there because he wanted to get the new limited edition Blur Album (as
did half the crowd), and Aisha and Helena were there because everyone
else was, and they couldn't think of anything better to do at the
time. They said they'd never been to a midnight opening of HMV before.
(I was there because I want MONEY!!!! I could make a handsome profit from this... )

I still haven't got round to listening to their single, called
"Follow The Star" or something like that. (I have now, it was fun, and called "See The Star", and was number 16) Their greatest hit so far got to number 20 - worse than the Worzels, who at least had a hit with "I've Got A Brand New Combine Harvester". (Did I tell you I've seen the Worzels live? Perhaps there are some things best left unsaid, but I like them .)

Anyway, we went in, only to discover they were selling 2 singles
- both with the same song - originally called cd1 and cd2. Hmmm.
Apparently it's a ploy to get twice as many singles sold as all their
fans (they've got some?) will buy both - doubling sales. Well, I
bought both - first singles I bought - and then went to get them to
sign them. I was about the 8th person there. Someone said "they may be the next Spice Girls" - well, only if they all have sex change operations. All 5 are male.
Okay, one's a dodgy bald guy with a dodgy beard, one's a dodgy
bald guy with glasses, erm, one's just dodgy, and two are fairly
normal, and the lead - a Martin Smith, was quite a nice chap. He
talked to me for a bit (I found out his name from his signiture - the
other four are undeciperable) and he shook my hand. Bad mistake as far
as he was concerned - I still had bike oil on me. I shook someone
else's hand - I'll call him squiggle as that what is what his
signiture's like - and then left. And that was it.
So, not so exciting as seeing you again, but it passed the time.
On CD2 there's a CDRom.

I hope they do quite well with this one - only because if they're
famous I make a nice profit. You know, any scrap of paper with all 4
of the Beatles signitures on goes for at least £500. Special stuff
much more. Now, these guys will never be the Beatles - no-one is like
The Beatles - but if they become famous, a single, the 8th signed
single since that single was released, signed by all 5 of them could
be worth about £300-£400. Not bad for a fiver's investment. All I want
is for them to do well in the charts - get your friends to buy it.
It's called "Follow the Star" (I think, it was something to do with a
star) and by "Delirious" and it's probably not very good. But get them all to buy it, and when they're famous I'll sell it. Although I am curious and may borrow Ian's albums sometime - I've invested £5 in these guys, so I've got to see what their form is. It's kind of like horse racing, gambling, seeing if they win the race, and what profit you get. Except without the dressing up for Ascot.)"

Actually, in Real Life I wasn't so mercenary towards them, but went for a laugh. Funny how things get told in e-mails, isn't it?

Hi Bluebottle, thought I'd drop it and say 'mip'.

Mip.

Delirious?'s latest single is 'It's OK'. It's OK I suppose (no pun intended) but I don't think it got into the charts. Amazingly enough it's on a popular alternative music compilation album called 'Reloaded', which I might get one day, when I have some money, cos it looks quite good.

I've reached the time of my life where the music I like is no longer called 'Chart music' but 'Alternative music'. I thought that only happened to old people. Oh well.

I've never liked what is called "Chart Music" - what is called "Chart Music" anyway? Probably all boy-bands and girl bands and child babies - it's worrying that most pop singers seem to be younger than us now!
So, what are the Beatles called?

70's music.
The Beatles were Chart Music once. But then they went out of fashion and kids listened to 80's disco music. Then in the 90's and 00's, the Beatles are old enough to be in fashion again. It's the music that's anything from one year old to ten years old that is out of fashion. Unfortunately most of the music I like was written in the early nineties, and is generally known as 'Indie' music, or nowadays 'Alternative Rock' which covers pretty much anything they like.

I always wondered what was meant by "Indie music" - I gather it's got nothing to do with India? I always new that modern music existed, I just never understood what it had to do with me. I soon came to the conclusion that it doesn't.

It's weird - I don't think we've ever had a us two H2G2 conversation before and we've been on approaching a year... We both seemed to go where the other didn't.

I seem to find you everywhere I go actually!

I know I keep seing you pop up in places I've been, or I arrive somewhere you've been - but we've never had a "just you & I" conversation.

[Mew pops in quietly, unnoticed by the two of them]

I object to you casting nasturtions or aspersions or dandelions or whatever it is on my bike.

It's a perfectly respectable bike. It was educated at Harrow, Eton, and Cambridge. So there.

[Mew puts on an SEP field and floats past Roasted Amoeba.]

Hello Mew

SEP? Eh?
*looks confused*

I like floating. My grandad taught me to do it underwater.

[In case you haven't read "Life, the Universe, and Everything" by DNA, SEP stands for "Somebody Else's Problem" and anything in an SEP field is unnoticed by people who don't want to, aren't expecting, or can't explain. A Mew fits all but the first]

Ah. *looks embarassed, since he should have known that*

Yes, you should have known that. I knew that.

Mew!
[nods enthusiastically]

RA admitted today that he has only read the first half of the first book and none of the others.

Ha! And he calls himself a researcher.

*Peregrin walks into Mew, and looks rather confused and puzzled. He walks round Mew and immediately forgets about it*

Oh there's four of us here now. Hi RA. Hi... did I say four? I don't know why; I meant three.

Yes, well, I'm going to read the books. Soon.

Then again, I've been saying that for a year...

[Mew flies toward the pinball machine in one corner, bent on mischief]

I must admit I've never been a Pokemon person.

[does something psychic so that whenever the ball goes through the spinning sign leading to the ramp on the left side, the ball falls to the left instead of the front for 4.2 seconds]