h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesnt grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why do you have to (put your two cents in).. . but its only a (penny for your thoughts)? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once youre in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they (slept like a baby) when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
Why are you IN a movie, but youre ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America???
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They are going to see you naked anyway.
If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
Why is (bra) singular and (panties) plural?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, (I think I will squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!)
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? (Ive always wondered..)When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilliga's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why cant he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but dont point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
What do you call male ballerinas?
Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?
If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didnt he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above? (lmao...)
Why do they call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dogs face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

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Ive not lost my mind. Its backed up on a disk somewhere

"Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but dont point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is? "

Lovin this thread...
Wot I want to know is, "If you date a person from another country is it classed as a foriegn affair???".....
And the classic, "If you break your legs, don't come running to me.."
Oh, and "Are you reading that newspaper you're sat on???"....

Hi, PM, glad you enjoyed it, I just thought it was time for a bit of humour on the site
I have been popping in quite a lot recently, only to pop out again I know I shouldn't, its just that I feel I need to enjoy the experience
Smudger

Hi Smudger..
You can't beat a good old pop in n out... It make you feel good...
Yes, we do need a bit of humour around, especially with everyone full o' the bloody flu and stuff...
Medicinal of course..

Bless you Smudger, I really needed that. It has been bad news week for me and it was lovely to read something giggly!


Websailor

Websailor..
Aye Smudger's given us all a glimps of life here eh..
Think we've all had it rough in one way or tuther this past year.. Jinxed me thinx...lol..
"006 must be better...

Here is another one....Ode To Middle Age
or
Bloody Hell I'm 4O


When I awoke this morning I didn't feel too bad
The day had started better than many others had

I really should know better, feel this good you'll pay
something’s bound to come along and really spoil your day

There was something nagging something I should know
then suddenly it hit me I've reached the big four Oh!

It can't be true, I’m not that old, I thought with growing terror
my birth cert’ is a forgery there's been an awful error

Forty means you’re really old (as teenagers we'd snigger)
your skins all dry and wrinkled and you’ve lost your figure

My waistline isn't spreading, I just like clothes with space
and its laughter lines not wrinkles you see upon my face

My hair? well that’s not grey at all, good body and a glint
(reminds me must ring Cut & Curl to book another tint)

I still do my aerobics as I have for years gone past
O.K. it's done to waltz beat now, well Jane Fondas awful fast

Anyway OLD people are all set in their ways
I, on the other hand have simply planned my days

Monday bingo, Tuesday hair, aerobics bridge and such
Miss one? oh! I couldn't it disrupts me far too much

Oh! well Birthday girl I think, time that I was up
brush my teeth, now where are they? there soaking in that cup

Blast my hairnets tangled, my facepack, what a waste
now I've got hot flushes, the change of life? a taste?

must just take my Phylosan, my tonic and my vits'
put my support stockings on, Oh! this corset is the pits

Oh! these swollen ankles, stiff shoulder, back and wrist
Varicose veins, drooping boobs I could make a list

It’s often said that ladies, should grow old with grace
that’s not so easy when you've got a road map for a face

After due consideration I'll have to drop the act
40 years I've reached today, a sad and sorry fact

There is one thing that really puzzles, me and others too
perhaps there's some enlightenment can be got from you

If life begins at forty as we are so often told
then please tell me why it is I feel so BLOODY OLD.



Smudger,

If you liked that one, heres another three Quickies....

A little boy went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
The father replied, "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, because I still have mine."

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all." "Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."

An old man went to the Wizard to ask him if he could remove a curse he had been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard said, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

Smudger,

Or how about this one then....................

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer
drove up on his tractor and asked what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer responded, "This is my property and you're not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you for everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently you don't know how we settle things in Tennessee." We settle small disagreements like this with the "three kick rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the three kick rule?" The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on back and forth
until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to bide by the local custom.
The farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the
attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his
mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to the rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pile.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "OK, now it's my turn."



The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

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Smudger,

I had not heard the ones in post 9 and particuarly liked those!

Oooh, now Smudger's giving us "quickies" as well....
All good stuff Smudger..

The Age 40 list is surely more suited to age 60 or 70 these days!

Good for a chuckle if I up the age, maybe it's because I am between the two agesI find that 60 is more suitable!

Hi PAGANMOON*waves*

OK then, here is some more,=

Cherie Blair died and went to heaven ...
As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. She asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks.

Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said Cherie, "who's clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Who's clock is that?"

"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life."

"Where's Tony's clock?" Cherie asked.

"Tony's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Smudger.

Good un Smudger...
.
.
.
.Hi Abbi... "Waves back"... How's you these days???

Here is a rather amusing wee ditty for you all



At a recent computer expo it was reported that Bill Gates compared Microsoft
with General Motors and that had General Motors kept up the pace as
mircosoft had then all Americans would be driving $250 cars that could do
1,000 miles to the gallon.

Later, and in response General Motors issued the following press statement:


If GM had developed there technology at the same rate as Microsoft then we
would all be driving cars with the following characteristics

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would 'crash' twice a day.

2. Occasionally your car would just die for no reason. You would have to
pull off the road close all WINDOWS, shut of the power, then re-start it
then re-open the WINDOWS before you could continue. We would all casually
accept this as normal,

3. Frequently when executing a manoeuvre, like a turn or a roundabout, the
car would shut down, and refuse to start. In this case you would need to
replace the engine.

4. Mackintosh would then make a car that was powered by solar power was
reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive. But it would only
be allowed to run of 5% of the roads.

5. The oil, temperature and battery warning lights would be replaced by
a single instruction 'This car has performed an illegal operation'

6. The air bag system would ask 'are you sure' before deploying.

7. Very often and for no reason what so-ever your car would lock you out
and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle,
inserted the key and grabbed hold of the arial (control+alt+delete).

8 Every time a new car was introduced - drivers would have to learn how
to drive all over again as non of the controls would operate in the same
manner as previous cars.

9. You would have to press a 'START' button to switch the engine off!!!!!



Smudger,

No response Eh! OK then have a read of some puns,

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."


Smudger,

Hi Folks just thought I would pop in and wish you all a Merry Christmas, and to tell you that I now have a new mouse
Its one of those laser ones, so no more cleaning fluff of the big ball again
I also got 25 blank CDs for my music and 25 blank DVDs as well
The best pressy though, was a new set of remote head phones from Mk2, so now I can sit here and listen to the TV or my music being played in any room of the house
Smudger, PS, any one got any more jokes to add?

Hi Smudger... Still laughin at that last list...
Can't think of owt at mo. but I'll pop back in when I do...
BEST WISHES TO ALL FOR THE NEW YEAR...