h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hi,

I have been seeing a married man for 9 months and not sure what is going on. He has always been the one to make contact through texts/phone and the maximum he normally leaves it is 2/3 days without contact. I have never really up until the last few weeks bothered texting him unless he texts me first. I only get to see him about once a month as he has a high powered job and lives quite a distance so fits me in with business trips. But we get on, we were friends years ago so have a bit of history as well. I have always been honest with him about feelings etc, and he has never promised me anything. But he says he does have emotions involved.

Anyway, everything has been fine up until I saw him about a month ago. Since then he has been quiet, initiated contact a few times which is very unlike him and has not even phoned when he has been home alone, again prior to that would have been on the phone to me given the opportunity. I actually have text him and asked him to ring me a few times now, which he has done and when asked about his quietness says he is busy with work and at home and said he will be down soon to see me. I actually said if he did not feel he wanted to visit anymore then to say but he just said it was not that, he just needed to fit in with business when he could come down.

I text yesterday asking if he could ring at some point and he said he will do but seems to be busy with clients all the time. To me that one sentence speaks volumes.

Now am I being oversensitive and reading things wrong or is my intuition correct and he is pushing me away? I want to be cool about it all but I have feelings and I feel a bit rejected now. A few months ago if I did not respond to a text he was phoning me to make sure I was ok. Why has he changed all of a sudden?

I do not want to text or phone now as I feel if he still wants me around he will contact. I have text too much now for me and do not like it!I left one last text yesterday just saying I understood he was busy and would catch up when he could which I got no response back. If he does not contact I am going to feel quite hurt as I feel if he does not want to continue he could at least owe me a call to explain.

The silly thing is, I know it will end in tears with me whenever it ends as I do have feelings. I would never expect him to leave his wife for me, but still would like to be treated with respect. Is that possible in an affair?! If he does not respect his wife, why respect me?

Am I doing the right thing not contacting? It is just frustrating not knowing what is going on in his head!

Help

You seem like a wise and sensible woman, Dotty. I think you know what's going on. And you are right, he DOES owe you an explanation, even if the explanation is "it was great, hon, but it's over now". But men are *such* cowards... My ex once told me he was ditching a girlfriend by not talking to her any more and "that way she'll get the message, hopefully". And the last thing the other one who broke my heart said to me was "speak to you on Tuesday". I cried him a river. Mind you, I was forewarned - an ex g/f of his had contacted me a while before adn complained that he'd "dropped off the face of the planet".

But this is about you.

You need to decide what is the best way to look after yourself. You can end it yourself, either by actually telling him it's over or by playing his own game and going to ground. It's a nuisance that you can't block incoming texts and calls the way one can block emails, so they just never arrive and upset you.

Cry a few tears, remember him in whatever way suits you, and then move on.

It's spring (or it is here in the UK, anyway) do something that'll cheer you up. Visit a long-lost girlfriend. Go kyaking. Sign up for Sarah Beany's My Single Friend. Join a book club. Learn to abseil or decorate cakes.

Remember - he's the stupid one here, stupid to mess you around like this and stupid because he doesn't appreciate you for the sane and sexy woman you are.

Good luck, sister. Have some

Hi,

Thanks for the reply. I think I am more confused as when I have asked him to ring etc he texts back straight away. If he no longer had any interest why do that? Wouldn't you ignore or take a while to respond to the message to show you are not interested? When he has phoned he has been fine with me. He just says he is sorry that he is so busy.

I think whatever I have got to leave it. Only time will tell if he is still bothered, and no matter how much it hurts I will have my answer if he does not contact. If he cannot 'finish' things with me if that is what he wants, then it just proves how little he does care and who needs someone like that in their life?

Sounds to me like he may have gotten himself a new lady and doesn't want to tell you about it. :o(

Hi, I realize this post is 5 years old, but I would be interested to hear what happened in the end, as I am in exactly the same position at the moment. I am seeing a 49 year old married man, we met last year online. He used to send me daily text messages and emails, he always kept in touch, we saw each other about once a month, everything was pretty perfect, I knew he wasn't going to leave his wife, and I am perfectly happy with that. But he also has gone cold now, I barely hear from him, and when I have asked him, he gave the same excuse about being so busy at work, but that there is nothing wrong and not to worry. He does work a lot, but he drives a lorry at night, and he used to text me from the lorry when he stopped for breaks, but he doesn't even do that anymore. I am finding it very difficult to understand how he can change to such extremes.
Why can't men tell you straight if they don't want to continue seeing you? Especially since I have given him the opportunity a few times,and he knows I won't make a fuss or turn up at his house to yell,I would accept his decision, but I still would like to actually KNOW!!! It's so frustrating and disrespectful, and it hurts.
Hope your situation turned out better, good luck.

Hi maari hun. I don't know if you're still with the same man but I feel your pain. It's a very typical scenario and the only way to get his interest back is to go cold on him. Try to disappear, do not contact him, do not reply to his messages. It will activate an ancient instinct in him and he will start thinking about you again. I'm not sure how long you can keep it up for, but if you truly care for this man and want to try to win him back, this is your best shot. Good luck hun and let me know what happens.

Hi there I would love to know how it turned out for you I am also in the same boat exactley 9 months he persuade me for 3 months we are both married and our 10 year old boys play basketball together, I was so against it at the start as I knew his wife and he knew my hubby anyway he was persistent and paid me so much attention that I took the bate we had a wonderful first 6 months in which we became emotionally and sexually involved I started to lose my mind the guilt took over I withdrew from my husband and family I became depressed everytime I didn't hear from him. The past 3 months I felt that he got comfortable and pretty much used me as a booty call this has destroyed me in every way I broke it off 13 days ago and he pretty much didn't care said he respect my decision and that's it have not heard from him tonight k saw him at training he just came up and said hello like nothing like I was just another parent . I have fallen in love with this man and I don't know how to heal all I want is for him to come running back as now I have left my husband

My partner broke up with me,but with the help of ___dr.mack201, my partner came back