h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

My mum was diagnosed about 2/3 months ago with breast cancer. Started off as a 'not to worry, got it early' thing (1.7cm) but turned out it had spread when they did the lymph check thingy. So now she's on chemo every 3 weeks for 6months, then 3 months rest and then 3months radio.

She had her first on wednesday just gone. Totally whacked out but either ok in herself or putting a brave face on it.

To be honest, given that she has doctors and consultants and specialist looking after her, I'm more worried about me dad. I think he feels useless and there's no help for him from the medical establishment (obviously, they're concentrating on making my mum better). He's already tried the cocooning her line (no immune system , can;t have visitors type thing) but I had to point out that they can;t isolate themselves for a year, they'll go stir crazy.

It also feels a bit odd cos some members of our family are doing the 'oh woe is us, you've got cancer' thing whereas as I see it, it is very serious, but at least there is a treatment, and it works in a lot of cases and until the docs say it ain;t working I don;t see the point in getting all 'woe is us' about it. Yes it's bad, yes she'll be going through a really cr*ppy time in her life and yes it will hurt and noone wants to be ill for a year or more. But on the other hand she hasn't been given 6 months to live or anything like that. I phone every couple of days and we sent flowers and cards for the first treatment (not helped as my dads birthday was around the same time - hw do you send a 'happy birthday' card in this situation?)

I dunno, maybe I'm just not emotionally attached enough. Everyone's going on about how brave she is to go through it, and she is. But what's the choice? Either do the treatment or die? It's not like she has much chopice in it. I dunno, maybe I just don't do emotions like other people.

p.s. yes, I am drunk in charge of a modem, so I may well remove this tomorrow! But I wouldn't be able to express this otherwise.

Icky, you have to carry on and celebrate the day with a Birthday card

Others will probably be able to advise you better than me.

I'm no good at chatting about things like this online..you know where I am

indeed, and thanks for the reply!

Hootoo will be on downtime for about 20 mins as from 00.30am

Just in case you didn't know

I'm very much like you, Iccy - just get on & deal with life as it comes. Something positive is being done, be optimistic but realistic. Perhaps it seems a bit remote, unreal at the moment. Of course you'll be upset if things don't go well in the end.

I think the exaggerated emotion projected by others is perhaps what they feel they ought to show? Shock? Or a form of relief that it isn't them or how they think they'd feel in your situation?

Not surprising that your Dad feels helpless & will need support. I'm sure you're doing all that you can, keeping in touch. Hopefully you can all manage some laughs along the way - lift the spirits.

Anyway, will be thinking of you all. Hope the treatment is not too arduous & proves successful.

send the birthday card...
do not brake any traditions...

Teasswill is right try to make your mother and dad smile, but do not hide the cancer. talk.

thanks peeps, your thoughts are appreciated

Oh dear, hope things work out well for your mother.

Not a lot more one can say really. Good to see you bearing up reasonably well.

Cheers Orcus, it's a bit of a difficult thing to know how to respond to, I know!

*strokes your hair*

to be honest...it's those around who have more trouble dealing with cancer than those actually suffering from it.

Your mum will be offered counselling along the way, but, chances are, you and your dad won't be.

If you feel yourself getting a little down and there's no-one around to talk to, get in touch with your doctor and ask for counselling. It does work...and talking to strangers is so much easier.

I'm at the end of the phone if you want to call me. If so, e-mail mum (but not today!) and she will give you my numbers

cheers VV we're talking though, and my big sis is being a comfort.
It's just the finding out at the moment, first treatment, early days and all that. See how she goes over the next month or so as the chemicals build up in her system.

My grandmother had breast cancer 2 years ago, and at the moment has the all clear. I have trouble with the old emotional rollercoaster, so I went to a well known card shop and scoured the little credit card things with supportive messages on.

My nan got something lovely, I got away without feeling awkward.

They're nice things to give and its something she can keep looking at!

Just being there for her is the best you can do, its great you can talk to your sis and support each other.

Good Luck to you all.

cheers both.

She seems to be picking up a bit now and feeling less ill now she's finished the course of pills to stop her feeling ill! Guess the first time through is the worst in some ways as you don't know how you are going to react.

Went through all this with my sister last year but at a distance because she lives at the other end of the country.I was going to go visit her to offer support but due to my husband's redundancy last year, money was too tight and so I had to offer all I could at a distance as I said.

So to avoid tiring my sister by endlessly phoning her we kept in touch via
Live Journal.When she felt up to it through all the various treatments she wrote up her progress and how she felt.This way she didn't have to endlessly repeat herself to anyone and the family had a very clear idea of how things were going,could offer sympathy or supply encouragement as and when and how they could.Her friends could also offer the same and it left my sister free to concentrate on getting better and gave her more energy to apply to this.

Looking back through the year's postings I can see that she did manage on the whole to retain her sense of humour and that when she couldn't she just didn't bother to write as much.That gave us the clue that was when she needed more positive encouragement.I also felt I was as much a part of her recovery as if I had been there in person.There was at no time a feeling of woe is me but a more a sense of we WILL get through this and life will be better soon.

Perhaps your mother might be able to do the same for those of the family that can't be there in person or for when she doesn't want to see anyone?That way she can keep in touch without risking secondary infections.

As for your reactions Iccy they were perfectly normal..we all deal with such situations in our own way and there is NO WRONG WAY.As long as your mother knows she has your support and frankly someone been positive about the outlook is just what is needed in times like this otherwise there is a danger of depression settling in faster which would be detrimental to recovery.

My regards to your family and in particular to your mother.

As for my sister..well the treatment finished and she has had her 6 monthly checkup which indicates she is still all clear.She had a mastectomy and with all the treatment the chances are she has given herself at least 20 years of life...That's how far she and I are looking anyway...