h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Dear Sir/ Madame/ Cave dweller- all of the afforementioned.

Dear Sir I wish to strongly complain in the strongest possible means necessary to enable my complaint to be heard.

How dare dare you insult my page and call it dusty, I had it cleaned only six months ago I had it dusted free of woodworm and cobwebs and goblins and double glazers.

If you do not smarten up your tie and cut the grass with your teeth this Sunday then you will be fired at Jupiter's largest moon.

Yours rotting in a nest of barbed wire,

Cut apart in a hail of broken biscuits,

Pipe cleaners at dawn,

In the lowest glen,

Swindon.

Tempus Corruptus is watching YOU!

Dear Mir/Sadame,

(Excuse my spoonerisms, I'm taking tablets for them.)

Apologies for insulting your personal space, but this insult is one that we extent to all of our visitors, without charge, or failure.

Re: cutting the grass with my teeth, luckily I recently had my whole front yard paved over, so I think I'll get out of that one... unless you want me to cut the paving slaps with my teeth... oh...

Yours adverbly,

Duke Chewable of Acidophilus (who isn't doing much watching right now, but if you'd like to record your actions on camcorder, I might watch some of the video...)

Nothing much to watch?

On the contrary the Duke de Chewable Acidophilus, You have been watching myself but since I had this barrier installed over my 'library' you cannot get in!

Unless of course you choose to use the door?

Nothing to watch to watch, well if you stare into space- I'm sure you can you can try and focus on the air molecules and possibly the dust mites as they meander along the walls of your page, record this for eight hour straight and sell/ flog to the 'Trials of life' and you've earned yourself a bomb- capable of being used on any such person you choose.

Please note my page is entirely bomb proof and will remain so, so don't get any ideas!

As for your suggestion, yes, I want you to break your teeth chewing your paving and then contact 'CLAIMS DIRECT' and gain over £10 000 pounds to cover the damages as for your teeth, see a dentist afterwards.

As for these tablets, I'd recommend Toad pills, not only do they make you think clearer but they can make you grow to six feet off the ground, giving you a unique perspectiver of the world around us but you cannot go out, and when you are threatened you can puff yourself up.

Please note that by reading this, you have accepted the terms and conditions of being pegged out in the sea until such a time as it freezes or dries up.

Your constant reminder of the end of the world sale,

Wandering around with an axe sticking out of his jacket pocket,

Spoons ready to be played in accompanyment with cats howling,

The Eccentric Writer Richard H. AKA: Graf von Corruptus!