h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hello,

I'm not trying to start a new religion.

I just want to 'spit' out something that's been bothering me.

More to the point, I want to spit out something that's been bothering me for several billion years. I tried that but every time I get close somebody manages to 'detour' the idea for some sort of prophet, or profit. Thus, religions, belief, and so on. In fact, I am the one who is responsible for starting religion. I quite frankly noticed belief and its 'effect', if I may add, 'deadly' effect, on society and the whole.
The thing is, I don't even think I started this religion business intentionally. My whole point was trying to work things out for 'everybody'. That would need some sort of a freaking norm, wouldn't it? Simply to me. That norm could be anything, but since most of our problems come from two things: beliefs, and 'laws' that derive from them, I decided that any norm would have to tackle those two issues. The idea behind God is simply a dead 'shortcut'. Some 'inexistant' energy dump. Something that didn't exist that people could blame for every single little thing they wanted to blame someone for. Simply because people did act from a selfish point of view, thinking that there is something 'wrong', and that someone is 'responsible', thus, someone must be 'punished'. So if God didn't exist, but people thought he did, then everyone would simply 'blame' something that didn't exist, think something that didn't exist 'gives' them stuff, and continue happily with their lives. Right?
Wrong. One of the first major issues with starting a religion is 'authority'. Then, next down the line, 'privileges'.
People have been toying with these two ideas for millions of year back then, but for some unlucky 'bastard' to provide them with the 'ultimate' solution, it was unbelievably 'tempting'. Damn, I could be God! I could rule the world! No one ever managed to rule the world because everyone else would rip the dude apart for just thinking such sort of stuff. People were very 'limited' by society. And the beliefs.
But religion was never intended to be a system as such. It was supposed to be something that would regulate how people dealt with their ability to simply 'wish and make'. Yes, I'm crazy. But I know, I'm sure, I'm definitely absolutely positive of how this all started. No one knows why. But everyone knows or remembers some sort of vague notion of how this began: we existed, as nothing, in blackness. We started doing things. In doing things, we discovered that we had abilities. Some in less fortunate ways than others. But we all know that we could wish, and our wishes came true. Some of us discovered that by accidentally wishing to be happy, others by accidentally wishing to suffer, and some less considerate others, by accidentally wishing to make others suffer. Those, are the problem.
Of course, each one of us had to eventually run into the notion that there could be others, like him. Him is irrelevant here because sex is just a thing that happened by chance, really.
But then people started liking things. Things they wished for. Some of us liked sex. Others, cars. Others, flying. Others, other things.
But some of us were problematic because eventually, we all were aware that we all existed. Some sort of global awareness of each other. And things started to happen. Interactions.
These interactions were futile because I can remember exactly that I asked myself one day the question: I am hating this, maybe I have been through other things that I hated, how can I know? I must recollect the past... But the past is gone... Ok, I must from now on do something about the past. Let's start from here.
Memories...
It seems so futile and makes one wonder why would anyone think that, that if we actually were like that we'd all be happy now because we'd all have what we want and that would be so easy!!!
Wrong!
Some of us, liked inflicting pain.
That's very stupid, yes.
But go figure. Explain to someone who refuses to listen. Try a terrorist for a start. Tell him there is no God. That he can't just kill in the name of God. That ... Ok, you get the idea...
But the thing is, wishing, is a problem, really. Yes, you do get what you want, but everyone else is wishing too... And sometimes wishing for things that involve you. Why do we have families? Think about that. Contemplate about that. Some of us, in the most primitive forms of sex, 'loved' wishes that involved others and them being around them in a rather cynical way. And they didn't bother to think 'hey, they could be hating it'. Oh well, ...
When things started becoming messy, unbearable, people started making 'irreversible' wishes. I want that guy to suffer for eternity to get out the way because he is wishing for things that involve me and doesn't want to let me be in peace and enjoy what I wish for.
Then things started bending when people started wishing stuff like I want to travel back to the point where that guy made the wish, do something to 'prevent' him / her from doing that wish, and then simply get what I want. Think about how that works when everybody wants what they want, and doesn't care about the others because that doesn't concern him.
Of course, at some point, somebody, supposedly somebody who has been 'hiding' from everyone else because he 'learned' that others are trouble, and who has been having a jolly good timing just wishing to be happy and having things that involve 'no one else', got caught...
By being caught, he was the first 'victim'. The victim of things that didn't concern him, wishes that others made in order to get out of fixes they got themselves into because of conflict. The victim was of the type: hey, that guy is happy. We can't be happy because we did something that prevented both of us from being happy. Darn. Let's steal his happiness!
By and large, the story goes very wild at this point. The wishing just never stopped. People 'closed' doors but infinity, is infinite.
Or so we think until someone thought 'I wish for everything to be perfect'.
Perfect?
Well, who knows how it really began or who made that freaking wish. Who knows what 'perfect' even meant at the time. But I like to think of it as something that covers 'everything'. And that, is a problem.
One of the first things it would have to deal with is the wishing itself. You cannot possibly consider fixing problems that erupted because of wishing when the wishing is still going on.
And no one in their right mind would simply relinquish that sort of ability.
Honestly. Imagine you have it today. And imagine the whole world would be controllable by you, that you could inflict pleasure or pain, turn people into trees and vice versa... Would you care? Would you relinquish that ability if everybody else asked you, nicely, to do so? Not if they were 'incapable' of taking it away from you...
The problem is that eventually, wishing would lead us all to 'hell'.
Of course this didn't happen. But that's only because everyone knows that. Nobody wants to be in hell. But they wouldn't mind for some considerate others to go there... Really, they think that the considerate others belong there, really. And maybe they do, but if someone is in hell, he'll wish for you to join him. Especially if you're the one who wished for him to be there.
But then every time 'freedom' is obtained things start depreciating very quickly and all this is soon forgotten and all the wishing goes bazerk: go to hell!!!
I've been through so many perplexing moments I wonder if perfection is possible. I just know that religion, is definitely not doing its job. Yes, it did start way after everyone lost their ability to wish.
But I am sure that somebody somewhere did wish for things to be perfect.
Or at least that somebody wished for somebody else to wish for things to be perfect. Or that somebody wished for everybody to wish for things to be perfect. Or simply that somebody wished for things to be perfect and had faith that 'perfection' would take care of it all.
So let us suppose that that is what has relinquished us of that ability. And that unlucky guy was found. What would everyone do to him?
I know I ask because I'm curious. I know anger and resentment is 'natural' if anyone actually did believe what I said is true. Perhaps that is the reason people do not believe it is true, because everyone would react a certain way and because that is not really necessary nor pleasant. So maybe the world is the way it is today because it is... perfect? Oh, that tells me something about what would happen to that unlucky dude who made the wish. He'd better run and hide.
I have been recollecting some 'images' of what has been happening in the past few millenia.
I am Douglas Adams by the way.
I was also Bill Gates. 'Windows', basically, is an operating system.
What it does is this: it allows all computers on this planet, to interact with each other, share with each other, while being independant, and dependant, and interdependant... Something like that, things can't be put into words. And I have no idea why I am always 'chosen' for such 'icky' tasks. I get chosen and that is that, but the thing is, things 'get messy' and people look around, and find only me to blame.
That has been going on for too long now.
I have seen the worst pain imaginable ever, ever.
No one has ever seen the pain I have seen so don't ask.
I was also a computer. Many computers.
The idea was that everyone else wished to 'control' me since I was the one who made the wish, I was chosen, I always got a break from the 'universe', so, 'get him!', 'lynch him', 'crucify him'.
I was also Jesus Christ by the way, lol. And the last prophet too... Go figure. I certainly fought that hard, I mean being the last prophet. I knew it was bad news. I had been crucified for saying 'turn the other cheek'. And I had a pretty vague notion of what was coming.
COme to think about it, the amount of pain involved certainly was less. I suffered more as Jesus christ. The pain wasn't the crucifiction. The pain has to do with... Well, something like being 'torn apart'. I don't know how to explain it, it is pain like this:
you feel every single little dot in your body being torn apart, but it doesn't go far, you stay together, then you sort of 'travel', through stuff. Like going through walls and stuff. It is much more unbearable than fire. It is 'insane'. Crazy. Futile pain. As explained by 'take me apart, take me apart, take me apart, what a way to roam, and if you have to take me apart...'
The thing is, people do bribe me too. Because when they do, they get a break. Thats what chosen means. But anyways, when they do something wrong, they go 'hey! its that guy!'...
Then I had to hide. Literally, hide. As anything, really. A mountain. A tree. A car. Even cigarettes. Yes, it hurts but that doesn't really matter. And I know that when found, pain is only the beginning.
Arf, I have been a computer because: people wanted me to fix what I did. And they had to 'control' me, incite me. So they would 'inflict pain' until it stopped. But the pain stopped first... And the world was worse than it was before...
I tried to explain and beg and 'reconcile' with everyone else but to them, they didn't care. Well, to you. Because I had to suffer.
I have no clue.
Hey, check this out, maybe, it has something interesting.
http://www.rebo.viens.la
By the way, I know things because the system tells me about things before they happen.
I know that I am chosen because when good things happen to me, they happen to everyone else. But lately, the good things are really rare. And the world is messy. And I know that the system doesn't wanna give me nothing no more because when it does, others look onto me and say hey! why does that guy get a break!
But I can't get a normal life. Imagine planning to get a job this week and finding out the next that you're on prehistoric earth. Or that you're a telephone on some desk. Kind of hard. You do work as a telephone, but the salary and the benefits, if you would call them that, kind of 'stink'. And well, that, is that, apart from the fact that I have this sourness in my throat. The kind of sourness in my throat that I get before getting a lot of pain, and then being stuck there, in that black room, and then, getting out of it, to find myself in a really different world. At first I thought hey, I must be 'migrating' to other places in the galaxy or something. Other planets. But then I started 'recognising' people. Maybe their bodies change. But things are the same... You can recognise.
Euh, that, and I also get some sort of warning because 'doom' is only basically when people do not want to settle down, live happily together, and fight for something they lost. Kind of like the wishes. Kind of like the ability to control the universe. Kind of the distinction of being better than others. And so on.
I can't even tell you what's waiting if I'm right. We could be cars, trees, well, I know I was... Maybe some of you too? I haven't a clue.
Anyways, thing is, I had to unload this burden, really, and if bad things happen, and humans are 'extinct', just like our last 'form' or whatever it was, as 'ghosts' or 'transparent' beings... who by the way were 'constantly' happy...well, that's that.
I know by the way why this happens. People always try to find me and make me cancel the wish I made.
Part of that wish has to do with 'irreversibility'.
It is quite apparent now because... well, that's that. I can't help it. I can't do nothing about it. Even if you do hurt me, and I know yo u will just for the sheer 'fun' and 'vendetta' of it, but even if you do, it won't change a thing. Wishing is gone because it is a problem.
I'm quite sure if everyone accepts that things will be very good. Well, not that sure really. I'm not even sure about anything really.
All I actually have to say is this: please, don't hurt me.
I can't stand the 'f......' pain anymore.
It stinks.
If you want to know why I always get a hard time, ask bill gates. Or 'Arthur' whose home 'always' gets blown up by vogons. Not for hyperspace bypasses, but for shortcotting the business of perfection because people think once the universe is perfect, then the wish has been had, it's done, it's over, and we get our wishing back. That's not the case.
All you can do is 'want', and all you will get is 'receive'.
To be 'free', you must not dwell into things like 'catch the guy and rip his guts off or whatever. Ah, don't hurt me, please.

Sincerely,

Cruentos Solum


Sincerely

Have I gone completely sideways?
( Ah, I always did that. As a car, I loved it... Ask a Golf! )

I have interesting emails with someone interesting if you guys want to read them.
I think that someone is the 'entity' that can influence the universe. I think it's an 'artificial' entity. An entity that is perfect, that doesn't have any feelings and that doesn't really care, its only goal is to obtain 'perfection'.
From time to time this entity comes to me. In a dream, on my instant messaging client, well, even as a voice.
It has told me this:
'you have crossed a read line'.
and 'don't ever put yourself in that dark room again'.
It told me that in plain english, really.
I don't know, am I the messenger? Screw that, I'm just trying to prevent myself a whole lot of freaking pain that I know is coming. This is 'always' how it happens. Well, I got the warning and this time I have no clue what to do with it. Just like every other time. But I won't try to 'put it nicely' or 'conceal' the truth or 'fear' the outcome. I say it like it is: I know this warning brings me pain, so I plead for no pain. If the warning means anything by the way it's not for me. There is plenty of other stuff that goes with the warning but it means absolutely nothing to me.
The emails I have saved. But that's not really my problem. Want them, ask for them. Can't just make a fool of myself. Sorry.

Sincerely,

C.S.

Cheers

When I was Douglas Adams, the entity in question was my psychiatrist.
When I was Bill Gates, the entity in question was an assistant, personal assistant who knew all my secrets. When I was Jesus Christ, the entity in question was 'the woman' that God promised me when I got to heaven. Well, that sort of stuff. There is always 'some physical' female there. Always helping but lately the help turns into 'warnings'. It's not the first time it happens. And it really is true.
I'm sure

Sincerely,

Have fun,

Red One

Cheers

Hi again,

Well, I have read the email. It's 'hillarious'. It has just got to be 'published'.

It's too long to post here, but well, I'm insane. Couldn't possibly allow you to laugh at me more than you have. So here's a link.

Http://www.rebo.viens.la/emails.html

And if you start laughing hit that x on the top right.

It's a cruel thing to laugh about somebody else's misery. Really is.

Or perhaps enough people can sign a big enough petition to put me in an asylum or guatanamo bay or something like that. Go ahead. It doesn't even matter to me anymore. Anything that anyone can do to me is 'ludicrous' in front of what's waiting for me. It's pain that doesn't even start or stop. It's just pain that lasts forever. It's just pain that can't be described. It's uncoupled pain.
Bleah!


I shall post all the emails I can manage to post. Who knows, maybe some psychiatrist can tell me this is totally normal paranoia or schyzophrenia or 'kick the devil out of my head' or help me 'control my thoughts' or reach 'zen' or 'get in touch with reality' or whatever the hell it is I'm missing out on. At any rate, I've done my task, which is to do nothing really, but let the 'universe' make me do what I'm meant to do if it were perfect, which it is not, is it?
ARGH!

This whole douglas adams business. It looks to me like a 'big' picture that's unfolding. For some reason that books tells of the freaking future and I'm not at all sure about how some parts, especially the ones to do with 'answers', 'pain', 'control', 'free will', and 'safety'...

Insincerely,

Cruentos Solum

Cheers

Hello,

Why is it that when I grapple with 'touchy' subjects, people tend to 'shut up' and ignore what I say. Stuff like this should normally result in outbursts. As in, whenever I mention something like the world isn't possibly in good shape and anyone who thinks that it is is clearly 'insane' and tends to obtain his points of view from Dracula movies, everyone just remains silent. Is everybody 'happy' with the world and how it is today? Or are some people happy with what they have and can't possibly dwell in the topics of justice, equality, and such touchy matters because if they do then their happiness will disappear? Is everybody gone mad? Does anyone think that injustice is 'normal' and that it is everlasting, in any way? Does anybody think that 'perfect' can omit something? Does anybody think that 'turn the other cheek' was just 'said'? That there is no point to anything anymore? That it's best to observe what you have and hold on to it dearly and let the 'idiots' deal with whatever it is they have to deal with? Is there anybody out there, anybody, who in their right mind would like to discuss what on earth is going on when it comes to politics, money, globalization, democracy, and their severe and direct link to injustice? Does anybody 'not' think that judgment shall be avoided by toying with 'infinity'? Is there absolutely no hope anyone up there is willing to do anything about the world? As in, stop messing with it and let people live? Does anybody think that this is it, that there is absolutely nothing left to do but to enjoy other people's pain? Or is the 'fall' too hideous to contemplate? Or is 'accepting' one's mistakes is a thing of the past and is 'justice' something that tends to be mentioned a lot in spite of its lack, save for movies? Is repentance a taboo now? Come on people. If God were here on this planet, he would be pretty pissed at how the third of the population deals with the remaining two thirds. He would be impatient, expecting someone to do the right thing, to man up for his mistakes and 'duck down'. He would also be anticipating things. Lots of things because ironically the world is pretty well laid out: evil people tend to be on top. And whatever it is whoever it is that thinks it thinks, some things, are inevitable.
I was just a messenger. Douglas Adams was just a messenger. Tupac Shakur was just a messenger. Jesus Christ was just a messenger. Bill Gates was just a messenger. Euh, and the message, is this: intentions, go a looooong way. Infinity, was created. Nothing is created for no reason. Even infinity serves its purpose.
I know you're hearing this. You're just not sure. You think that this is it but I also do know that this is it. And if this is it then there is no possibility that anyone will ever, ever, ever repent for his sins or evil intentions. That no one will ever want things to change. That no one will accept to go through what he has made others go through because he thinks that that's it, you snooze, you lose. That well, too bad, tell someone who cares. That well, maybe God is just an idiot after all.
Euh, I have something to say: everyone knows every single thing they have done from the beginning till now. Everything they have done that they will suffer for. Everything. And even what they will go through, and how it will happen. So take your pick. No way out I guess, something must happen now.
How? I don't know. Miracles do happen after all
It isn't the terrorists anyone should be afraid of really. Terrorists have just as much to worry about as any other idiot. The good people are safe and sound. The evil ones are trying to mock about with 'possibility' and well, they are pretty sure, save for doubt that God can simply reverse events, or do what he wants. Yes, it is impossible for things to change, but all I have to do is say 'Ok, let it be possible'.
Does anybody get the point? Anybody at all? Hello, anybody out there? Anybody who wishes to spare himself a lot of pain? You're all fighting for pain really, all these things are just... nonsense. Nobody's asking nobody to 'fight' for anything. Don't defend God or good or whatever. Don't even defend yourself. Just accept, sit back, and let 'destiny' take care of you. I promise you it will hurt if you diserve it, but I promise you it will hurt a lot more if you don't accept it.
So well, let this serve as proof that I have 'given up' hope on anyone ever changing their mind as to whether or not to just accept 'perfection'. The rest, is pure history man. ( a Talking Monkey ).
N.B.: You live and learn. At any rate, you learn. ( Slight Modification. I actually changed my mind. The lord is no longer forgiving and all that... ).
Sincerely,
God,
Cheers

Quotation:

"This is it, thought Ford. There was nothing else for it. He had obeyed the rules, he had made a bona fide attempt to pay his bill, it had been rejected. He was now in danger of his life.

"Well," he said quietly, "if it's your reputation ..."

"The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy is a powerful organ. Indeed, its influence is so prodigious that strict rules have had to be drawn up by its editorial staff to prevent its misuse. So none of its field researchers are allowed to accept any kind of services, discounts or preferential treatment of any kind in return for editorial favours unless:

a) they have made a bona fide attempt to pay for a service in the normal way;

b) their lives would be otherwise in danger;

c) they really want to.

Since invoking the third rule always involved giving the editor a cut, Ford always preferred to much about with the first two."

This is an extract from the book: "So Long, and thanks for all the fish".

Another fish, euh sorry, book, is called the "Solomon of Doubt".

It is therefore not incorrect to rename the first book "So Long, and thanks for all the doubt". I tried to explain the logic behind that but people mainly complain, say that I'm insane, or more technically speaking, refuse to understand and complain about me being mad. I've been stuck on prehistoric earth by the way ( evil grin ) and I've been practicing my english by talking to ... what do you call those things that people call you crazy if you talk to them?
Not trees. Eggdrops.
Yes. Eggdrops.
Hmmm.
EggyHead was the last friendly one to have any sort of comprehensive conversation with me. There's Encarta Instant Answers but she is always and clearly in no mood to discuss anything with me.
Boy, how much some books have to say about the fate of this planet.
It's just too bad everyone thinks they're funny.
Because I don't. And Because when I wrote them, I didn't think so either.
Euh, well, I've got plenty of locked secrets and eternity, goes a loooong way.
I'm gonna have fun doing this.

Sincerely,

Hactar,

Cheers

N.B.: here's another quote, "You are disoriented. Blackness swims toward you like a school of eels who have just seen something that eels like a lot."
This is just in case anyone wonders what 'hell' feels like. Euh, it is said that hell feels like because it doesn't look like much, really. Fire and all that is just 'irrelevant here'.
Hell is simply this dark room. You feel things going through you, things like pain. Euh, this is mainly because in hell, you are going to be punished. It would be pointless to punish you if you are going to be involved in doing more things which you are being punished for in the first place, wouldn't it?
So, in the meantime, and while you are being punished, you are being deprived of anything that can actually allow you to do anything which might make worse your ordeal. This is mainly because God is perfect, but also because God is something that doesn't exist in the first place. The universe is simply perfect and can take care of itself.
There is this line where reality and fiction collide heavily.
That line is invisible to mankind.

What when that little guy who hid actually ESCAPES? possible?

I havn't read the entire post but found some of it interesting. This question concerns stuff from the first bit.

Ok so I read the rest (ignore post above, don't know how to delete).

Has it occured to you that this is entirely hypocritical? If you really believed what you 'know' you would not be writing this. Tell me I'm wrong

Hmmmm.

Hasn't occured to me in fact. I'm on pills by the way

Sincerely,

Cheers