h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Emboldened by our previous (successful) soup experiment, Ham and I decided last weekend to determine how much cooking (ie. damage) we could get done with a hot plate and a metal bowl. The following is a report of the experiment:

Part 1: Food
We decided on two of the most basic foods available at the supermarket, eggs and tinned luncheon meat, reasoning that there was very little that could go wrong with either ingredient. (And the prospect of eating fried egg and luncheon meat sandwiches was fairly appealing). The eggs were of the low-cholesterol variety, and came in a tray of six. After some discussion, we thought it would be a good idea to get a spatula as well, as we probably wouldn't do a very good job turning the eggs with metal spoons.

Part 2: Preparations
We began our culinary adventure at half-past six. Ham was set to work opening up the can of luncheon meat and slicing it up into thin slices... which was about when it became evident that whatever skills Ham had in manipulating knives, they certainly weren't in the kitchen department. Okay, I'm being nice. Instead of nice thin slices, what we wound up with were jagged strips of gruesomely murdered pig. Change of plan. We were going to eat luncheon meat cubes instead of slices.

Part 3: Cooking up a storm
It became clear, after the meat had been diced and thrown into the pot (in which a pat of butter was happily bubbling away), that we weren't going to be eating meat in any recognisable shape at all. Minced meat it was, I acquiesced, looking at the mess. I stirred it. And stirred it. And stirred it some more. Then Ham took over. And it was still the same bloody shade of pale pink as when it came out of the can. And neither of us knew exactly what colour luncheon meat turns to when it is cooked, if the method is not frying in a skillet full of hot oil. (We should have done our research beforehand...)

After about fifteen minutes of chasing minced pork around the pot, we decided that most of the microorganisms in it had to be dead and roasted, and so focused our attention on: The Eggs. Initially it was decided that we would have two fried eggs apiece, but in light of recent events, we thought it would be best to make omelette with the meat we had in the pot. And the heck with it - we'd throw in all the eggs. SO, with Ham manning the meat, I cracked six eggs into a plastic container and whisked it for a bit, and then dumped the lot into the bowl.

What we instantly got was - bits of meat bobbing aimlessly in egg soup. We stared at each other in horror, and said in hushed voices, 'Oh crap, are we gonna have to *drink* that?'

Happily, biochemistry prevailed, and the protein in the egg eventually coagulated, enabling us to stir the glop into something that vaguely resembled food. By the time we took it off the hot plate, we were fairly certain that there was nothing left alive in it - the meat was unevenly browned, and the egg had turned a strange shade of off-white.

Happily, the dish tasted better than it looked, and neither of us came down with food-related disorders. Maybe we'll be more daring next time and try something a little more technical - like fish...

Hey Tom, weren't we supposed to start our own cooking show?

Oh, you could do... But it would be a reality show.


(I remember a similar incident in my dorm where someone tried to make stir fry in a dorm room... It worked ok except he used about three or four times too many Thai peppers. )

YOU KILLED ORGANISMS?! HOW DARE YOU?!! DO YOU KNOW WHAT A BLOODY HYPOCRITE YOU ARE RIGHT NOW?! AFTER YOU TOLD ME YOUR LECTURED YOUR PARENTS ABOUT ANTIBACTERIAL SOAP!

Pardon me, MICRO organisms.

Well, Dale, if it makes you feel better, we toasted to the microbes who died so that we could eat dinner... Hey, tell ya what - I'll send you some of my hot plate recipes? Try not to burn down the house while you're at it.

@Count Zero: Three or four Thai peppers is waaaay below Ham's daily requirement.

I didn't say he used three or four peppers... He used three or four times the right amount of peppers... I think he used a whole bag that would normally last for months. I like spicy... this was blistering.

Well, I'm going to have a stove and oven when I get to my new residence. But I do want to buy a microwave and one of those little George Foreman grill thingies. I cooked some chicken on it the other day and it was simply superb! Rather orgasmic, actually, hence me calling the recipe "Orgasmic Chicken".
How do you make Orgasmic Chicken? she demands. Well, I shall tell you!
You will need; chicken breasts (frozen or fresh - I used boneless/skinless but any kind is fine), olive oil, greek seasoning (Cavender's is excellent!), lemon-pepper seasoning, poultry seasoning, and a bit of salt & pepper.
Mix the seasonings together in a small bowl and add olive oil. Warm up your little George Foreman grill or similar device. Brush the spice/oil mixture on the chicken and place on the grill. While it cooks brush on more of the mixture occasionally til it's gone. Serve and be sure to keep a towel handy. Heh heh heh!