h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Is this truly living?
To die by another inch
Growing colder inside
Each day, each bitter day

[Scream and sink deeper.
Drown and go under.
Tear and bleed your all
Appallingly mortal soul]

Is this really a life?
To die by another inch
Fed by all that is lost
Each night, each lonely night

[Scream and sink deeper.
Drown and go under.
Tear and bleed your all
Appallingly mortal soul]

Do you still...
...by night...
...and blood.
Die and decay.

[Scream and sink deeper.
Drown and go under.
Tear and bleed your all
Appallingly mortal soul]

Is this your true want?
To die by another inch
Another inch, another inch
To live and decay.

What's happened?

You're not on your own, there are others stupidly awake at 8am wondering what's wrong with life & how to try & sort it out.

Come on, let us know how we can try & help, we will you know, this is a mutual support system; i went on my journal in despair earlier & ended up because of my good hootoo mates.

Meanwhile & hopefully you can get some sleep, it's amazing how much slightly less awful it seems after

zdt

Kamanchi, this has got to be my favourite one of your poems so far. I really enjoyed it. As I'm going in for a job teaching creative writing soon, d'you fancy a critical appraisal of it? It'll get me into practice.

Hi, Terri. I'm pleased you made it through what sounded like a terrible night. Here's hoping the light of day puts a nicer perspective on things--and perhaps introduces a 'middle way' for you.

Love the poem Kam.

hey, Snailrind, what on earth is going on with your other thread? The lonely hearts thing. Seems to be all over the place?

zdt

Oh. that'll be SEF, who is permanently on pre-mod. (Undeservedly, in my opinion.)

Those posts should appear in a few minutes, when the editors have ascertained that SEF's not saying anything subversive.

Oh dearie me!!!

It's possibly a bit of a daft tactic, like labelling a kid "disruptive" so the teachers have to monitor his every movement, sooner or later he will get disruptive 'cos he is fed up of being constantly monitored!

ah well, who are we to question?

*waits patiently to be labelled subversive....has visions of "We all live in a toilet painted green"

zdt

In a towwwwn
Where I was booorrrrn,
There lived a woo-ooman
a bit obsceeene,
And she hiiiiid
With all her friennnndzz
In a to-oilet
Painted greeeen....


Is that the one you mean?

Hey, Kamanchi, did you have a tune or music type in mind when you wrote your song?

Nothing specific had happened, I've just been feeling dead inside and alone recently...

Feel free to critique Snailrind... And I no specific ideas about music the poem/song could be to....

Can't say that feel any less apathetic.

With abit of space between me and those words, I'm embaressed to have published them.

I still love it. Since my initial enthusiasm, though, I've been feeling unqualified to comment on it. Pre-teaching nerves, you see. But here goes.

Obviously, the music would dictate things like how long the lines are and what sounds good as a refrain, but without music, I'd be inclined to simplify it by cutting out these three repeated parts: "each day"; "each night"; "another inch". I think this would, perversely, increase the emotional impact by creating a sort of pause. (But I keep changing my mind on this.)

It already has a poignancy to it, emphasised by the simplicity of the rhythm and shortness of the lines. It scans well, and reads smoothly with no jarring bits. The pace is kept slow and sombre by your use of elongated vowels throughout. "To die by another inch" is a wonderful phrase that I'm sure everyone can relate to. (I wish I'd thought of it first.)

These days I'm not that into poetry that goes on about emotional suffering: it gets awfully samey after a while. But this poem has a rawness and a realness to it that's delicious. In a sad sort of way....

There ya go.

'I'd be inclined to simplify it by cutting out these three repeated parts: "each day"; "each night"; "another inch". I think this would, perversely, increase the emotional impact by creating a sort of pause.'

I agree... I think they were added as much with a balance in mind than because I thought they gave emotional emphasis.

Now what may work is this:

's this truly living?
To die by another inch
Growing colder inside
Each and every bitter day

[Scream and sink deeper.
Drown and go under.
Tear and bleed your all
Appallingly mortal soul]

Is this really a life?
To die by another inch
Fed by all that is lost
Each and every lonely night

[Scream and sink deeper.
Drown and go under.
Tear and bleed your all
Appallingly mortal soul]

Do you still...
...by night...
...and blood.
Die and decay.

[Scream and sink deeper.
Drown and go under.
Tear and bleed your all
Appallingly mortal soul]

Is this your true want?
To die by another inch
Each and every bloody inch
To live and decay.'

Not sure about that... though I do like '...bloody inch' and "fu*king" may even be justifiable there...

Or cut down as you say thus:

'Is this truly living?
To die by another inch
Growing colder inside
Each bitter day

[Scream and sink deeper.
Drown and go under.
Tear and bleed your all
Appallingly mortal soul]

Is this really a life?
To die by another inch
Fed by all that is lost
Each lonely night

[Scream and sink deeper.
Drown and go under.
Tear and bleed your all
Appallingly mortal soul]

Do you still...
...by night...
...and blood.
Die and decay.

[Scream and sink deeper.
Drown and go under.
Tear and bleed your all
Appallingly mortal soul]

Is this your true want?
To die by another inch
Another inch
To live and decay.'

Mmm. Yes, it does work better trimmed a little.

Yes, I prefer the second version in that post.

Yeah me too.

Whatever. It's still crap.

Well, thanks for letting me critique it. It gave me confidence for critiquing the work of the writers in my class, even though they have a lot to learn compared to you.

No problem, it makes a nice change to feel that something even vaguely contructive could have come from of my little - "exercises" I guess one could call 'em. I'm trying to do little things when write these things. I'm trying to better understand what it is that I'm feeling. I'm trying to better accept that this is what I'm feeling. I'm trying detach myself from any unhelpful emotion around these things. And so on...

I tend to assume that the "victims" on the other end of my journals just mutter "ah, there he goes with his self-indulgent-teen-angst anti-poetry..."


I'm abit downhearted by the fact that the college couldn't offer me English Lit as part of course. But folk tell me that Sociology, Psychology and History are still right my street [or apply other relevent cliches].

'I tend to assume that the "victims" on the other end of my journals just mutter "ah, there he goes with his self-indulgent-teen-angst anti-poetry..."'

When I put poetry on my journal, I think, "this'll teach 'em, bloomin' lurkers!" The fact that anything poetry-related gets almost no response makes me feel like rebelliously posting more. You lot *are* my victims, as far as I'm concerned.

Why couldn't they offer you English Lit?