h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hi Hun,

Hello...

We were meant for each other, I thought we were meant for each other. I believed she loved me. I know I loved her. I don't know why I am alive. I'm alone again and this tyime it's forever.

I have no-one. I've lost her love and her friendship. I lost the only person I wanted.

I'm gonna have to burn myself now.

Please don't, Stealth.

Already did and helped, I'd be a jibbering wreck stuffing pills down my neck if I hadn't...

What did you burn yourself with, and for how long and whats marks did it leave?

Did you do it so that no one around you can see that you did it again, or did you burn your face?

Why does that make you feel better, does it help you when you tell us that you hurt yourself?

Are you curious to see whether we are uncomfortable to hear it, or whether some of us will just try to be there or perhaps you tell us in the rare hope that perhaps someone might have an answer and help you once and for all?

Do you feel that you will ever succeed in stopping doing this in the future or do you think you'll continue because you like it?

Wouldn't playing a game online (for example) or reading a book, creating a poem, distract you for a while till these self harming thoughts pass or going for a walk - feed the ducks, maybe stroke a local friendly cat help?

These are all things I'm wondering..because I don't like to hear people hurting or abusing themselves and wish I could say something to make it all better and you could still be sad about your love, but not mutilating yourself and just learning to deal with it and move on to other stuff...

Baby steps, you don't have to do anything big - maybe just look at a picture and notice the colours till it passes away. Or some magic eye pics..

I suppose I could look at it one way, in that I enjoy having my ears pierced etc and some ppl like tattoos and other various body art/jewellry. To get these you have to go thro some modicum of pain..but the end result is you feel sorta macho and chuffed you can sport a rather groovy pic or shiny item..

Whereas you just go thro the pain and get a scar, and feel better for having a visual scab of self punishment to look at?

Do you have lots of scars, where you can go back and think that was for that, this was for the stupid thing that I did there, this is for being so daft to love someone that doesn't love me back.

I have some pretty ugly accidental scars on my leg, arm and finger which I sometimes show off..when you get into a friendly 'pride of the wounded' between friends and showing off with gruesome tales of how you did it...

Do you show people all your scars with gruesome pride?

Can you imagine yourself not damaging yourself anymore in the future, and do you use it as emotional blackmail to other people when things arn't going your way?

I just wondered if you realise in real life the people around you that are aware of what you do, if you have told them - will be influenced about your self mutilation and as a consequence will treat you carefully..because they won't want the responsibility of your hurt?

I find myself wondering if all the things I say above might upset you, I hope that it doesn't because I would be so upset if you went and hurt yourself over what I've just said and then as a result I would probably not say what I think so much to people that suffer such as yourself...I can see you are an intelligent and definately not ugly young bloke..and you must have self analysed allot, just seemingly in the wrong direction.

I fixated on your self harming because that is what is happening now.



I'm very sorry that you have lost a love...there are others.

Love is rather odd, just when you think you'll never get it EVER again, it comes along surprisingly..

With the same dance but a different melody.

Loving yourself or perhaps loving your own ability to enjoy your surroundings or a game you might be playing and other peoples enjoyment and happiness is a good start to healing your emotions and helps you to move on.

*sigh*

I burned myself with acigarette. It's left blisters on left forearm.

The pain, the act of destroying part of myself just helps when I'm in emotional pain. Plus I suspect the chemicals released by the brain in repsonse to pain change the chemistry in my head.

I wasn't really at my most rational, I don't why I mentioned that I was hurting so much that I had to hurt myself, maybe I'm hoping that someone will understand or something I don't know.

I am not addicted to self harm, it's tool, a tool that I still have to use sometimes. I'm having CBT with Lydia and it is helping.

No, they don't help effectively, if they did I would use them!!!

Yes the scaring can help too.

No I don't catelogue my scars the way Suz does.

No I don't "show people my scars withe gruesome pride"!!! I'm not ashamed of my scars, I don't hide them, they are a part of me.

I'm not histrionic, I'm not an abuser and emotional blackmailer and I make no secret of my self tmisis harm.

I am ugly.

You think I self harm as a first choice? You think it's fun to spend hours in casualty waiting to have your arm stitched up or being unconcious for days a waking up in a hospital ward surrounded by stranger after suicide attempts?

I didn't know, Stealth, that's why I asked.

I'm sorry I have to pop off now - feed the G-force, bathe him, story-time and then bedtime...shall most likely get back here on Monday to answer your last posting properly.

Hello Stealth

Sorry it took so long for me to get back, I don't always get the time I'd like to spend on here.

Anyway...let me explain the barrage load of questions...I don't know you, I was exploring your mindset so to speak so I could understand why you do what you do yourself, by your answers to my questions...I was not judging you at all, I was just asking...I do hope you understand that

I didn't know whether or not it is your first choice, and most of all I can't fully understand what makes you tick because I have never physically hurt myself to punish myself for my emotions. I found that very difficult to relate to, so I was looking for something similar that I have done, that would perhaps give me a clue...

Which is why I compared it a little to body jewellry, tattoos and pride of the wounded... displaying scars...some people call the former self mutilative expressions.

People do this allot, look for things or similaritys in people, makes them feel comfortable and they know where they are because they understand whats going on...I would assume not many people would feel comfortable in your presence knowing that you hurt yourself, even if you assure them that you don't do it allot.

Can't you do other stuff to continue not to make it your last choice? Have you tried not to at all or do you always finally give in and do it?

<>

I do know that your body releases chemicals after pain, fright, exercise that makes you feel good, I think I mentioned that before to you...and asked why don't you exercise or go bungi jumping...

I suppose that this is much the same as being an addict, and if you are addicted to doing this to yourself to make yourself feel better then you may always have that potential to destroy yourself Err....what is CBT?

<>

I'm afraid that I disagree, it sounds like you have convinced yourself that you only do it occasionally. For many people once would sound like to much

I wish I could help you understand and live with yourself better, but I'm afraid I'm only me and I can't do that, all I can do as an online friend, is to examine my responses towards what you say and hope by expressing them honestly as I can, you might learn something about yourself by my reactions to you.

I'm glad that you don't abuse other people with your own abuse...thats a good thing. It's also good, (I think) that you are not ashamed of yourself because I feel that would lead to more self harming.

As for you being ugly, you seem so set in your opinion of yourself we could say it till we are blue in the face and gasping for breath and you still wouldn't believe us that you are not ugly. That is a shame. I don't believe anything in this universe is ugly...everything is subjective to the eye of the beholder and their experiences.

Some people may find it insulting that you can't accept an honest compliment with grace. Whether you believe them or not.

I don't like figure, body or face - get any woman started on this subject and you could be there for hours! But, however I do recognise that some people do like the look of me, whether its my smile or the way my eyes crinkle when I find something funny for example.

(I know other people find me irritating and obnoxious too )

What I'm trying to say, and going the long way around...*sorry* is that what you see in the mirror isn't what RL people see that makes you attractive.

You start by saying that you don't know me, you then go on to imply that I am in denial about an addiction to self harm. How do you justify that?

CBT is cognitive behavioural therapy.

As for not graciously accepting compliments, well, I am not going to pretend to be flattered when what I really feel is pain.

Gosh weirdest thing I keep on getting booted off, and its says welcome unknown hitchhicker at the top and underneath , hello manical vixen..odd...I think if I wonder about the workings of the server too long, my brain will end up in knots or just go *pop*

Anyhow Stealth

I'm just trying to respond the best way that I can, I don't feel the need to justify myself as such, but rather more of a need to explain what I have said being as you were wondering what I'm trying to say, and I have patience for you.

I do find that I do contradict myself on occasion..feel free to point that out to me... No offense will be taken, and I will do my best to explain - hopefully not condradicting myself again...

You are quite right, I did say I didn't know you and I don't. And yes you are right I did say that I thought you were addicted to self harming.

I did also say that I was just responding honestly and the best way that I could to your replies to my questions. I was trying not to judge you as such but to tell you my imediate thoughts to your responses, because I didn't have any answers as such, unfortunately

I wish I did.

As for graciously accepting comments, fair enough you don't have to pretend to be flattered, I don't either! But if someone says to perhaps, "you look nice today Tracy" I might say something like, "how very kind of you to say so" or, if I know em really well, "I feel like shit, thank god it doesn't show". I guess I was critizing you with that comment, but well you were being hard on yourself, I'm a gentle lamb in comparison..

I get the impression you haven't met many self harmers. I have. I am in a better position to judge if someone is addicted to self harm or dependant on self harm or is histrionic. I am not addcited to self harm and I am not histrionic, I don't either of those personalities. I am compared to most of the self harmers I know dependant on self harm in a minor way.

I met a few when I was sectioned in the Mental Hospital, but I didn't know all of their problems and had a few of my own at the time.

There was this one young-ish man - late twenties early thirties, whos arms were so scarred by countless razor blades, it looked like he had been burnt - his arms looked like they had melted, there had been so many slashes over many years

Very sad.

Suz's arms are in much the same condition as were Hannah's and other people I've known, I only have about 30 - 40 scars that are still really visable, for most of my life I self harm by hitting myself, biting, binge eating and hair pulling and other things that for the most part didn't leave any long lasting conspicuous markings. It's only the last two years that I've been cutting and burning with any frequency. The ways I have harmed myself have and are many a various. But I have not become addcited to any one method, with the possible exception of Binge Eating, which is a disorder in itself. I have certainly been dependant on self harm to stay relatively sane and alive. But I am not addicted and will eventually have no use for it.

That's good that you know you are not going to do it anymore, I must admit it was rather daunting to come in to the first couple of posts.