h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

http://www.underjoyed.co.uk/journal/

"Phill was going to come up tomorrow but I dont think he's going to anymore...which means Im not going to get back:
My phone charger,
Nemisis,
Yes Prime Minister,
...my Jack Off Jill cd's....smeg, I forgot about them...(this is bad),
and probably a few other things. I also sent £30 down in postal orders for his ticket that I cant get back with the stubs. I cant cope with being like this with him anymore and there are habits I have (ie, lots of diet pills) that he's not going to get around and there are things he's said/done that have hurt me inside permenantly (I DONT CARE IF ALL THESE PEOPLE HE TALKED TO ON THE WARD SAID THAT HE DID NOTHING WRONG, IM MENTALLY ILL ~AND~ A TEENAGER, things have happened in the past to me that Im not going to go into now but Im not going through it again as that sort of behaviour doesnt stop and has been increasing with him.) . He's not a bad person and its not his fault, its my dads fault. Sue and Mum have both tried to drum into me that if he wants to overdose, he will do and me ignoring what I feel and pretending everything can go back to what it was is just going to hurt us both. "Enough. Enough now." (urgh, cant believe I just quoted "Love Actually")."

I tried to phone before I came on line to check that she still wanted me to come down tomorrow. But all I get when I phone the house is 'She gone out' or 'She isn't here', when I try the mobile I get diverted to the answer phone thing.

I don't know what 'ward' she is talking about. But I do know that my GP and BT both said that it was normal to get upset about the things that I got upset about. And I shouldn't judge myself bably for them. I got upset by her taking another handful of diet pills when I explain how hurtful it was that she was poisening herself with them and how stupid it was. Her reaction was 'If I'm gonna be stupid I had better do it properly' and took that extra handful of pills. That hurt me so much! I tried not to cry or shout out, I was just hurt so much. It felt like she was declaring that she loved her overdoses more than she loved me. Later that night I had an outburst. I forget what triggered it. But I remember what I did. And I have a general idea of what I said. The outburst of what appear to be rage are part of my BPD, they happen as a kind of defense mechanism for when someone is coursing emotional pain. I hate them. But Suz has read about the sypmtoms of BPD and I have told her about them. But she has just convinced herself that I am like her dad.

You wouldn't touch me if you had seen me.

I've had people blow up at me. I'm desensitzed to it anymore. Mom will do it any chance she gets. I'm used to it, and I would understand even more with you because of the BPD. It happens and you get used to it happening.

It was the first time I had had one with her. It was hurt and frustration that couldn't be reasoned with about those effing diet pills. She isn't fat!!!

That's another mental thing altogether, that you are describing. It's not exactly her fault and it's not yours either, so don't blame yourself or her, it won't fix anything.

My frustration and hurt built up and them snap, my feelings switch off, my rational mind was disengaged and I acted in such a way as to scare her and put her in mind of the awful abuse her father subjected her to. It's not her fault she was hurt and scared. But she has to accept that I'm not going to do any of the things her father did to her, I am not her father, and it's only under certain triggers that it happens. One of those being her acting like my feelings mean less to her than her taking diets pills she doesn't need.

If she had a traumatic childhood it will be harder for her to accept that everytime someone gets mad, it's not necessarily at her. It's one of those tiny quirks that comes with living in an abusive household.

I have BPD (albeit mild in comparison to yours)
and grew up with an abusive dad.It can be difficult..when someone totally different who you know is nothing like the other person and never could be,does or says something that triggers the past feelings and inadvertantly makes you feel as the other person did..it can be hard to seperate it..i'm with someone lovely now..who wouldn't hurt me for the world..yet still theres the odd unthought remark or whatever that brings all my insecurities n past feelings rearing up..doesn't mean i think he's like my dad though..and I'm sure Suz doesn't think that of you. It must be very difficult for you both to try to deal with and understand each others issues and 'problems' as well as your own
..especially when they can rub each other up..but i hope with time you can get past that and be as happy as you deserve to be.As for the diet pills..hmmm,sometimes the more you tell someone with a self image prob theyre beautiful as you are n you love them, the more they look at themselves and notice where they fall short of what they feel you deserve to have (i'm going through that at the mo)! patience is the only way to deal with that..and maybe gently encouraging healthier ways whilst 'trying' not to criticise..? I hope you can sort something out anyway..

and sorry for butting in..you dont really know me n prolly like me even less..but i do lurk to find out how Suz is doing ..and therefore how you are too

Not much I can do when she doesn't want to talk to me... or even listen.

I know that when says something like 'I'm fat and ugly, I'm the fattest thing in the world' That simply say 'You're not fat!' Is not helpful... because she's like me, things that don't fit with your ingrained image of yourself can hurt no matter how well meant. But somewhere along the line I slipped into it.

Have you tried ..'but i don't care cos youre gorgeous anyway!?'to the 'fat' protests? and that all you care about is her being healthy n happy with herself not what she looks like?
It's not easy to believe when someone says these things..(not for people like me n Suz anyway)
but it does get easier..and we do 'want' to believe them! I've got as far now as believing most of the time that my belives what hes saying..and thats an improvement.Theres a lot of damage to 'over write' as it were..n that takes time..n more action than words..it can be hard to doubt the way someone sees you when they look at you as though there looking at something beautiful..even though youre not
you may not be talking now..but you will be i'm sure.Sometimes we all need a little space to think..but how you feel doesnt just go away..n she'll be in touch..im quite sure of that.

Sometimes Suz will decide that she doesn't want to talk to you... because she can't cope with stress or whatever... then it mutates in her mind into you don't want to talk to her. And once she convinced herself of that it's hard to shift it.

I've tried all that and more ways of letting her know that not only is it my opinion that she is not fat but it is gorgeous and very sexy. I even tried letting her know this by not keeping the fact she has me in a constant state of arousel as discreet as perhaps a gentle should...

Then its just a matter of time and patience..these things do sink in eventuallly if consistant enough..

And sod being discreet n gentlemanly..we like the ego boost especially when its something that can't be pretended or a lie..

Suz can conherself that anything that implies a positive about her is a lie.

Hey Stealth

Sorry to hear your having such a hard time

Have you tried writing a letter to her, to explain how you feel? Sometimes this gives both of you time, yourself time to muse and write and her to read and digest what you've written and how it makes her feel.

I hope things get better for you both.

Vix

At the moment I operating on the premise that if she doesn't want to talk to me then any such letter, e mail, phonecall or what ever will only upset her more.

oh...wimin eh?

No...

I don't think there is anything I could say that would give her any new information on how I feel. It how she feels that is the issue. I would be very lucky if contacting her didn't upset her more. All I can do is give her time and hope that she gets over being critisized for poisoning herself with overdoses of diet pills that she has no idea how they react to her medication. Yes, I did it in a nasty way, but I did *not* choose to do it in a nasty way. It just came out that way because I am ill and I was hurt and distressed by it. No amount of reasoning with her will make her understand that, because she is ill too.

Sorry I was trying to make a little light of it all...by saying wimin eh, implying that we are all sensitive creatures and you can never get it right, men that is....I was trying to say this with a rueful smile...it kinda gets lost over the internet..

Didn't mean to belittle whats going on in yours and her life...its a shame your both having such a bad time - I hope for you both that it leads to better times soon...

I know... It's just I can't really see the funny side to "this"...

I haven't completely lost my sense of humour, RedDwarf was on the other night, enjoyed that, Coupling and the new Rob Brydom thing were on tonight and I got to laugh at them and I saw Shrek the other day which was beautifully done comedy.

But most of the time I feel dead inside and and the rest. I just want her back, but then I know that everyone I know will go away in the end.