h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

How can we tell the people in the white coats enough is enough
- New Model Army, 'White Coats'

PTSD, Dis-Q, EMDR, TPE... I have a 'couple' of 'mark out of 5 how potty you are' questionnaires to do again.

I thought I will start with the easiest one - it only has 20 questions. After question 3, I was grumpy, by 4, I had got sarky on the paper and by 5, I was swearing about stupid questions with stupid answers and how can you simplify an answer into 'never', 'sometimes', 'often' or 'always'. I nearly screwed the thing up and threw it at the wall.
I saw question 14 and I was laughing my head off as it was 'Do you Feel irritable or have fits of anger?' Err yes!!

I can't wait for the 63-question dissociation one. (How do they expect me to get through that without blanking out?) Meanwhile - Bob bless it - the Becks depression test. It is an institution.

I am laughing again now, but give it 5 minutes and I will be screaming like a mad woman. Now I get it - that's why they give you them

i never do them unless im realy forced to usually just go good good excerlant good poor excerlent good god2.5 seconds my best recorded time for doing a questionnaire

Oh Mort; Please make my day & pass it on, then i can translate(!!!encore) it into incredibly bad frogsqueak & hurl it at viking; oh jeez, i foresee hours of fun & weeping over this!!!!

Almost as good as Star Academy; is that one of the questions "Do you take Reality TV more seriously than your supposed best friend standing in front of TV screen screaming "Hallo: i exist!" & flashing her s at you?"

if yes; go to question 5 (a)
if no; go to question 6 (b)
if undecided; consult the next door neighbour (see paragraph 4b)

If next door neighbour looks blank when you apologise for the screaming the other night & says "Wouldn't hear it, we are too busy screaming ourselves", see question 49 (c) "do you ever feel the world has actually gone quietly mad all on its own, so you are no longer entitled even to a nice healthy guilt complex?"

zdt

I never do questionnaire, because if you have choose 1 of 4 answer the change answer for me is percentage of 2 answers is very big of it is not there!

Just had a lecture on depression - apparantly depressed people:

Pay too much attention to little things.
Take everything personally.
Are perfectionists.
Only pay attention to criticism.

If that's the definition they use, no wonder they have to ask stupid questions - they probably think everyone is depressed or something...

Unfortunately I can't avoid doingthem Pheloxi, as my specialist gave them to me!

Alex - they really should let the patients write them, sane people just have no idea what to ask!

How about this for a general starter questionnaire:

1)Do you consider yourself unusual in any way? If so, use the next 3 pages to tell us exactly how.

...

2)Do you hear voices? If so, do they talk to you or about you?

3)Do you really hate this questionnaire already?

4)Do you feel like kicking anyone right now?

etc etc

The answer to question 3 is always yes - in fact if that were asked after you had just written your name it would still be yes!

How about

Do you think we are asking this questionnaire because we don't have a clue?

</>whisper<>

Alex...depressed people don't hear voices...we would refuse to listen to them if we heard any anyway.

We just tend to go off on one when things don't go our way...oh, and not forgetting the lack of anger management Things tend to get broken along the way

Sorry - the questionnaire was for everything under the sun, not just depression. It would save paper to just have one form, y'see.

Yes - that would keep us loonies off the streets! Create 1,000 questions per week, and then answer them the next week

On second thoughts - perhaps not!

I think that questionnaire need "current state of mind"
a
b
c
d
e
f
g
h
i
j
k
l
m
n
o
p
q

you are allowed more than one posibility!

Ooooooooooh....but wouldn't that mean we have split personalities? Or are disassociating? Or not concentrating...isn't that a symptom of depression?

But if we don't take the questionnaire seriously we are in denial.

But don't get angry 'cos that indicates you are hostile.

And if you end up saying "No matter *what* i answer it will be seen a wrong; i simply can't win!" lord help you, that's a strong indicator of a schizotypal personality.

Best bet is to scrawl in large but childish writing "Me be a nutter, me no can do this" across the front. Large black felt pen is best for this, press hard enough & it transfers through to all the other pages too.

And then you can sit & sniff the pen.

zdt

There's no such thing as loonies - just normal people with intersting brains. At least that's what the neurologists say

oOo oOo

That would make me a very interesting subject!

]

Try answering in green ink. That confuses people. I keep a green pen for proofreading other people's stuff...