h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

"I believe the human being and the fish can co-exist peacefully."- Gues who?

george bush?

sorry we mustn't misunderestimate him must we

you've probably heard this but if not...

'A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?"

The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows the man all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"

St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."

The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going
faster than others. He asks, "Why is it that some clocks are moving faster than other clocks?"

St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person does something out of total stupidity, it speeds up his clock."

This seemed to make sense to the man, so he takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices there is one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. He couldn't contain his curiosity so he asks, "What's the story with that clock?"

"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's George W. Bush's clock. We decided to use it as a fan." '

Lol! Actually I haven't heard that one before. Liking it a lot, me dearzz! Crikey it's hot!

A lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing
his sins:
1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he
knew they were guilty.
2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.
3) Overcharging fees to many clients.
4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed
in a controversial case.

And the list goes on for quite awhile.

The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these
things, but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also."
St. Peter looks in his book and says,"Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime
to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy,
correct?" The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, "Yes."
St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, "Give this guy 15
cents and tell him to go to hell."

Heee, heee!

er... when did i suggest our legal system had nething 2 do with fish???

You didn't. I did, Hooo, hooo!