E.T.S.:

We have with us today one of the survivors of the roils and upheavals in the field of popular entertainment in the last hundred years,
Mr. Tiny Perihelion, of the great variety act 'Tiny Perihelion and His Dancing Cats'.

Good morning, Tiny!


Tiny:

(cough) Ah, yes. Hello.

Would you mind calling me 'Burt'?

That's what the pusses call me.


E.T.S.:

You talk to your cats?


Burt:

Of course.


E.T.S.:

And they talk to you?


Burt:

Of course. In several languages, some of whom I do not spake.


E.T.S.:

Such as?


Burt:

Oh, French, Flemish, Romany, Farsi, English, Coptic.


E.T.S.:

Ah, but though you don't speak them, you recognize them as whatever tongue they are?


Burt:

Ah, not as such, but I have relayed their communications to me to several imminent linguists over at the Liars Club and they have told me what tongue is bein' wagged.


E.T.S.:

And you are how old, sir?


Burt:

Um, I forget. Let me ask Brutus, here.


E.T.S.:

Dear listeners, Burt is reaching into the inside pocket of his Burberry and withdrawing a medium-sized small-headed short-haired calico cat. He is purring and meowing in it's ear and then listening to it roaw back. He is putting the cat back in the coat and turning to me.


Burt:

Had a bit of confusion, there. She thought I was dead. By her calculations, I must be almost 92. I have no reason to doubt her.


E.T.S.:

You let a cat tell you how old you are?


Burt:

Let's show some respect!

They have anywhere from nine to 52 lives and and I only have one.


E.T.S.:

Nine to 52 lives?


Burt:

Well, yes, some of them have multiple personalities, those that aren't channeling some reincarnated personage.


E.T.S.:

Surely you must be joking. A cat with multiple personalities? I have trouble in some cases even detecting one! And 'channeling' some reincarnated personages? How is that possible? If they're reincarnated then they don't need 'channeling'. They should be perfectly capable of expressing themselves in their current form, shouldn't they?


Burt:

Up to a point, yes, but when was the last time you seriously took notice of a cockroach or a magpie, um, when it was expressing itself?
The cats channel the thoughts and the feelings of these poor souls who missed the brass ring of karma on their last 'go-round', if you will.


E.T.S.:

Umm. Hmmm.

And these cats of yours, I understand that they dance, also?


Burt:

Yes, many of them have been known to do so occasionally.


E.T.S.:

I thought you had made a career out of presenting these dancing cats as an act, doing the circuit, performing for Royalty and Presidents and such?


Burt:

Well, yes, once upon a time, but no more. I can't travel too well and the cats got tired of dancing.


E.T.S.:

So what is it you do now?


Burt:

Well, I'm essentially retired, but the cats work for British Telecom in the Hold department.


E.T.S.:

This is absolutely mind-boggling. What do they do there?


Burt:

They play with the nice coloured buttons, placing people on and off hold and selecting the hold music.


E.T.S.:

You're quite sure that is what they do?


Burt:

Well, that is what they've been telling me. I haven't checked up on them, but the money is flowing into their joint account, so I assume that they have no reason to lie and I can't imagine a cat doing anything illegal.


E.T.S.:

I can't imagine my wanting to continue this interview.

Good night, all.


Burt:

But, I haven't....