Louise

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I was 30 years old when I had my first baby(and had reached that age thinking i wasn't going to haveany children at all........until i found out i was pregnant!)
I had the most beautiful bay girl, only 5lb 7ozs full term, but sooooo beautiful! We called her Louise Marie
because we thought it suited her. We were so proud of her and were only too willing to show her off when asked.

Then one saturday afternon I went to wake her for her feed and she wouldn't wake up!! Loke neone else I suppose, I panicked and the nieghbours called the ambulance. The crew went through the motions, although we all knew it was futile. No one dould see anything for tears, even the ambulance crew.She was only 9 weeks old and, although she was gaining weigt normally,she was still pretty tiny.
We were taken to the hospital where i worked on the A&E dept.and i was met at the door by the Sister,( a frind and collegue)who couldn't say anything for crying n just hugged me. It was only weels ago that she had visited us at home to see Louise n bring her a gift.
The baby had been examined by a doctor and pronounced dead,so i ased if I could see her and, when i did, she was so tiny, lying all wrapped p on an adults bed. I picked her up and held her for the longest time. I never made any noise but tears were blinding me all the time i was there.
I was eventually coaxed to put her down,by someone, i think it was the hospital chaplin, and THAT'S when i fell apart!!
It was alsi then that I had an 'out of body' experience! It was weird, I was near the ceiling watching myself crying and a lot of other faceless people milling around not knowing what to say.
Then my husband arrived,he'd been out somewhere and was found and told what had happened en route to the hispital he was staggering as he arrived in the room because he too was blinded by his tears.

Days afterwards, the coroner phoned ne to tell me unfirtunately they could not find any reason why my baby died and would have to class it as Sudden Infant Death Syndrome(Cot Death)
This to me seemed the cruelist twist of all!!
I might have been able to accept it better if they had found a reason for her death,but the news only seemed to twist the knife in am already gaping wound in my heart!

However this horrendous experience has taught me NEVER to take nething for granted.
I went on to have two more beautiful and healty children and, although now they are teenagers, I STILL go up to their bedrooms every night when they are asleep and just listen to them breathing, if i can't hear them breathing, i lick my finger and hold it under their nose just to feel the breath.
My friends laugh at this and i laugh with them I must seem weird to them doing this to teenagers, but I will never stop checking on them while thay are in my care.
And there is not a day goes by that I don't tell them I love them or give them cuddles n hugs at every opportunity i get(even if the atmosphere is not very warm after arguements or disagreements). I will make a point of finding a space to either apologise or just say 'I love you' to them.
They are the world to me and I will never let them forget thay are loved by at least one person everyday.

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