Flix and Fades: Interviews Izakylan Jetty-Pier, Oscar Nominee
Created | Updated Dec 23, 2003
It's always something...
The coming round of the anticipation of the premonition of the Oscar nominations has taken up a good part of the mental activity of infotainment correspondents more and more over the years.
Dr. Art Farmer, our media critic here at IPR, YFITA, has become increasingly bored with both the films and the stars mentioned and learned that it is much more fun to peer into the margins and fine print of the nominations and the awards.
Outside of the award for "Best Sprocket Hole Alignment in a Handheld Camera"
the nomination category that truly caught his eye and his imagination this year was for the "Best Supported Still-Lactating Over-40 Unmarried Mother in a Musical Reinterpretation of a Literary Classic Written by a Rediscovered Armenian Expatriate Author Who Escaped the Horrors of the '48 in Bavaria by Sneaking to Halifax Aboard an Awash Former Whaling Ship"!
"Simply Mind-boggling in it's inanity and specificity!," was Dr. Farmer's comment after he stopped swearing.
Then his perspicatious mind was blown further when he noticed that there were five nominees!The Lucky Five!
Purecia Lee-Rorf, for "Thirty-Five Days In The Hold"
Amy Jones Teerone, for "My Life Without Fresh Bread"
Izakylan Jetty-Pier, for "Blubber Haunts My Dreams"
Karatina Sic Plew, for "I Wish I'd Stayed And Been Shot"
and
Byrona Carapace-Hardener, for "I'd Sing Louder if the Bosun's Mate Hadn't Threatened My Pet Ocelot"
And now, Dr. Art Farmer, your host for "Flix and Fades", with the only one of the nominees who would acknowledge having heard of the nomination, Miss Izakylan Jetty-Pier!
Dr. Farmer:
And, Hello, Miss Jetty-Pier!
Miss I. J. P.:
Oh, please call me Kylie!
Dr. Farmer:
Okay. Anyway, how does it feel to be a nominee for this award?
Kylie:
I'm not sure yet whether it is a joke yet or not.
Dr. Farmer:
Neither am I.
Kylie:
So why are you inteviewing me about it?
Dr. Farmer:
Because I'm curious and all the other awards are so boring.
Kylie:
We all have our crosses to bare.
Yeah, I know, did you see that one for "Most trustworthy makeup girl"?
Dr. Farmer:
No.
Kylie:
It's right next to the one for "Best impersonation of a scriptwriter by a third year medical student in a preproduction meeting of investors on the Pacific Rim". I knew a girl who won that one. She hasn't been able to work since. Everybody has a six month option on her, but all the money is in escrow while her legal guardian fights it out with the World Bank inspectors who are having problems with the escudos into euros and back into East Georgian grain future markers conversion, which is only taxable in three of the offshore banking countries, but if she uses a Belgian or a New Jersey tax form, then she has to convert the whole thing into Australian Exchequer Certificates that only mature on even years when the Swallows refuse to return to Capistrano...
Dr. Farmer:
Wow. So do you have any hopes of winning this particular award?
Kylie:
Actually, I and all the other women who were nominated, including the one that nobody knows is a female impersonator, have been consulting with our lawyers to see if we can get a class-action discrimination suit going against the people who nominated us.
Dr. Farmer:
Why?
Kylie:
Because we worked hard on those films, no matter how crappy or unappreciated they may be and we want the idiots who clumped our chests and our ages and our motherhood (or fatherhood) statuses into a lump with those poor men who suffered so much and had the courage to write about it and the poor scriptwriters who were paid to rewrite the books into the sad crap that the movies often become nowadays to do a little sweating, too...
We've worked hard to become famous and been fortunate to live to be over-forty
and some of us have paid a lot of money in order to be able to pump out a unit at our age
and some of us were very pleased to be offered any part,
let alone these ones,
so we want these jerks who may or may not be making fun of us to sweat out a court case while we increase our publicity profiles at their expense.
Dr. Farmer:
So, how did you feel about the movie?
Kylie:
Hated every second of it. Have no intention of working with those people ever again or even watching the movie. I didn't even attend the dailies.
Dr. Farmer:
So you think it was a horrible waste of time?
Kylie:
Oh, no. You have to suffer for your art. This was a wonderful resume gig. I worked with people that I've never worked with before and tried some things I've never tried before. I think it was just horrible enough of an experience that I probably learned something I will never forget.
Dr. Farmer:
And what was that?
Kylie:
Breastfeeding on the set between takes can be a tremendous career move...
Tee-hee...
Dr. Farmer:
Urk! Hello, Nurse!
Kylie:
Good night, everybody!
