MUMMY!

And, here's Ypid Seeny with another of his famous 'man-in-the-street' thingies, where he pops round with a question or two to the passersby and pedestriennes on East Longlong Street, near the zebra crossing and the panda car at Pearshape Road.

We have seen from recent features in the Guardian that several enterprising young people have tried similar activities for their webcasts in Manchester, Glasgow and Scunthorpe.

We have accordingly sent along condolence cards, digestive bisquits and a little note warning them not to do it again.

It truly does help to look like Ypid Seeny before you try anything like this.

As we have never seen him, we will have to take his word for it.

Actually, one of the secretaries once saw him and her account of the event alone is enough reason for us to make sure that he gets his cheques on time....

SFX: Various barge and water noises throughout, with an occasional vague shout of a possible scatological nature, but we're not sure


Ypid Seeny:

Hi, Ya!

In the early seventies, Bergmann and Fellini engaged in a little-known but long-awaited collaboration effort variously called "Cautionary Fumetti from Hell" and "Doris the Horse visits her Grandma".

Our question today, of any and all that I might snag as they pole and motor and horse down the canal, is, in the early dailies of the movie, when the bucket holder for the incontinent Queen is shown in the left profile in the marketplace, what does the tattoo on his left eye say?


And, here is our first victim!

Ma'am, what is your name?


Lady:

Oo wants ter know?


Ypid:

I am Ypid Seeny! And I have a question for you!


Lady:
Oi've 'eard o'oo! Not wiffout a lieyer, oo don't!


Ypid: Ah, c'mon! I've got a bit of candy here, hand-pulled by the Earl of Wessex during a documentary filming at Bishopsgate during a pistol amnesty last year and a release form you can sign that absolves you of all your sins in the last forty-eight hours!


Lady:

Ahhh... Burt what iff enny erve moiy furrends sees me?


Ypid:

Just for you, I will promise that we won't show your face on the radio!


Lady:

Oi! Arright, then! Ask away! Nothing sexxuel, I hope, I doin't terrust oo jermalist toipes.


Ypid:

I promise, this won't hurt a bit. Now, in the early seventies...


Lady:

Here! Oi'm not that oiled!


Ypid:

Bear with me, ma'am!


Lady:

You beehive! I tole oo nun o'that sexxuel stuff!


Ypid:

NO, no, no. I meant, just hang on a bit. Listen to what I'm saying.


Lady:

Oi. Wun cannever be sewer wit oo onions, y'know. Go a'ead, then, luv.


Ypid:

In the early nineteen-seventies, a movie was almost made by Ingmar Bergmann and Frederico Fellini...


Lady:

Oi've 'eard o'them. Aren't they on the list?


Ypid:

Could be. Are you Catholic?


Lady:

Oi dinna kin, but Oi'll ersk me mum when I sees her next. So, this flicker, it were a dirty wun?


Ypid:

Possibly, in some sewing circles south of the Highlands, but that is neither here nor there.


Lady:

Then, were ore we?


Ypid:
That's a manner of speaking, Ma'am.


Lady:

Oi! Oo does have some lurvy menners. Did yer mum tich oo?


Ypid:

That's not the point of this interview.


Lady:

Oi! Sew hit's han hinterview, now, ist it? Am Oi gonna be paid?


Ypid:

Oh, this is hopeless. Cut!


Ypid: This has been Ypid Seeny, on the canals south of...

SFX: Motor sounds and splashing and creaking


...in the garden spot of England. Tune in next week, when I will ask some unsuspecting soul who it was that first wrote about ladders in stockings during the aftermath of the Belgian Revolution of 1848!

This has been Ypid Seeny, for Irritating Public Radio!

Hey, get that dog off me!


Lady:

Tich oo to disrespeck ah honest wummen! Get'im, Rupert!

SFX: various dog attack noises


Ypid:

Hellup!