The Tom Green Chronicles Revisited

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Arrrgghhhh, I'm getting so behind on these! And

I can't

say why. smiley - tongueout Anyway though! I shall

endure! I ngelaidh dagrar1!... And stuff... Heh.

Jade: Okay, so we've

established that Jessie is a life-sucking smiley - bleep.
Firefly: To wit; she has

founded a school for clinically evil children, made a home

for people with what she
believes to be bad hair, has legalised caffeine, (which
has a known narcotic effect on all Martians,) and she was
just a right evil cheap smiley - bleep mothersmiley - bleeping smiley - bleepy
smiley - bleep back in Rocket Academie. Oh. And her gauntlet is
shiner than yours.
Jade: *looks slightly

irritated* Moving on then, she has also taken over my

position as resident goddess.
Firefly: I think that's

probably the biggest problem.
Jade: *begins unfastening her

gauntlet* Fred dear?
Fred: Yes Jade?
Jade: *hands him the

gauntlet* Take this somewhere and get it polished. I want

it to gleam. Right?
Fred: *nods and takes the gauntlet, looking more than a

slight bit in absolute and utter awe, and takes it off to

be polished*

Martian Soldier: *walks to Tom, salutes* We are currently

orbiting the planet sir. Permission to... erm, well

Tom: Yeah, you do that.
Martian Soldier: *salutes once again* Yessir. *walks away

Tom: We’re about to land. D’you have any idea what you’re

going to do?
Jade: Not really. I was

thinking more or less of going

with the fly-by-the-seat-of-my-corduroys approach.
Tom: *shrugs* Works for me.
Fred: *Grinning from ear to ear, comes back in with Jade’s gauntlet laying on a pillow in his hands. It is glittering in a somewhat ethereal manner.* Here you are!
Jade: Oh Fred! It’s


*She picks it up and clips

it back onto her hand. It glitters ethereal-y some more.*

Let’s see Jessie’s do this, yo.

*She holds it up so that

the lights on the catch on the crystals, sending bright

prism-y rainbows dancing about the walls of the bridge*
Firefly: Wow. It’s never

been so... shiny. *he reaches out

his hand toward it*
Jade: *smacks his hand

away* Whoa there. You don’t want to

smudge it now...
Firefly: Come on, just lemme

touch it a little...
Jade: No.
Firefly: Please? *makes a

puppy-dog face*
Jade: No.
Firefly: Pretty pretty

Jade: No.

*After a while of orbiting and hailing down to the planet

air traffic control, the Martian ship finally lands on the

surface of the planet. It is a breezy and rather balmy day

on the surface of Mars2. There is a rather large crowd of

people waiting near the landing platform, looking somewhat

glad to see them as Jade

and the others. As soon as Jade

steps off the ship, she begins to glow in somewhat of an

ethereal manner.*
Firefly: Wow. I wasn’t

expecting that...
Jade: You weren’t expecting

Firefly: You’re glowing.
Jade: *grins* Well, I am,

after all, the goddess.

Crowd: *assorted cheers such as “hurray,” “yay”*
Jade: *waves* Um, hi all.

Sorry I was gone so long, but see...

Random Martian 1: But hey who cares, you’re back now, yes?
Jade: Erm, I suppose so,

yeah. Heh.

Crowd: *cheers again*
Firefly: *puts his face

close to Jade’s ear and

whispers* They certainly look happy to see you, but what about my needs, eh?
Jade: *laughs* Awww, you’re

just jealous...

*With a slight bit of difficulty, Jade and the others get

into a nondescript black hovercraft and speed off toward

the citadel in the centre of the city.*
Tom: *looking increasingly nervous* So, erm, d’you have a

plan yet?
Jade: No, Tom, but I

thought you had established that

Fred: You really might want to start thinking about a

Jade: Why should I bother

when my gauntlet is so shiny?
Tom: Because Jessie is a right evil cheap smiley - bleep

mothersmiley - bleeping smiley - bleepy smiley - bleep, if you recall.
Jade: Oh, right. That.
Fred: Then you have a plan?
Jade: No.

Fred and Tom *Giant proverbial anime sweat-drops appear

on their foreheads.*

*They arrive at the citadel and exit the hovercraft, then

are ushered inside.*
Jade: What has she done

with the décor?
Firefly: It looks like an

enlarged version of the Lovely

Room from Animal Crossing4 *he shudders*
Tom: *whispers* Yeah, we didn’t think you’d be too happy

about that...
Jade: Right, where is she,

then? I want my old smiley - bleepy

job back...
Tom: *whispers* Don’t talk so loud, she might hear you...

*A small Siamese cat looking thing sidles into the room,

regards them all for a moment, and then gasps*
Meowth5: Jade!

You’re back!
Jade: Don’t act so

Firefly: *waves* Hey Meowth.
Meowth: And Firefly! Wow,

we didn’t think youse guys was

commin’ back!

*A young man with shoulder-length blue hair walks into the

James6: Meowth, quiet down, will you? Jessie’s

trying to sle- *gasp* Jadie! *He runs to her and hugs her

extremely tight*
Jade: *squeaks* Ow...
James: *releases her* Oh, sorry...
Firefly: *raises a

disapproving eyebrow at Jade: * Hello

James: Firefly! Oh goodness

gracious, I’m so glad you two

are back!
Jessie: *screams from up the stairs* I thought I told you

all to be quiet!
James: *winces* Now we’ve done it...
Meowth: *tugs at the leg of Jade’s corduroys* You oughtta

go hide behind dat curtain dere.
Jade: No! That’s insane.
James: No, he has a point, really. The last time this

happened she just went on a rampa-
Jessie: I went on a what, James?
James: *curses under his breath, then mutters* Erm,


Tom Green

Chronicles Mark II


Jedi Jade

09.01.03 Front Page

Back Issue Page

1Translated as 'The

trees have gone to

2Regardless of what those

scientist chaps say about there being that red spot and

all sorts of storms. I mean some on now, they’re

smiley - bleepin’ scientists. What the smiley - bleep do they

3Can you tell that’s my favourite word

4For those who don’t

know, the Lovely Room set of furnishings (in the Gamecube

game Animal Crossing) consists chiefly of a whole lot of

pink and red, and hearts. On everything. Think the

girliest room you’ve ever seen, add more pink (on top of

what’s more than like already there,) and multiply it by

5Yes, as in Meowth from the Pokémon

6Do I even have to tell you who this is

after the Meowth thing? Just read the story,


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