And now kiddies and… non-kiddies, its time for The Tom Green Chronicles
Revisited Chapter II! Hurrah! (You all know you want to read it…)
*Just as JJ says 'But I don't want to die…!' There is a loud knocking apparently
coming from the stern of this ship.*
JJ: *shrugs* Don't look at me.
Vogon Captain: What's all this then?
Vogon Captain: Well you're certainly a lot of help.
Shut your pie hole, Martian.
JJ: How horrifically out of character a thing for a
Vogon Captain to say…
Vogon Captain: You, Goddess! Quiet!
JJ: Much better.
Vogon Captain: You think so? Yes, I thought that was
a bit better, you see, I- WAIT A MOMENT! Why am I trading pleasantries with you! I'm
supposed to be doing something I just know I am. I just can't remember what, though.
*Loud knocking once more, sounding a bit irritated, if it is indeed at all possible for loud
knocking to sound irritated, which it is, because… well it was. There we are then. At this
point it’s more of a bang, if I remember correctly.*
Firefly: Perhaps you should check on that?
Vogon Captain: Oh right. That knocking.
*yells* Mar-tin! Chan-cy!
*Martin and Chancy run onto the bridge, panting for breath.*
Martin: Y'called, sir?
*bang, boom, breaking of glass*
Chancy: We run all the way, sir.
Martin: Very quick-like.
Vogon Captain: *sighs* That's just
wonderful… But anyway! Can you go see what all that knocking's about then?
Vogon Captain: Gya!
Martin: Ri' on it sir.
*They leave to investigate the banging.*
Vogon Captain: So I guess we wait then.
Firefly: Or you could just torture us and get it over
JJ: *Elbows Firefly in the stomach* Shut
Vogon Captain: Oh, I couldn't do anything yet
anyway. Not with that incessant banging going on…
Vogon Captain: See?
JJ: I do indeed.
*Martin runs back looking quite worried*
Vogon Captain: What is it, Martin?
Martin: It's a Martian warship sir. They're saying
they'll fire if we don't give up their Goddess. And that guy. *points to
Firefly: Oh, I'm 'that guy,' am I?
Martin: *shrugs* I'm just sayin' what they
JJ: He wasn't trying to be mean, Firefly…
Firefly: Oh all right.
Martin: We ought ta give them up, sir.
Vogon Captain: No! They're my prisoners and I will
not give them up!
Martin: Sir, they took Chancy. It's a stalemate, sir.
They won' give him back unless we give them the Martians.
Vogon Captain: I don't like Chancy anyway…!
Martin: Sir…! How could you say tha', sir? He's been
on your crew for fifteen… *counts on his livid green fingers, his mouth moves slightly,
muttering random numbers* Well, may'aps not fifteen, but a blarghy lot, eh?
Vogon Captain: Oh all right, Martin! Go take them to
the ship. *obviously pouting* I don't have any new poetry to read them
Martin: Ri' then. *turns to JJ and Firefly*
Come wi’ me then. *beckons to them, and quickly walks out the door of the
*Firefly and JJ gape for a moment, and then follow Martin*
Firefly: Well I definitely wasn't expecting
JJ: Neither was I. I was bluffing when I said they'd
come for us.
Firefly: I didn't even tell them we were coming, so
by all rights, they shouldn't have known.
JJ: How odd.
*Martin stops at a portal, where JJ and Firefly can see a great red ship, bearing the
Martian symbol of eternal (…) …redness. The Martian flag is flying
on a tiny plastic stick attached to the bow of the ship with a piece of duct tape. Martin
opens a door to a tunnel*
Martin: Go this way, then. *He stands at the
portal and waits for them to go through.*
JJ: Right then…*she
Firefly: *follows, but somewhat reluctantly.*
How can we be certain that this isn't some type of trick?
JJ: Dunno, but so long as it gets us off this ship, I
think it’s just dandy.
Firefly: You make a strong case…
JJ: Of course I do…
*They reach a red door, where two armed Martian guards are standing to let them in. The
one on the left of the door opens the door and ushers them through into the main ship. Fred
(The Supreme Leader of Mars) is waiting there for them, biting on his fingernails, his
antennae twitching with something that might be mild annoyedness, and might be
Fred: *glares at Firefly* If you had told me
you were leaving I would have had an entire armada out to escort you. But you just had to do
things your own way, didn't you? And where is the Almighty Jade?
Firefly: She's right-
Fred: Have you gotten her killed or something? That
would be just like you.
Firefly: Um, no. She's right over-
Fred: And who is this girl you've brought with you?
She surely can't be anyone I know, she definitely isn’t a Martian. Do you have a new
girlfriend or something, Because this just isn't acceptable. Don't you remember that you
were once engaged to the Goddess? I'm sure she wouldn't think highly of any sort of
Firefly: *yells and points at JJ* Fred!
SHE'S RIGHT OVER THERE…!
Fred: *he pauses and looks at JJ* My soul…?
Goddess…! Is that you?
JJ: Um, yes. Hi Fred. *she waves*
Fred: *grabs JJ and squeezes her in a very tight
and stifling hug* We have missed you so! …We didn't think that you were coming
JJ: Well, I have, so... You can let me go now.
Firefly: *Snickers and mutters something that
sounds something like 'Idiot…'*
Fred: Oh, my liege… *He releases her.*
You've just… You look so different. I wasn't sure it was you, you've… *he stares*
Your hair. It's… pink.
JJ: Erm… yes. I've coloured it. *She
self-consciously touches a lock of her hair.*
Fred: *begins to tear up*
JJ: Oh no, Fred, I haven't offended you, have
Fred: Oh no, your Goddesness… It reminds me of the
Martian sky…! You have quite obviously missed us.
JJ: *brightens* Yes, very much.
Fred: *wipes away his tears* Right then.
Well let's go see Tom, and we'll get back to Mars then. *Fred leads them to the
JJ: …Tom…? But I thought he was still on
Fred: Oh of course not. He got his cancer treated
and came right back to Mars. He said he missed it. *glowers at Firefly* He called
ahead, you see. We got him a proper
Firefly: *Looks down at the floor and pretends to
be very interested in the colour of the tile, which is a sickeningly bright green.*
~*~At the bridge~*~
Tom: *his eyes widen as he sees JJ and Firefly
reach the bridge.* JJ…? Is that you?
JJ: *to Firefly* Why is everyone acting so
JJ: They’re freaking me out…
Tom: *runs over to JJ and starts playing with her
JJ: Ow… dude, stop pulling at it, that hurts!
Tom: *stops* Sorry, it's just so… pink. Kind
of like Jessie's. Did you know that she freaked out when we left? She just kind of went
ballistic. She's the goddess now.
JJ: Oh is she…?
Firefly: Wait a moment, you just said that Jessie was
JJ: *visibly miffed* And when did this
Tom: A while after you left she started campaigning,
saying you weren't going to be back, and you were never a good goddess anyway, and she was
JJ: And people bought this?
Tom: Well, if you recall, the Martian populace didn't
think too highly of you after you broke off your engagement with Firefly here.
Firefly: *thoughtfully* There's that,
JJ: *punches Firefly in the arm* You
Firefly: Ow… *rubs his arm* Sorry.
End Chapter II
As an interesting endnote: I ran spell check on this document and it has a
Flesch-Kincaid grade level of 3.3. This makes me laugh. An average paper that I write for
school has an average Flesch-Kincaid level of 11.summatorother or more. Writing these is a
bit fun, because I don't have to pretend that I know what I'm on about, because in truth I
never know where any of this is going, and I'm fairly sure that you lot don't care how
scholarly these sound. ^_^ (This fact definitely makes my life easier…)