Firefly : So how are you

then?
JJ: Great... Well, no, not so

great, really.
Firefly: Why's that?
JJ: Well, we left Mars so

that we could treat Tom's testicular cancer, and that's

done now.
Firefly: What's your

point?
JJ: What do you mean, what's

my point? I miss Mars, you daft .
Firefly: Ah. Well, I'll see

what I can do, okay?
JJ: brightens You mean

you think you can get us a transport?
Firefly: It's a

possibility... mutters a minute possibility, but

yeah...
JJ: What did you say?
Firefly: Nothing dear...

Three days later

Firefly: So JJ, I have good news and I have bad

news.
JJ: Tell me the good news

then, I guess.
Firefly: Well, I found a

transport...
JJ: That's great!... But

what's the bad news?
Firefly: It's on a Vogon

ship.
JJ: WHAT???? WHY DID YOU GET

US PASSAGE ON A VOGON SHIP? THEY'RE GONNA READ POETRY TO

US YOU ING STUPID !!!
Firefly: Calm down, okay? If

we would have waited for anything else it would have been

about four months, and I don't know about you but I don't

want to wait that long.
JJ: calms down

somewhat Well I guess that almost makes up for it. I

wouldn't have wanted to wait for four months. But Vogons?

Honestly Firefly, what were you thinking?
Firefly: I was thinking that

I wanted to go home sooner? Didn't I just say that? I miss

the people JJ. The food,

the... well, the redness. I want to go home now. And I'm

sure you'll want to go back to your Goddessing

duties.
JJ: Am I still even goddess

though, do you think? I haven't worn the gauntlet of

Navbesqerszesquinl for... well, about two years now.
Firefly: It wasn't just the

gauntlet, Ash.
JJ: Are you saying that was

just a symbol, and I'm the real source of power, or

something like that?
Firefly: No, I'm saying that

you're dead sexy and all the Martians on the planet had a

crush on you.
JJ: Oh whatever...
Firefly: I'm serious!
JJ: Suuuuure...
Firefly: No really, I swear.

Ah well, you'll see for yourself soon enough.
JJ: Whatever...
Firefly: Well, we might want

to pack and all that, because they're coming by in about

two hours...
JJ: Whaaat??? Why didn't you

tell me that sooner?
Firefly: sighs Just go

pack, all right?
JJ: Oh all right.

JJ and Firefly go off

to pack and such.

Two hours later, on the Vogon ship

JJ: I can't believe I

deliberately got onto a Vogon ship.
Firefly: Hey, you said you

wanted to go back to Mars.
JJ: Like you didn't.
Firefly: Yeah, well I do, but

we could have waited a bit longer and got onto a different

ship.
JJ: I guess so. But in all

honestly would you have wanted to wait any longer?
Firefly: No, I guess

not.
A voice comes over the intercom.

Vogon 1: Hello hitchhikers.

I know you're in here somewhere.

Vogon 1: I'll find you. And

when I do, I'm going to read some of my poetry to

you.

Before Firefly can answer, the door bursts in and

two Vogon henchmen grab them. They proceed to drag JJ and Firefly down the hall toward

the Bridge

Firefly: About your

question, no, the Government couldn't do anything about

this. It's out of our territory. Fred would say th-
Vogon henchman 1: hefts

JJ over his right

shoulder Did he just say Fred?
Vogon henchmen 2: lifts

Firefly over his left shoulder He did, Martin, he did

indeed.
Vogon henchman 1: Weren't

Fred that guy we met down the pub last Tuesday,

Chancy?
Chancy: It were Thursday,

Martin.
Martin: It dun' matter,

anyway. That guy were all right, he were.
Chancy: If not a little

stinky, mind.
Martin: Yeah, he were pretty

smelly...
JJ: Hey, that's the Supreme

Leader of Mars you're talking about...!
Chancy: Well if you know him

than you know how smelly he is, dun't you?
Martin: You must have smelled

him before, if you're his friend.
JJ: Well I was kinda his

friend, I guess.
Martin: I remember him saying

summat about some lass. What were her name again

Chancy?
Chancy: I think he said her

name were Ash-summat.
Martin: It were JJ, it were. I remember that, 'cos

that's right about when he started throwing up on the

floor it were.
Chancy: I remember now. He

were saying summat about that lass, he said, says he, "I

dun think that that JJ's ever

gonna come back".
Firefly: But that's her!

Points at JJ That's

JJ!
Chancy: Oh, well I'll be,

Martin. She's the Goddess of

Mars then, en't she?
Martin: Well I'll be. I think

she may be, Chancy.
JJ: Oh that's great...!
Firefly: So could you, oh I

dunno, let us go, or something?
Chancy: Nope, I couldn't do

that, Sir.
Firefly: Why not?
Martin: On account of us

having to take you to see the Captain.
JJ: Couldn't you just... not

take us to see your captain?
Chancy: No Miss, we couldn't.

On account of us only being trained to follow orders, and

not deviate from them.
Firefly: But that makes no

sense! You understand the concept of ignoring your orders,

and yet you can't do it?
Martin: No Sir, haven't had

the training, you see.
JJ: That's just plain

idiocy.
Chancy:

Enthusiastically Oh, we know all about being

idiots, Miss.
Martin: Yeah, they trained us

special.

Before anyone can say anything else, they reach the

Bridge and enter via the large automatic metal doors. Once

inside, Chancy and Martin

place Firefly and JJ gently

on the floor.

Vogon Captain: Thank you Chancy, thank you Martin, you may go.
Martin and Chancy: Captain.

They salute and leave.
Vogon Captain: So! Hitching a ride on my ship, were

you?
Firefly: It would seem that

way, yes.
Vogon Captain: Don't get smart with me, you ruffian. Now! Where

are you two heading, hmm? Where are you heading on my

ship, hmm?
JJ: We'll never tell

you!
Vogon Captain: Oh, well I'm sure I already know. This ship

is only taking one stop, and that stop is to drop off

cargo at Mars station in the capital city. Dramatic

pause Of Mars. Are you Martians, then? You don't look

much like Martians. You haven't any antennae, first

off.
Firefly: Oh, I have antennas.

Firefly ruffles his hair a bit and his antennas flip

out, quivering slightly.JJ doesn't though.
JJ: elbows Firefly in the

stomach
Firefly: Ow!...
JJ: whispers Shut

up.
Vogon Captain: Sooo, one of you is a Martian, and one of

you... raises an eyebrow at JJ... is not. And she won't

tell us where she's from, will she?
JJ: Why should I?
Vogon Captain: Isn't that just intriguing?
Firefly: I wouldn't think

that it was interesting at all, myself. She's nobody of

consequence.
JJ: tsk

Firefly...!
Vogon Captain: Is that so? Well I must say that we just

don't seem to agree. He holds up JJ's gauntlet
JJ: gasps Where did

you get that?
Vogon Captain: It's only a reproduction, actually. I just

wanted to make sure you were who I thought you were, Miss

Goddess! Maniacal laughter.
Firefly: Well now you know

who she is. What are you gonna do to us?
Vogon Captain: I'm going to launch you out into space, of

course. I can't have hitchhikers hanging about on my ship.

Even if they are Goddesses... and whatever you are.

Makes a gesture toward Firefly meaning something to the

effect of 'You're not of any importance, you worthless

Martian slime you.'
JJ: But... but, I can't

die... I'm the Goddess of Mars! The Martian government

would be all over you in a second for doing something like

that, you know!
Vogon Captain: My dear, do you honestly think I care?
Firefly: He doesn't, JJ.
JJ: But I don't want to

die!

Tom Green Chronicles Mark II Archive

Jedi Jade

05.12.02 Front Page

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