World War 3 - A cautionary tale in One Act
Created | Updated Jun 30, 2005
World War 3
A cautionary tale in one Act
Della the Cat Woman (with Jimmy Nugget.)
Scene: A hospital staffed by Artificial life forms, following World War 3, which began when the US invaded Iraq on December 16th 2002.
Interior, day.
Dramatis Personae.
Jimmy Nugget, a 15-year-old boy, with long hair and Marxist leanings.
Della the Cat Woman.
Empty Sky, an enigmatic man with a taste for the surreal.
Starbirth, an American Patriot
Zagreb, a young Scots conservative.
Lentilla, an American IT Guru
Apparition, a young NZ IT Guru
Neugen Amoeba, an Australian, with a knack for finding sources.
Blues Shark, who is also a dab hand at posting links.
All are seated in comfortable chairs in the hospital day room; outside, the sky is turbulent and the remains of a city lie all around.
Della (to Starbirth): Now here's another fine mess you've got us into!
Starbirth: Who, me? You're always blaming Americans, when we are just trying to defend our country!
Jimmy: Well, it is your fault, because you wanted that war, and you got what you deserved; p a i n!
Zagreb: Och, Jimmy laddie, that's nae fair. Saddam had to be taken oot, and we were all aye agreed aboot that.
Jimmy: Tell me, when did Saddam ever indicate that he was a threat to anybody, you kilted ignoramus, you...
Empty Sky: Now Jimmy, while we all know you're correct, it's not wise to be intemperate.
Neugen: Yes, as shown in a link to BBC News of 28th October, governments always point to the misdeeds of their enemy and(http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/Americas/2284123.stm)
Blues: As the Grauniad of 15th November showed;
Zagreb: (to Della) Och, I suppose ye're ginna cite yon John Pilger, who as we all know <winkeye> has a hidden agenda.
Jimmy: Of course he has an agenda! It's called getting the truth out!
Zagreb: As ye all are aware, the truth has nae bigger advocate than me, but I advise ye all, be aware of the sources of truth ye preach!
Jimmy: Och, shut up, you kilted windbag!
Empty Sky: Jimmy please. The turtle of eloquence deposits its eggs of rhetoric where it will, and the cultural dress of a speaker reflects only his commitment to the ways of his brood, or clan, as it were.
Della: Or her clan.
All: Quite.
Lentilla: On Star Trek the Next Generation, Picard quite clearly valued cultural appropriateness, but not at the expense of national security or sovereignty.
Della: The concept of the nation state was clearly not a factor in Gene's original vision. That's why EFC was not true to his design.
Neugen: Ahem. On topic, please.
An AI medical droid enters the day room, carrying a tray.
AI: It has come to our attention that blood pressures and voices are rising in this room, and I have been sent to provide medication and sustenance.
Jimmy: There's another thing! The sanctions on Iraq caused the deaths of 500,000 Iraqis, most of them children, and they had no access to medication, food or clean water.
Zagreb: These figures were suspect, laddie and it is well known that Saddam had concealed tonnes of food in secret warehouses.
Apparition: You well know that the United Nations, right up to Kofi Annan, had refuted this. George Sommerwill, the UN Spokesman on Iraq said;not one of the UN's observation mechanisms has reported any major problem in humanitarian supplies being diverted, switched or in any way misused.
Starbirth: I miss food, proper food. I miss our Great Nation. I miss Dubya! (He begins tearing up.)
Apparition: Starbirth, once more, you refuse to answer the point I made.
Jimmy: I miss pickled bananas.
Neugen: I hate to be picky, but off topic, again, people.
AI: I detect that while blood pressures are down, nutrients are still required.
Jimmy: Not by the Americans, they get nothing! Who'll stand with me?
(As he rushes to form a barrier between the AI and the Americans.)
Della: One person can't form a barrier.
Jimmy: Don't be bloodless and literal.
Empty Sky: The literal spilling of blood signifies the vacuous futility of man's endeavours to find peace in a world where ecclesiastical bankruptcies flourish.
Jimmy: (to AI) Can you get me pickled bananas? Can you replicate a P90? Oh, and a dozen spare ammo clips?
Della: I'm afraid I have to stand with Empty Sky here, Jimmy, the practice of violence is futile, guns lead to bombs and the war is on!
Zagreb: But in the defence of freedom against a mad tyrant...
Jimmy: Such as Dubya!
Starbirth: Why, you young pup! If you'd seen what I saw, growing up on military bases around the world where Americans defended the freedom of the world against whatever tyrant..
Apparition: Was flavour of the month with Reagan, Bush or er, Bush..
Zagreb: Now laddies, ye well ken that I dinna think war is an answer, unless yon Presidents did deem it in the interests of the world.
Jimmy: Now, Jamie, ye well ken that the Americans didn't give a monkeys for humanity.
Lentilla: We Americans are individuals.
Della: Exactly! Which is why EFC..(she looks at everyone and says softly) Er, I'll get my coat.
AI: I am sorry, I cannot permit egress from this facility, as your planet has been rendered uninhabitable for some time to come.
Zagreb: Och, the Americans made these lifeforms too literal.
Jimmy: Dunderhead! How dare you assume they're American?
Starbirth: How dare you assume they're not?
Apparition and Lentilla: If they use ASCII code, and an 8 gig RAM buffers their directory, then..
AI: What has caused you assume we are Terran in origin?
Jimmy: I told you they weren't American!
A scuffle is heard at the door, and Two Bit bursts in, waving an M16.
Two-Bit: Don't worry everyone, I've got its beady little LEDs in my sights. It won't get away.
Della: My, where did you spring from?
Starbirth: If Apparition and his Mom, Della has spent more time familiarising themselves with American culture, instead of denying our greatness, they would know that in the 'Delta Force' movies, Michael Dudikoff always came to the rescue.
(Jimmy has picked up his copy of 'Das Kapital' and is ignoring them,)
Two-Bit: I said stand back everybody, I've got everything under control!
He sinks to the floor, as a second AI removes a syringe from his ample butt.
Apparition: That takes care of the gun lobby!
Della: No one knows more about popular culture than I do, except maybe Lentilla. Empty Sky, do you know anything about this?
Empty: Er, the AIs don't seem to be with the forces of Oblov Mov, so I can't say that the Beard of Knowledge has vouchsafed any of its ampleness to my chin, or indeed to my enigmatic brain.
Zagreb: Och, we're doomed! If the Pentagon were only..
Blues: Not a smoking hole in the ground I think you mean to say.
Starbirth: I think we need to mount a resistance against these soulless robots in our midst.
Two-BitLgroaning from the floor.) I'll lead it, I have law enforcement experience.
Empty Sky: So, the next cycle of time begins.
Jimmy: (looks up from his book) I will lead the resistance! Did no one notice that because this book is as interesting as a telephone directory, I left it, and now have all the guns in the room?
Two-Bit: (attempting to rush at Jimmy, he slips on all the shell casings on the floor, because Jimmy has fired the gun at the wall.) You fool! Now we're defenceless!
Della: The point being, they have not harmed us.
Starbirth: (darkly) Yet!
Della: "By their fruit shall ye know them". They have provided medical care and offered food for us.
Lentilla: But we must be careful to maintain our sovereignty.
Starbirth: And our freedom to act.
Jimmy: Where is that food you mentioned?
AI: It is carefully calculated to provide all nutrients necessary for your task.
All: Which is?
AI: Cleaning up the mess you made. You spoiled this planet, and no, you may not have a new one. Tomorrow, you will begin.
Della: I would point out that some of us were opposed to this war. Why should we be punished?
AI: Do not start with the "he started it, no she did" your species always excuses itself with. We have a great number of humans and gametes set by against this day, to replenish the population. You shall be their teachers. We will supervise. (It turns to Jimmy.) Hand it over, hatchling.
Jimmy: Oi, I don't know what you fink I am hiding..
AI: You are very transparent. No, really, my sensors can see right through you. Give.
Jimmy hands over the arsenal he took from Two-Bit. The AI takes the weapons and leaves the room. As it reaches the door, it turns and says:
Dinner will be at 20.00 hrs GMT. Good night, all.
Della: Didn't I say, this is another fine mess you've got us into!
As the view recedes, the sound of quarrelling is heard into the night.
A cautionary tale in one Act
Della the Cat Woman (with Jimmy Nugget.)
Scene: A hospital staffed by Artificial life forms, following World War 3, which began when the US invaded Iraq on December 16th 2002.
Interior, day.
Dramatis Personae.
Jimmy Nugget, a 15-year-old boy, with long hair and Marxist leanings.
Della the Cat Woman.
Empty Sky, an enigmatic man with a taste for the surreal.
Starbirth, an American Patriot
Zagreb, a young Scots conservative.
Lentilla, an American IT Guru
Apparition, a young NZ IT Guru
Neugen Amoeba, an Australian, with a knack for finding sources.
Blues Shark, who is also a dab hand at posting links.
All are seated in comfortable chairs in the hospital day room; outside, the sky is turbulent and the remains of a city lie all around.
Della (to Starbirth): Now here's another fine mess you've got us into!
Starbirth: Who, me? You're always blaming Americans, when we are just trying to defend our country!
Jimmy: Well, it is your fault, because you wanted that war, and you got what you deserved; p a i n!
Zagreb: Och, Jimmy laddie, that's nae fair. Saddam had to be taken oot, and we were all aye agreed aboot that.
Jimmy: Tell me, when did Saddam ever indicate that he was a threat to anybody, you kilted ignoramus, you...
Empty Sky: Now Jimmy, while we all know you're correct, it's not wise to be intemperate.
Neugen: Yes, as shown in a link to BBC News of 28th October, governments always point to the misdeeds of their enemy and(http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/Americas/2284123.stm)
Blues: As the Grauniad of 15th November showed;
Zagreb: (to Della) Och, I suppose ye're ginna cite yon John Pilger, who as we all know <winkeye> has a hidden agenda.
Jimmy: Of course he has an agenda! It's called getting the truth out!
Zagreb: As ye all are aware, the truth has nae bigger advocate than me, but I advise ye all, be aware of the sources of truth ye preach!
Jimmy: Och, shut up, you kilted windbag!
Empty Sky: Jimmy please. The turtle of eloquence deposits its eggs of rhetoric where it will, and the cultural dress of a speaker reflects only his commitment to the ways of his brood, or clan, as it were.
Della: Or her clan.
All: Quite.
Lentilla: On Star Trek the Next Generation, Picard quite clearly valued cultural appropriateness, but not at the expense of national security or sovereignty.
Della: The concept of the nation state was clearly not a factor in Gene's original vision. That's why EFC was not true to his design.
Neugen: Ahem. On topic, please.
An AI medical droid enters the day room, carrying a tray.
AI: It has come to our attention that blood pressures and voices are rising in this room, and I have been sent to provide medication and sustenance.
Jimmy: There's another thing! The sanctions on Iraq caused the deaths of 500,000 Iraqis, most of them children, and they had no access to medication, food or clean water.
Zagreb: These figures were suspect, laddie and it is well known that Saddam had concealed tonnes of food in secret warehouses.
Apparition: You well know that the United Nations, right up to Kofi Annan, had refuted this. George Sommerwill, the UN Spokesman on Iraq said;not one of the UN's observation mechanisms has reported any major problem in humanitarian supplies being diverted, switched or in any way misused.
Starbirth: I miss food, proper food. I miss our Great Nation. I miss Dubya! (He begins tearing up.)
Apparition: Starbirth, once more, you refuse to answer the point I made.
Jimmy: I miss pickled bananas.
Neugen: I hate to be picky, but off topic, again, people.
AI: I detect that while blood pressures are down, nutrients are still required.
Jimmy: Not by the Americans, they get nothing! Who'll stand with me?
(As he rushes to form a barrier between the AI and the Americans.)
Della: One person can't form a barrier.
Jimmy: Don't be bloodless and literal.
Empty Sky: The literal spilling of blood signifies the vacuous futility of man's endeavours to find peace in a world where ecclesiastical bankruptcies flourish.
Jimmy: (to AI) Can you get me pickled bananas? Can you replicate a P90? Oh, and a dozen spare ammo clips?
Della: I'm afraid I have to stand with Empty Sky here, Jimmy, the practice of violence is futile, guns lead to bombs and the war is on!
Zagreb: But in the defence of freedom against a mad tyrant...
Jimmy: Such as Dubya!
Starbirth: Why, you young pup! If you'd seen what I saw, growing up on military bases around the world where Americans defended the freedom of the world against whatever tyrant..
Apparition: Was flavour of the month with Reagan, Bush or er, Bush..
Zagreb: Now laddies, ye well ken that I dinna think war is an answer, unless yon Presidents did deem it in the interests of the world.
Jimmy: Now, Jamie, ye well ken that the Americans didn't give a monkeys for humanity.
Lentilla: We Americans are individuals.
Della: Exactly! Which is why EFC..(she looks at everyone and says softly) Er, I'll get my coat.
AI: I am sorry, I cannot permit egress from this facility, as your planet has been rendered uninhabitable for some time to come.
Zagreb: Och, the Americans made these lifeforms too literal.
Jimmy: Dunderhead! How dare you assume they're American?
Starbirth: How dare you assume they're not?
Apparition and Lentilla: If they use ASCII code, and an 8 gig RAM buffers their directory, then..
AI: What has caused you assume we are Terran in origin?
Jimmy: I told you they weren't American!
A scuffle is heard at the door, and Two Bit bursts in, waving an M16.
Two-Bit: Don't worry everyone, I've got its beady little LEDs in my sights. It won't get away.
Della: My, where did you spring from?
Starbirth: If Apparition and his Mom, Della has spent more time familiarising themselves with American culture, instead of denying our greatness, they would know that in the 'Delta Force' movies, Michael Dudikoff always came to the rescue.
(Jimmy has picked up his copy of 'Das Kapital' and is ignoring them,)
Two-Bit: I said stand back everybody, I've got everything under control!
He sinks to the floor, as a second AI removes a syringe from his ample butt.
Apparition: That takes care of the gun lobby!
Della: No one knows more about popular culture than I do, except maybe Lentilla. Empty Sky, do you know anything about this?
Empty: Er, the AIs don't seem to be with the forces of Oblov Mov, so I can't say that the Beard of Knowledge has vouchsafed any of its ampleness to my chin, or indeed to my enigmatic brain.
Zagreb: Och, we're doomed! If the Pentagon were only..
Blues: Not a smoking hole in the ground I think you mean to say.
Starbirth: I think we need to mount a resistance against these soulless robots in our midst.
Two-BitLgroaning from the floor.) I'll lead it, I have law enforcement experience.
Empty Sky: So, the next cycle of time begins.
Jimmy: (looks up from his book) I will lead the resistance! Did no one notice that because this book is as interesting as a telephone directory, I left it, and now have all the guns in the room?
Two-Bit: (attempting to rush at Jimmy, he slips on all the shell casings on the floor, because Jimmy has fired the gun at the wall.) You fool! Now we're defenceless!
Della: The point being, they have not harmed us.
Starbirth: (darkly) Yet!
Della: "By their fruit shall ye know them". They have provided medical care and offered food for us.
Lentilla: But we must be careful to maintain our sovereignty.
Starbirth: And our freedom to act.
Jimmy: Where is that food you mentioned?
AI: It is carefully calculated to provide all nutrients necessary for your task.
All: Which is?
AI: Cleaning up the mess you made. You spoiled this planet, and no, you may not have a new one. Tomorrow, you will begin.
Della: I would point out that some of us were opposed to this war. Why should we be punished?
AI: Do not start with the "he started it, no she did" your species always excuses itself with. We have a great number of humans and gametes set by against this day, to replenish the population. You shall be their teachers. We will supervise. (It turns to Jimmy.) Hand it over, hatchling.
Jimmy: Oi, I don't know what you fink I am hiding..
AI: You are very transparent. No, really, my sensors can see right through you. Give.
Jimmy hands over the arsenal he took from Two-Bit. The AI takes the weapons and leaves the room. As it reaches the door, it turns and says:
Dinner will be at 20.00 hrs GMT. Good night, all.
Della: Didn't I say, this is another fine mess you've got us into!
As the view recedes, the sound of quarrelling is heard into the night.
