A Star is Corn(ish)
1. A Tour Bus, en route to Cornwall, 2011. Possibly a Thursday.
JIM (James Purefoy) and his fellow singing Cornish fishermen are heading home at the end of a gruelling tour.
JIM: 'Morning lads. Here we all are again. Seeing as how the last film did so well, they've got us all back to do a follow-up.'
LEADVILLE TREBILCOCK (Dave Johns): 'What, all of us, Jim?'
JIM: 'Well, not quite all of us, Leadville (your name is completely ridiculous, by the way), as some of the younger actors from last time round either didn't want to come back or wanted too much money. So their characters have gone off to Australia for a holiday which will conveniently last for the entire movie.'
JIM'S GHOSTLY DAD: 'However, I will be appearing in this film, despite my death being a major plot point in the last one. I am proud to say I was both willing and cheap.'
JIM: 'I'm quite sad about my dead dad, which could well turn out to be a plot point.'
LEADVILLE: 'I have just outraged a metropolitan female journalist with my rough-hewn but authentic Cornish humour, which may also have some story potential. Let's see how it turns out.'
SINGING CORNISH FISHERMEN: 'We've made this film with care and skill / though there is a possibility / That you'll notice problems that we had / with cast availability.'
2. Record Company Offices, London, which is just as horrible as in the first one, though I bet the producers still love living there.
The president and various other executives sit around smugly.
PRESIDENT: 'Well, here we all are, doing our best to represent the metropolitan shallowness and insincerity which is the opposite of what those singing fishermen embody, just like last time.'
RECORD EXECUTIVE: 'Weren't you Noel Clarke last time around?'
There is a lengthy and awkward silence.
PRESIDENT: 'Anyway. This film needs some conflict so I am going to decide that the singing fishermen are a bit of a liability due to their rough-around-the-edges authenticity and homespun charm.'
RECORD EXECUTIVE: 'Won't that just turn us into ridiculous stereotypes of mirthless politically correct killjoys out of touch with so-called normal people?'
PRESIDENT: 'Yes, but it's in the script.'
3. A house in Cornwall.
LEADVILLE: 'Well, I've just been to the toilet during a conference call with hilarious results, not the least of which is that we've all had to do media training with an absurd straw-man caricature of a soulless feminist.'
JIM: 'You've got a funny idea of what's hilarious, Leadville. Thank God, however, the film seems to have abandoned the idea of being some kind of culture-war vehicle for an assault on political correctness and wokedom and whatever else the right-wing media will like to keep banging on about in the distant year of 2022.'
LEADVILLE: 'So what is it going to be about this time?'
JIM: 'Well, I've got a mysterious Irishwoman staying in my B&B who clearly has a bit of a past.'
YOUNG FISHERMAN: 'I've been slung out by my partner over a misunderstanding about something that happened on the tour.'
LEADVILLE: 'We need to find a replacement for your dead dad in the band, and it looks likely to be a Welsh farmer whom you will hate for political reasons the script will avoid going into.'
JIM: 'I'm still clearly grieving for my dead dad and drinking too much because of it.'
LEADVILLE: 'It's a bit all over the place this time around, isn't it? It almost makes you wish for a trite and hackneyed tale of a metropolitan visitor discovering about The Important Things in Life.'
JIM: 'What did you say? There's a lot of stuff in this film I'm struggling to find rhymes for.'
SINGING FISHERMEN: 'A film without much focus / Will now occur before your eyes. / With Cornish farmers getting stick / Because their trade is subsidised.'
JIM: 'Also Welsh farmers who happen to live in Cornwall, of course.'
4. Another house in Cornwall.
JIM is talking to AUBREY (Imelda May), the mysterious Irishwoman.
JIM: '... and so now the film has turned out to be about me having a sort of personal crisis, hitting the bottle, falling out with the band, and neglecting my grand-daughter. If only there was someone around here who could teach me about the pitfalls of fame.'
AUBREY: 'Well, as it happens, I am actually a reclusive ex-rock star who has been there and done that and has lots of quiet wisdom to share. Also I am young enough to be attractive but old enough for the two of us to get it on and it not to seem icky or inappropriate.'
JIM: 'Oh. Shall we get it on, then?'
AUBREY: 'May as well.'
SINGING FISHERMEN (over scenic shots of Cornish coastline): 'Now with her help our good friend Jim will climb back on the wagon / Just as soon as the pair of them are finished with their sha... ring of their emotional baggage.'
5. Yet another house in Cornwall.
JIM'S MUM (Maggie Steed): 'All this emotional growth and late-life romance is all very well but it's not helping us find a climax for the movie.'
LEADVILLE: 'I think there was an implied climax in the last scene.'
WELSH FARMER: 'Well, the band's been dropped by the label due to Jim's wild behaviour, will that help?'
JIM'S MUM: 'Perhaps, if it turns out we can only persuade them to re-sign us by finding a way to play at Glastonbury.'
YOUNG FISHERMAN: 'And maybe you and Jim's grand-daughter can have a moment of personal jeopardy which brings everyone together and reminds Jim of what The Important Things in Life are.'
JIM'S MUM: 'I'm game.'
WELSH FARMER: 'And how about a trip down to London to sing for the record company executives on an almost wholly spurious pretext?'
LEADVILLE: 'Sounds like pretty desperate padding to me, but if it's all we've got...'
SINGING FISHERMEN: 'We've got a pretty dodgy script / It's hardly writ' by Schiller / There really would be nothing left / If you took out all the filler.'
6. Glastonbury festival 2011, though nobody famous is ever visible.
JIM: 'Well, here we are at the end of the film at last, about to perform at Glastonbury.'
LEADVILLE: 'How come the film implies we're performing in the afternoon, when actually we were the first band on in the morning?'
JIM: 'Oh, I've given up worrying about this script, I get the impression the writers did too.'
YOUNG FISHERMAN: 'So what moral premise and lesson has this film been attempting to impart? Something about the importance of authenticity and old-fashioned values in an over-sophisticated and over-sensitive world dominated by snowflakes?'
JIM: 'No, thank God, though it seemed like a near thing for a bit.'
WELSH FARMER: 'Something about the plight of the Cornish economy, particularly the fishing industry?'
JIM: 'Bit too political.'
YOUNG FISHERMAN: 'Well, how about that you felt really sad when your dad died and struggled to cope, but thanks to your friends and family you eventually got through it?'
JIM: 'I suppose that'll have to do.'
LEADVILLE: 'Pretty slim basis for a movie, though.'
ALL PRESENT: 'Arrr.'
SINGING FISHERMEN: 'The last film did extremely well, so they've gone and made a sequel / The main thing that we have to tell? Its quality is faecal!'
Fisherman's Friends - One and All (dir. Nick Moorcroft and Meg Leonard) is, at the time of writing, still taking up perfectly good screens in cinemas all over the UK. Don't go near it, you'll only encourage them.