Mr.President, Nebraska is missing, episodes 16-26
Created | Updated Feb 19, 2024
Mister President, Nebraska is missing, episode 16
Weasel glanced at the clock and frowned. "We really should start solving the Nebrask crisis. President Woodhed will be expecting an update from Irving at 3:00 this afternoon, and then at 6:00 p.m. the HTTP tribe will be telling Woodhed how much it will cost to get Nebraska back. Spot and Irving, it is time for you to visit Nebraska in Dimension 666. Anything you can find out while you're there will help a lot."
"Weasel, I thought you said your machines are capable of screening other universes and dimensions," Sprilznick said.
"Your point is...?"
"Before we go into enemy territory, shoudn't you view as much of it as possible with you computer, so we know where best to focus our attention?"
"The other side might have machines that can spot our signal. I'd like to beam you there as quickly as possible, then beam you back here when you're done, so they don't have time to figure out where you came from," Weasel explained.
"Eventually we'll be able to cloak our signals so we can scan other universes undetected," Spot said. "We aren't at that stage yet, but by next Spring we will be. Who knew we'd need this capability this soon? In any event we can't wait until then. The other side isn't going to give us six more months to plan our response."
Spot trotted down the hall to Weasel's computer room while Sprilznick was putting on his jacket. He noticed that a vine from the florgar room was growing along the wall, but thought nothing of it. Those florgars were interesting creatures! Maybe when he had the money, he could do research on them. They'd be perfect for spying on the enemy, though they'd need to be trained not to be too feisty.
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Mister President, Nebraska is missing, episode 17
Weasel's computer was capable of beaming any sort of lifeform or object to any universe or dimension that he had coordinates for. There were two alternate ways of sending: 1. If it didn't matter what form the lifeform or object was to take in the destination universe, sending was a simple matter of getting the lifeform or object within four feet of the computer, dialing the desired coordinates, and then pressing "enter", or 2. If the object or lifeform was to retain its present form in the destination universe, it needed to be placed on a designated platform in the corner of the room, after which the coordinates were dialed and the "enter" button was pushed.
Spot and Sprilznick got onto the platform and were promptly beamed to Nebraska/Alt. Univ. 521/Dimension 666. Spriliznick's only request was that Weasel send him and Spot to the banks of the Platte River. Weasel would find out later that Sprilznick had a shotgun hidden under his jacket, and an ulterior motive for going to the river. As it was, Weasel was too preoccupied with saving the universe to suspect Sprilznick of anything.
Weasel hurried down the hall to the parlor, which was still set up for the previous day's meeting. The kazoongaball game was still on the screen of the Interdimensional Internet computer in the corner of the room. Spot had promised to analyze the sound waves of Hard Drive's voice and run them though a multi-universe file of known felons, but this task had been given to Sprilznick when Spot was chosen for the Burger Download mission.
With both Spot and Sprilznick gone, it was now Weasel's responsibility to do this task. She started work without any hope of a quick solution, but was surprised to find the answer to her query after just ten minutes. An even greater surprise was the answer itself. Hard Drive's voice did not directly match any lifeforms in the database, but it strongly resembled the recorded voice in an answering machine in Amherst, Massachusetts. Weasel wrote down the phone number, but was stumped when she tried to find out who it belonged to. Then she remembered there was a reverse directory in the other computer down the hall from the solarium.
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Mister President, Nebraska is missing, episode 18
Weasel walked over to the other computer and tried to bring up the telephone lookup software from Alternative Universe #521. All she got was a busy signal from the computer. That's odd, Weasel thought, I'm the only one in the apartment that has ever used this computer. For a moment she got the panicky feeling that Sprilznick and/or the android had been making unauthorized use of the machine, but this attack of anxiety ran its course quickly. Sprilznick was too lazy for such things, preferring to think of computers in terms of the games he could play on them. Besides, he had a huge IT department at his headquarters, staffed by people who could and usually did run any searches he wanted. He probably had equipment more advanced than what Weasel had. Weasel doubted that Sprilznick had an inkling of the depth of Weasel's databases, and it was best for everyone in the universe if this stayed the way it was. Besides, Kazoongabal had kept Sprilznick busy all morning at the other computer. If Sprilnick had even checked this computer, its lack of Kazoongaball software would have led him to dismiss it. Then Weasel's glance fell on the florgar vine that was growing along the wall. Why was there a pencil tangled in its tendrils?
Suddenly it all made sense! For some unfathomable reason, one of the florgars had tried to use Weasel's computer. Was it looking for dating software perhaps? Weasel made a mental note to try to acquire a couple of male florgars to keep them from being lonely. Whether intentionally or not, the part of the vine that was closest to the computer had beamed itself to another universe or dimension (or both). Weasel verified that the destination chosen had been Nebraska in Universe #521, Dimension 666. And the connection with those coordinates was still engaged.
Weasel took a pair of scissors from her desk drawer and snipped the vine in two. The florgar quickly retracted the unsevered part of its vine, pulling it back down the hall to the solarium. Weasel closed the connection to Nebraska, and was surprised to see Sprilznick and Spot materialize immediately on the platform in the corner. Sprilnick was clutching two dead ducks in his hand, and Spot was rubbing his forehead, where a nasty red bump was rising.
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Mister President, Nebraska is missing, episode 19
"So!" Weasel scolded. "That's why you wanted to be beamed to the banks of the Platte River! A little duck hunting, as if the universe weren't threatened with disaster."
"Don't worry, there's no way I would go back there again," Spot said rubbing the bump on his forehead. "The duks in that dimension fight back. One of them spat a stone at me."
The android wandered into the room at this point. "Yes, that is a big bump," he agreed. "Emily was responsible for that."
"Emily? Who's Emily?" everyone else exclaimed.
"She's one of your florgars. She beamed herself to that awful dimension 666 fifteen or twenty minutes ago, and someone turned her into a duck when she arrived. The worst part was when Spot and Irving shot some of the ducks in her flock."
"Well, I remember it differently," Spot said. "In my recollection she attacked me. I wasn't the one carrying the gun anyway. But I'd like to know how you know so much? Did you get turned into one of the ducks?"
"She just finished telling me," the android said. "You do know I understand florgarese."
"Congratulations," Weasel said, "but now there's work to do. Irving, you've got to do something about the ducks in your hand. They won't fit in my refrigerator, and anyway Emily would strangle you with her tendrils if she saw you carrying them around. Spot, I haven't seen Professor Neinstein since he got back from Burger Download. If he's napping in the laundry room, he'll rumple his good suit. Please find him, wake him, and bring him to me: there's a chance he can help identify a certain student in Amherst, Massachusetts. Android, please mollify Emily. We may well need her again."
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Mister President, episode 20
Spot fetched the professor, and then accompanied Sprilznick to Nostradmus' universe, where it was rumored that duck was everyone's favorite meat. Weasel lost no time connecting to a reverse telephone directory. He found the number, and the directory gave the owner's name: Elwood "Woody" Woodhed, the President's oldest son.
"Woody!" exclaimed Professor Neinstein. "I visited him on the way back from that dinner party you gave a while back. Let's see, that was early September."
"Think hard, Professor," Weasel urged. "Did you drop any hints about our work with universe-hopping while you were there?"
"Of course not!" the Professor said indignantly. "It's foolish to talk about computer secrets around him, as he is a first-rate hacker. I'd have been crazy to let him have any of our secrets."
Weasel nodded, thinking about the many times when the professor had acted crazy. It was best to humor him. "That leaves another possibility. Excuse me for a minute." She went to the solarium to consult with the android, who huddled with the florgars. Five minutes later she reported back to the professor. "The android says that Emily is our culprit. She followed you and the android to my computer, remembered the coordinates for your destination, and then went there herself later on. Worse, she got herself turned into a computer when she got to Woody's room."
"A computer!" Professor Neinstein exclaimed, shaking with alarm. "I hope it wasn't one of our state of the art computers."
"There's no way to know for sure," Weasel said, "but look at the outcome. Woody knows now how to shift the whole state of Nebraska between dimensions as easily as counting to five."
The Professor relaxed when he heard this. "That's not really very advanced. "Trading equal-sized objects, even big ones, does not take much sophistication, though I have to commend him for his smooth execution. Do we know for sure that the boy is guilty of this? He could still be innocent, you know."
"What we need is a good spy," said Weasel, heading to the solarium for another chat with Emily through the android. Five minutes later she was back. "Okay, it's all set. Emily won't give us any more help. I think she's sulking, but Sylvie is willing to be beamed to Woody's room as our spy. She's also willing to deliver messages to President Woodhed."
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Mister President, Nebraska is missing, episode 21
The ambassador from Rethgromiston had dark, kinky hair, huge sweaty hands, and a speaking voice of unnaturally limited range. President Woodhed had never really enjoyed shaking his hand or listening to his speeches, but today Woodhed listened to him drone on and on about rutabaga trade quotas as if this was the most fascinating subject in the history of the world
"I'm worried abut you," Wilhelmina whispered in her husband's ear as the speech reached its one-hour mark with no apparent end in sight. "You're listening to him because it beats thinking about getting Nebraska back. I get it, but the rest of us are screaming inside our heads, and you are the only one with the power to make him stop. For heaven's sake, let him sell as many rutabagas here as he wishes. Invite him to a state dinner where rutabagas will be in each of the seven courses that are served."
Woodhed smiled. Wilhelmina was devilishly amusing when she wanted to be, and this was a great comfort in this time of turmoil.
"You know, that's a really good point" he whispered in turn, taking her hand in his and squeezing it affectionately. "And, yes, I do wish I could get my mind off the Nebraska siatuation, but I'm more worried about not having heard from Sprilznick yet. Six o'clock is less than two hours away, and I still don't have a counterproposal to offer to those bleeping Indians."
Just then, to everyone's surprise, the ambassador announced that his speech was finished. Woodhed pumped the man's clammy hands with great enthusiasm, and walked to the podium for his own speech. Someone had apparently left a pot of petunias on a lower shelf of the podium. Woodhed didn't give them any heed at first, but five minutes into his speech he imagined that the pot had moved, and was now pressing against his lower abdomen. He put his hand down to push the pot away, and felt something being pressed between his fingers. It felt like a note. A note! Oh joy, oh, joy!
Woodhed gave a broad smile, which perplexed most of his audience, because at the moment he happened to be talking about toxic waste sites that needed capping. He noticed that some of the opposition leaders in Congress were shaking their heads, which could only mean that they would soon be going on social media to announce that he was losing it, and should withdraw his candidacy for reelection. If the note was as important as he expected, they would get blown away within the next twenty-four hours. He'd show them that he was not losing it! What had been planned as a thirty minute speech ended up being delivered in eighteen minutes. He made no gaffes and never once looked at the teleprompter. There was a stunned silence in the room as he finished. Suddenly the congresional leaders of his own part stood up and started clapping. Who knew that capping toxic waste sites enjoyed such broad bipartisan support? Soon everyone was standing and clapping. Maybe this would be remembered as the turning point in this crisis, and he would be celebrating with champagne and caviar on election night!
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Mister President, Nebraska is missing, episode 22
As he backed away from the podium, President Woodhed checked to see where the pot of petunias had gone, and was surprised to see that it had vanished. Never mind, he thought, it had done its job. He opened the note and was overjoyed to read that Sprilznick's agents had selected a prime suspect in Nebraska's disappearance. Hot dog! His joy vanished abruptly, however, when he saw Sprilznick's next piece of news: "We are investigating the possibility that Hard Drive is your son Elwood. We have him under surveillance, and have learned that he plans to give up Nebraska if the U.S. agrees to give him one of the Hawaiian Islands. The exact island is negotiable, though we learned that he would prefer Molokai or Lanai. Fewer residents live there, so he won't be as likely to blow his cover."
"Sounds plausible," Wilhelmina said after Woodhed showed her the note. "He always did like surfing more than studying. But if he's capable of snatching Nebraska out from under our noses, he can take Hawaii as well if we try to get him to settle for a different plan. Why didn't he take Hawaii instead of Nebraska? It would have saved us all a lot of grief."
"He's just like his Uncle Elmo," Woodhed said, "cantankerous and stubborn."
"Ah, so he gets it from my side of the family," Wilhemmina exclaimed with more than a trace of sarcasm. "And what about your Aunt Natalie who gave everybody grief about being invited to the *wrong* Virgin Island for Christmas?"
"To get back to the Hawaii-for-Nebraska issue,"President Woodhed said, tacitly conceding Wilhelmina' s point, "Sprilznick isn't specific about Woody/Hard Drive's motives. I'm going to have to call Irving and ask him."
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Mister President, Nebraska is missing, episode 23
Woody Woodhed's quarters at eastern Megalopolis University bore more of a resemlance to a computer warehouse than a dorm room. The other students liked to joke that Woody's roommate had gotten lost in the maze of harddrives, disc drives, monitors and satellite receivers that reached from floor to ceiling in many parts of the room. Campus authorities had ordered him to clear away his cache three times, but Woody had always appealed the order to his father who, of course, always carried the day. Maybe this had something to do with the federal subsidies that the president channeled to his son's school.
Woody did, in fact, have a roommate, but it wasn't the roommate who had originaly cometolive inthe room. Tat roommate had dropped put after the first week of classes in September. Woody's girl friend, Prairie Flower, was the one who actually lived there with him. Prairie Flower, a sophomore, had a double major in computers and literature of the Plains Indians. In later years, Woody would tell anyone who would listen that the Nebraska abduction had all been Prairie Flower's idea. And Prairie Flower would vehemently deny responsibility. The only area in which both students would see eye to eye was that of motive. They claimed that the whole thing had been an innocent, though large-scale, prank designed to annoy Woody's Father but not cause any lasting harm.
Of all the computers in Woody's overcrowded room, his favorite was the one that contained information from the Deus ex Machina's model that had briefly and unexpectedly materialized in the room during Emily's visit in early Septeber. The design was close enough to Woody's computers that he was able to shift large quantities of data from it to his own before it disappeared.
It had taken a few weeks for Woody to explore some of the alternative universes and dimensions for which coordinates were available, and even longer to recognize their potential. Dimension 666 had seemed a complete waste of time at first. Hardly any advanced lifeforms were able to thrive there. All the topsoil had been stripped away to a depth of 2,000 feet. All the action was on Mars, where a thriving community of lifeforms had plundered Earth for its farmland, minerals, and precious metals.
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Mister President, Nebraska is missing, episode 24
It had taken a lot of work to explore the many alternative universes and dimensions that Deus Ex Machina's computer data had made available for Woody, but by late Octobr he had mastered the easiest of the swapping techniques. Using this technique, two territories of exactly equal size and shape in different universes or dimensions could be swapped for each other with very little fuss. Woody had hoped to get to this point earlier, but he had a full slate of courses to keep up with. Prairie Flower had a similarly demanding course load, so it would have been unfair to give much of the burden to her.
He did, however, consult with her about picking a suitable dimension/universe for the switch. Fortunately, they agreed that Dimension 666 was ideal. It consisted almost entirely of canyons. There were no advanced lifeforms that could figure out that they were about to be sent somewhere else, and organize a resistance movement. The only other question was which territory in Woody's universe should be switched. Prairie Flower had suggested Montana, which wasn't heavily populated, nor of great strategic significance. True, there was some fracking going on to access shale oil reserves, and some mining of rare minerals Drat! Those mining cmpanies were overseen by some sharp cookies. There might even be a VIP or two whose family or company would scream bloody murder about their disappearance. This would bring out th FBI and maybe even the CIA, and Woody's goose would be cooked. The whole point of this was to annoy the president because he was not much of a father, let alone a president. He had some powerful agencies under him, though, and his party would fight viciously against anyone who tried to weaken his reelsction chances, even if those chances weren't much to write home about. Worse, Woody didn't want to be looking at serious prison time.
Nebraska, on the other hand, was a major farm state. Farmers got little respect, even if farm exports helped keep the balance of trade from being worse than it had to be. The only Nebraskan who was at all famous was Warren Buffett, a nonagenarian investor who was about as boring as tapioca pudding. True, he was one of ther wealthiest people in the world, but his wealth consisted of stocks, which would still be in this universe even if Buffett himself was temporarily in a different one. Maybe it would be better to switch Nebraska when Buffett was at his vacation home in Laguna Beach, California.In any event, Nebraska
would only be mised because of its agricultural importance; President Woodhed would surely be willing to part with one of the smaller Hawaiian islands in order to get it back. Wait, Mark Zuckerberg, head of Meta/Facebook, owned a lot of land in Kauai, so Molokai would be better. Or even one of the more obscure islands. There were so many, surely the U.S could spare one of them.
Six o'clock came, and the plan seemed to be working perfectly. President Woodhed placed his call to the satellite proxy number that "Hard Drive" had given. Woody had a microphone that slightly distorted his voice so his father wouldnt recognize him. Prairie Flower sat a few feet away, ready to be the voice of "Motherboard" once again.
"This is President Wilson Woodhed," Woodhed began when the person on the other end picked up the phone. "I am ready to negotiate for the return of Nebraska. My government has authorized me to offer you the entire island of Lanai. It will be yours in perpetuity proided that you return Nebrask immediately and never again make teritorial demands of any kind."
Woody's heart almost stopped when he heard this. Lanai was exatly what he wanted. He had expected his father to play hardball for a while before making any concessions. Was Dad suddenly psychic? Was it a lucky guess? Uh oh, maybe the FBI and CIA really had gotten involved, and had thwarted his elaborate defenses against detection! Well, the FBI was rarely subtle. Woody looked out the window to see if any government cars were at the curb. There were none. The mini-surveillance cameras spread across campus also showed no sign that the feds were about to swarm into his dorm room. Woody glanced at Prairie Flower, who gave a nod of assent.
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Mister President, Nebraska is missing, episode 25
Hard Drive was not long in responding to President Woodhed's offer. "Mr. President, my tribe has considered your offer, and aggrees to all your terms. You are a great leader, and I hope we meet in peace some day. Motherboard and I will return Nebraska at precisely 6:05. Once you are satisfied that it is back, we plan to travel to our new tribal homeland on the island of Lanai, which we plan to rename 'Flower of the Pacific.'"
Woody had not been certain that his terms would be met, so he hadn't made travel arrangements for his new tropical paradise. Indeed, he was wary of making any personal appearances that might give the government a chance to find out who he was. As the President's son, he was fairly recognizable. There had been a risk that Dad would want to sign a treaty in person, but that didn't seem likely now. Woody was happy to be spared this rik, but he was also worried that this had gone too smoothly. Was there a catch?
Still, a deal was a deal, so at 6:05 he brought up the software for switching Nebraska back to its original universe and dimension. At 6:05 he pressed the button that activated the switch, and watched with satisfaction as the nightly news aired satellite footage showing Nebraska in its normal place between Kansas and South Dakota as if it had been there all along. For some strange reason, probably related to the stress he had been under, Woody felt tired. "Think I'll lie down," he told Prairie Flower, who was pretty tired herself.
Meanwhile, back at Weasel's apartment, Emily and Sylvie were celebrating the return of Nebraska. suddenly she thought of a loose endthat needed attending: the ducks. They had stopped in the wetlands on the Eastern edge of Nebraska, and thought they'd never find the rest of their world.
Emily sent a vine down the hall to Deus Ex machina's computer, beamed herself to Dimeneion 666, and looked for her friends. Swiftwing and Sunwing were forlornly hunting for a few fish. They looked up when she arrived, but didn't say anything.
"Guys, the world has been brought back. You can resume your migration," Emily said. When they looked skeptical, she urged Sunwing to fly up to where he could check things out. He didn't want to, but Swiftwing figured that this was theonly way to make this crazy duck go away.
Emily and Swiftwing watchd Sunwing soar into the air. Shortly they heard a very loud "Yahoo!"
Five minutes later, Emily was back in Weasel's apartment, where the rest of Deus ex Machina had arrived for a wild party. A success like this was sure to be good for business. A few more big successes, and they'd be able to afford a permanent headquarters, and a proprietary transportation system to get them there for meetings. No more meeting in each other's houses. Maybe they could even get a contract with the U.S. government to scan the heavens for rogue asteroids and comets. It was said that a lor of asteroids and meteorites were discovered by amateurs. Surely, Deus ex Machina could do a better job than any amateur could!
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Mister President, Nebraska is missing, episode26
Woody woke up to the sound of horse hooves clattering on cobblestones. Prairie Flower was beside him. She was just waking up too. The morning sun was peeking through a set of venetian blinds. Woody looked around for his computers and saw nothing but a dresser and mirror. He looked at Prairie Flower who shrugged and saud, "We're not in Amherst any more, Woody. Your father seems to have spirited us away to Lanai somehow. Cheer up, it's what you wanted."
Woody looked for an electric clock, but there was only a windup one on the dresser. In the hallway, a grandfather clock was beginning to ring the hour. Woody followed the hallway to the front of the house, where an attractive set of rattan furniture nestled against stucco walls. The ceiling seemed to be of bamboo, rising to a central point above the middle of the room. Woody looked in vain for any electrical appliannes. "What century are we in?" he exclaimed.
Prairie Flower wandered out to the front door, where a daily newspaper was waiting for them. "We're in the same century, same month, and a day later than when we gave Nebraska back to your father. Oh, and there's a letter for you."
Woody opened the letter. It read:
"Dear Woody.
As you can see, you have the tropical paradise that you wanted. I thank you for returning Nebraska. Your grandparents and cousins who still live there thank you too. What troubles me is that you took it in the first place. Some of my advisors have urged me to make you stand trial, with the object of sending you to prison for long time. That seemed unnecessarily harsh to me, but we still needed to make you pay some kind of a price. Who knows when some future President's relaitve (or the President himself/herself) might do something even more damaging? So, with the hlep of some very expert people who know how to travel between universes and dimensions, I have sent you to an alternative universe where electricity has not yet been invented. Your computer skills will be of no use to you there. I have taken the liberty of enrolling you in the University of Hawaii's Lanai campus, where you will finish the last three years of your education. After that, if you behave yourelf, you can come back to my universe. Obviously, since your "tribe" now owns Lanai, you will get a taste of the dilemmas that face rulers, and I don't envy you. For one thing, you are a Hao Li on an island where indigenous Hawaiians won't be patient with your people. Chances are, they will quickly figure out that Prairie Flower is no more indigenous than you are. Please meditate on your sins. When you finish college and come back to us, I will (if I get reelected) have only two years remaining in my second term, so I will be a lame duck and have very little power. Maybe you will like the nonelectric life enough to stay where you are, but we may not let you. If, as I suspect, you turn out to be a dud as a leader, you'll be desperate to return. You thought *I* was a dud? Wait until you find out how hard it is to be a leader. Good luck. I think you'll need it.
Love,
Wilson Woodhed, President (for now) of the United States."
Woody opened the window and gazed out at the lovely landscape that surorunded thebulding he was in. The sweet scent of Oleanders wafted into the room. Some birds with trumpetlike calls were perched on the branches of a tree. A pair of Monarch butterflies flew by, and a Ne Ne wandered by twenty feet away. A banyan tree covering at least an acre was in the distance. This was going to be interesting.
THE END
