h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

'The planet was settled ages ago by a cult of Dutch T-rex cattle farmers, hence the koffie here. T-Rex cattle farming doesn't take a lot of imagination, only firepower and the occasional shrimp sandwich, although these are getting very rare nowadays. Especially after the Alpha Fornacis shrimp farms were wiped out by that Megawhale.'

'Did they ever find out where that came from?' I asked.

'It is rumoured that that has been a Galactikoke publicity stunt gone wrong. They probably should have thought before geneticallly mixing whales with FTL blow-worms. From publicity point of view it might have been genius, but logistically it is a nightmare when the whole Universe knows about your brand (albeit in a way that makes them more likely to sue you than not) and not being able to supply the actual merchandise to potential consumers.'

'Anyway, those Dutch farmers got stuck in the wide-mouthed frog joke stage of evolution and seem happy to stay that way, just scaring off any outsiders with their tiny laser-guided pitchforks. So even if they have a truly original story out there, big chance nobody else will ever find out about it.' Silasi sighed.

Now that sounds like a challenge! was all I could utter, toying with my hoagie, which actually resembled a submarine with the breadstick smashed in vertically down the middle and the gherkin torpedoes protuding from the front end. The rainbow jello had lost its appeal after the colours started running. If they had told me it was a brownie, I would have believed it.

Silasi was unsuccessfully trying to break the caramel brick under the thin cream layer of the inverted burnt cream dessert.
'Are you in for an adventure?' They said.

'What do you mean?'

'We could go and do some exploring. If they do have the last truly original story of the Universe, it might make us rich if we publish it. Maybe we could even buy Galactikoke with the proceeds. I have always wanted to find out their secret recipe.'

'That sounds like a plan. Do we split our earning fifty-fifty-twenty-forty-two?'

'That depends on who gets which bit. If you let me have the fifties, you can have the rest.'

'Deal!' I said and spit on my hand to seal it.
Silasi shook it, but only after offering me a napkin and hand sanitiser.

'Do you want to finish your meal or shall we go?'
'Let's go. Your ship or mine?'

'If yours works, definitely yours. I've never been on a Cygnan cruiser.'

'It's not a cruiser, just a tiny little thing that goes fast. It'll be a bit cramped though with the pets and all.'
Walking out, Silasi beckoned the entangled couple, causing them to untangle and follow us to what surely was a tiny ship that was sitting at the far end of the docking arm.

With a lot of shuffling and squeezing, we managed to embark.
'What kind of pets are they?' I asked as politely as I could.
'Oh, just some couple I have picked up at a space bar like this one. Don't mind them.' Silasi grinned as they fastened my seatbelt buckle with a very final click.

I did start to feel a bit uneasy about the situation, but the buckle didn't budge as I tried to unbuckle it. Through the window, I could see the station moving away at increasing speed. The unimpressive ball planet got bigger in the process.

Closing in on the planet, I found out that imminent captivity was the least of my problems. 'Damn Silasi' were my final atomising thoughts as they had apparently and vastly underestimated the effect of the Dutch laser-guided pitchforks on their protective shields. Definitely no sequel for my story...

Now I am glad I never finished that story. It was worth it for the Dutch T-rex cattle farmers with their laser pitchforks.

You're welcome. It just fell out of my sleeve so I thought I'd better share it.