Fifi's Phonecall of Duty
Created | Updated Sep 23, 2023
Fifi's Phonecall of Duty
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-Silver Hotel, Hawthorne, Nevada. August 19th 1943-
...
Sir? There's a phonecall for you.
A Mr. Boyd.
Says he's military.
It's about a dog.
You can use the phone in the smoking lounge.
I thought they put out that fire days ago....
I do beg your pardon Sir?
Just kidding. Smoking lounge, see?
Tell Mr. Boyd I will be there momentarily.
Here's a nickel for your trouble.
. . .
Yes?
US Marine Corps, Captain Boyd speaking Sir. We are calling you to get some additional data on the application for you 'dog' Fifi. A bit of history always helps to improve proper placement. Things like lineage, previous experience, family traits, eating habits.
Oh, well... Bought him off an Egyptian sailor and former Orient Express employee who has fled his country after the Abdeen Palace incident last year. He said his merchant captain wouldn't allow him to take Fifi back on board after some fracas or ruckus in a bar in San Francisco harbour. The man wouldn't elaborate on what that was all about... Left rather quickly after the sale was done, too. The crate arrived on my doorstep the next day, with no return address.
You noted 'Pending' for the AKC number on the form...?
For some obscure reason, the pedigree specialists at the AKC were unaware of the existence of this breed, that is why the application is still Pending. They did praise his offensive capabilities, after he defeated and ate two dobermans, a malinois and one trainer. That's when we came up with the name Fifi. It is short for 'fierce fighter' and much easier than the original Sahaliat Maleuna.
He didn't answer to that name, anyway.
I wonder, Sir, Captain, Sir. Just for the record. . . I've heard that the dogs start at the rank of Private. How long will it take before Fifi can apply for promotion?
Well.. Under normal circumstances, once trained the 'dog' will receive a non-commissioned officer status one rank higher than the handler, to prevent abuse or mistreatment.
So if you handle Fifi, that would be a Major rank, then?
Usually handlers are of Private rank. I'm not sure if the one rank up rule goes for Officers as well. Can't imagine having non-human Generals (although it could be an improvement, but forget I ever said this on pain of pain).
Anyway. . .
Do you think your 'dog' will be suitable for parachute deployment?
Depending on orientation, like snout-first, Fifi should get up to a pretty high terminal velocity. I suppose that is handy to reduce dwell times when under fire, entering enemy territory. He tends to act rather cold-blooded when subjected to all kinds of thrilling experiences, so that should be fine.
Good, good. . .
Just one thing. And excuse me for saying so, dear Sir, but I think you have been misinformed when buying this alleged 'dog'. After consulting with the duty veterinarian, we are pretty sure your Fifi is a member of the Reptile class. The Crocodylus Niloticus genus, to be more precise.
Say that again, Sir?
It's a damn crocodile!
Do you know what happens if you release a fifteen-foot, thousand pound crocodile on an military base full of highly sensitive trained dogs and their trainers It ain't pretty. All species involved are well aware who is higher up the food chain. We eventually managed to corral your Fifi using armoured vehicles. Some colleagues will get a commendation for today's work, I'm sure. For valour, bravery and loss of limb while in the line of duty.
So does that mean you are not admitting Fifi?
On the contrary. As we speak, we are setting up the dedicated K-90 submarine and airborne division for special landing and shock operations, possibly an organic mine squad. The possibilities are countless, once we succeed in training the beast to behave in an Avro Lancaster bomb bay. I'd like to see the Fuehrer's face once Fifi gatecrashes his swimming pool. The quartermaster even proposed to fabricate some sort of wingsuit for steering. That should boost German Dragonlore, I would guess. Oh, don't tell anyone by the way, this is confidential mission information. We will contact the AKC to arrange a valid dog entry into their registry, as a cover for the operations.
Well, that's about it. Thank you for your cooperation, Sir.
Your phone will self-destruct in five seconds.
Four now.
Three.
I should hang up and take cover if I were you.
One.
. . .
