h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: Doctor Who Enemies: Judoon - A88025655
Author: Bluebottle - U43530

This had been recommended but had not made the front page, so I don't have the final version. This is the state it was in when it left Peer Review.

<BB<

Picture restored.

<BB<

Hi BB.

I've a few suggestions before this one gets picked and sub-edited.

ou don't give any description of the Judoon other than that they are rhinos. But they aren't exactly rhinos, from the photo you present. Perhaps you could provide one or two sentences saying what they look like.

alien space rhino mercenary police force - this would benefit from a hyphen between space and rhino.

As well as apprehending criminals, their remit extends to also being prison wardens

-- remove the word "also" from this, since you already have "as well as".

without having to use upwards rain like their H2O scoop -- I really don't understand what you are saying here. It gets explained later, but it would better to explain it at this point.

the House of Parliament -- should that be the Houses of Parliament?

H20 --> H2O

(that is, zero becomes letter O)

G

Thanks very much for reading this through - once again you've spotted things in need of a bit of a tweak to clarify and I've been happy to make improvements along the lines you've suggested, so hopefully it is all much clearer now.

<BB<

Excellent image and informative Entry.

"They often use a scanner to identify different species and also identify language which, after recording and plugging into an attachment on their uniform, allows them to speak English." - they use the scanner to record the language, then plug the scanner into the attachment on their uniform?

Good description of the transmat technology and H2O scoop Could you say a few words about the psychic paper and temporal isolator, too?

Thanks for reading this again, I can confirm I've added more clarity including one and the rest in the text.

<BB<

Excellent tweaks, thank you - that's clarified things very well

Some advice: after changing a sentence, read the whole paragraph to make sure that it still flows well. I know it is difficult to read your own work; I find the same when writing my articles.

A bit more tweaking:
They often use a handheld scanner to identify different species and also identify language which they point at whoever is speaking.

-- this sentence is garbled. They don't point the language at people who are speaking. Rewrite it and the next one, to separate the processes of identifying the people and identifying the language.

"Judoon are susceptible to psychic paper1. Judoon have transmat2 technology allowing them to 'beam' individuals to a planet's surface from orbit."

I don't think you need Judoon at the start of both sentences. Change the second one to "They".

"They can also lift entire buildings into space by using their H2O scoop, a side effect of which is the phenomenon of upwards rain. They can also erect city-sized invisible forcefields, which disintegrate anyone who runs into one."

Two sentences starting with "They can also". You don't need to put "also" in every sentence! I'd say you should remove the first one and leave it in the second sentence.

"Their heavy weaponry includes a temporal isolator, a weapon designed to freeze time which is otherwise banned across the galaxy..."

Important to put a comma after "time". Otherwise it means the weapon freezes time that is banned across the galaxy.

The Sarah Jane Adventures).) -- there's a rogue bracket there

"Sarah Jane and friends witness a Judoon prison-ship crash nearby. Rushing to the scene they find that the Judoon's prisoner, Androvax, a Veil who can possess the bodies of others and is wanted for having caused 12 global extinctions, has taken control of Sarah Jane's body and plans to eradicate all life on Earth."

-- this isn't quite right. "Rushing to the scene, Sarah Jane finds that an alien has taken control of her body". This suggests that the alien had already taken control of her before she went there. I'd suggest:

Sarah Jane and friends witness a Judoon prison-ship crash nearby and rush to the scene to investigate. They find the Judoon's prisoner, Androvax, a Veil who can possess the bodies of others and is wanted for having caused 12 global extinctions. He takes control of Sarah Jane's body in a plan to eradicate all life on Earth.

But you mention Androvax destroying the world in the next sentence. Did he plan to eradicate all life, or did he plan to destroy the world? Perhaps they're the same thing, in which case you should only mention it once.

Perhaps it should be "He takes control of Sarah Jane's body in a bid to escape."

G

Thanks again for your thorough read-through, I've gratefully made those changes suggested.

<BB<

Thanks BB. That's much better.

Just one slip up:

and rushing to the scene to investigate.
-->
and rush to the scene to investigate.

In listing the cast of "Smith and Jones", you might include Florence Finnegan (Anne Reid).

B

Thanks, tweaked. I was only including the Doctor and regular/recurring cast in the 'cast' sections but have added Anne Reid to the summary.

<BB<

This looks ready to go.

Your Guide Entry has just been picked from Peer Review by one of our Scouts, and is now heading off into the Editorial Process, which ends with publication in the Edited Guide. We've moved this Review Conversation out of Peer Review and to the entry itself.

If you'd like to know what happens now, check out the page on 'What Happens after your Entry has been Recommended?' at EditedGuide-Process. We hope this explains everything.

Thanks for contributing to the Edited Guide!

Congratulations!

Congratulations on this being picked.