How to get kicked by a horse.
Created | Updated Nov 21, 2002
This is not a work of fiction, but rather factual information gleaned from working with and riding horses for the past twenty years. Everything mentioned within this article I have either personally witnessed or done myself.
Things you'll need:
1) A horse
2) An audience to provide medical attention if you need it
3) Heavy machinery, alcohol, drugs, or a severe gambling or anger control problem. (optional)
DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME.
At least not inside your home, even if you live in a barn or at a race track. Ideally you need a large enclosed area for the horse to run around in after it kicks you. This is because highly strung horses will almost certainly try to escape after kicking, wheras tamer horses, like many humans, know that kicking people is wrong and will try to put as much distance between themselves and the kickee immeadiatly, presumably to find friends who can act as an alibi should they need to prove later in court that they were nowhere near you at the time of the kick.
Either way, a 1000lb. vegetarian fleeing in panic can wreak havok on your broadloom, so I heartily suggest doing this outside and definitely within a fenced-in area unless your intent is to reintroduce the species to your neighbourhood.
Some experts will suggest that you retain the services of a professional horse holder to cover the possibilities of property damage and equine escape, but in this day and age of legal accountability it is becoming so hard to find a professional willing to risk any lawsuits against him/her as a result of your being kicked that I generally find it best to avoid the whole subject and learn from the getgo how to handle the whole affair, or at least the kicking part, single handedly. As it stands, most experts have insurance to cover any medical bills that their employees may incur, whereas non-employees are a liability that professionals will be discouraged from dealing with.
Now the average horse has four legs (one at each corner) as well as a front and a rear. This means that the prospective kickee has six possible combinations of kick to choose from, being four possible one legged kicks or two double legged kicks from the front or rear pair. (It must be noted that front/rear kick combos either count as two seperate kicks, or are covered in the manual "How to get trampeled")
Because of the horses' even leg spacing there are in fact only two places beside a horse where you may stand and not be within reach of a hoof. So long as you do not stand directly at the horses' shoulder on either the left or right sides of the animal you can be certain that you will be within kicking range.
Naturally then to recieve your kick it is best to stand as far as possible from these two points while still remaining within easy arm reach of the beast, and therefor I suggest either standing directly in front of, or most preferably behind the animal. The type of kick that you recieve will result directly from the position that you take.
One legged:
For beginners I suggest that you choose a tameish horse, stand beside the horses' hind legs and simply tickle the animals hocks (the elbowy/ankley joint at the back of the leg). Convince the horse that your tickling is a persistant fly and it will kick out and hopefully a little to the side with knee shattering force. This is called a Cow-kick. If at first the animal misses, just reposition yourself and try again. Most people are missed their first few tries so don't be discouraged! Just keep at it and the horse is certain to hit you eventually.
Intermediate kickees, once established can slowly work around to the rear of the animal until they are confident enouge in their knowledge of their horses range that they can be kicked from any angle within reach of the hind legs.
There is only one reliable way to recieve a good single leg front kick from a horse. Just lightly stick your head into the beasts front armpit and tickle its belly with your hair. Again, insect impersonation is your goal and with persistance you will find that you can induce your target to kick you in the head not once but repeatedly, or until you lose consciousness.
Double Barreled (shotgun):
This is a term coined within the throughbred industry do describe the sensation of getting kicked by both hind legs of the horse. Initially you may find that while the horse is executing a double kick you are only getting hit by one of the hind feeet, or one barrel, at a time.
Despair is our enemy and to combat it just remember that getting hit with just a single barrel of this combo is easily 100 times more powerful then the Cow-kick. To recieve this kick you have to induce the horse to do a sort of brief handstand, or even standing jump and slam its hind hooves into you with it's entire weight behind the blow.
The easiest way to accomplish this is to simply sneak up behind the horse and surprise it. How, you may ask, do you surprise a horse?
Well depending on the animal this is either easy, or as I have said before, very easy, depending on the horse. Some horses are surprised at simple things like trees and clouds and empty patches of nothing.
To these simple creatures the fact that you exist at all and are behind them is enough. In fact with horses of this type you don't even need to sneak.
For more worldly nags, clapping your hands, shouting, or jumping up and down suddenly will usually do the trick. Just rememer to stand directly behind the horse to increase your chances of connecting with both barrells in the kick.
Rearing:
Strictly for the master. If you have tried all the above techniques and are still alive then good luck with this one.
The only advice I can give is to firstly know your horse and secondly, stand in front of the horse and try not to get pushed to the ground by it's knees as the horse goes up on it's hind legs. If you do get knocked to the ground then you will most likely be trampeled, which is significantly different from a kick. To be effectively targeted by the rearing kick the horse has to beat you about the head and shoulders with its front hooves during those few seconds when it is standing on its hind legs alone. Most horses will simply try to knock you over and then run away so this is very hard to get right.
There is no conventional way to gaurantee that a horse will rear without giving it special training and frankly who has all that time to waste just to be kicked in the head? Just keep your eyes open and maby you'll get your chance one day.
On the use of heavy machinery, alcohol, drugs, anger and gambling:
If you are really desperate to get a severe concussion try out some of the following techniques that I have seen used with incredable effictiveness at some of North Americas largest race tracks. It helps a great deal if you have some form of heavy construction going on within 50 meters of the barn to get everyone all worked up. Something with bulldozers, backhoes, and giant pnumatic hammers should do the trick. These things are not absolutely necessary, but are an added bonus if available.
Scream at the horse, punch the horse in the face, kick it in the stomach repeatedly, if there is a handy pitch fork around beat the animal with it. Either end of the fork will do. Throw hot coffee into the horses face, blow ciggarette smoke up its nose, and if all else fails get two friends to hold down the animal, soak it in water, stand it in a puddle, and electrocute it repeatedly for a half hour with a device made by rewiring a disposable flash camera. If you don't feel like doing all of this sober, get drunk or high first and then do it. Better yet bet all of your money on a race horse in your care so that you can feel emotionally justified in treating it the way that you do when it doesn't win a race.
Actually all of the above isn't necessary. To really get nailed hard what you do is take a normal horse, and breed it until it's offspring are naturally half crazy and high strung. Then you take this animal whose metabolism is telling it that it should be spending fifteen to eighteen hours a day walking, running and grazing out in the open, and confine it within a fifteen foot square box for twenty three hours a day. Then you feed this animal a specialized diet of grains and minerals that effectively convert it into a manic depressive, the manic periods being in theory controlled to coincide with when you wish the animel to perform.
As you may have guessed this is in fact a generalised account of Throughbred race horses are treated in North America. Other breeds of horses have it better off by far, and unlike the throughbred can be released into a field without the risk of running themselves into the ground from anxiety.
Truely if you wish to be kicked by a horse, go to the back stretch of a racetrack. I don't mean to say that all throughbreds are driven insane through cruelty and selective breeding, many of them lead very good lives insofar as it is possible, and are never treated with cruelty. Hovever anyone who actually likes hores, has worked on a race track, and is honest, will tell you that if you like horses, don't support the racing industry.
Best wishes
(note: the author was severely injured several times while researching this document at different racetracks in two countries. you have been warned.)
(n2: to not be kicked, do the opposite of the above.)
(n3: horses also bite, hard. its still not funny even after you have been bitten on the shoulder and dragged of your feet into the stall.)