Play One for the Gipper
Created | Updated Jan 27, 2019
There's been some discussion on Twitter about 'toxic masculinity'. They're right: This sort of thing infests musical training far too much. The following is a cautionary tale.
Play One for the Gipper
Hey, Team. Let's welcome the rookies. Calls: Hey, rookies. Welcome to the first day of the rest of your lives. I am Coach Paderewski. You may call me Coach. You may call me Pad. You may not call me 'Guy with the Weird Hair'. You may not tell Polish jokes. This is Piano Team Practice. The first rule of Piano Team Practice is: Piano Rules! Got it? Let me hear you say it.
Fifteen piping teenage-boy voices: PIANO RULES! COACH!
All right! Let's start with some scale sprints! Wait for the metronome, wait for it! Now! Chopinski, you're a little slow. That's the way, Schubert! Show 'em how! Schumann, shoulders back, raise that wrist! Mendelssohn, you crybaby! Put your back into it! Do you think this is how Rachmaninoff got on the Wheaties box? Rosenbaum, are you playing barefoot? Do you think this is a sissy ballet class? Put some shoes on, and give me twenty arpeggios right now!
Okay. That's enough. Before we tackle our piece for the Big Game Saturday, I wanna have a serious talk with you about bullying. Beethoven, Mozart's mom called. She told me what you said. No, I don't wanna hear it. There's no excuse for that kind of language. What did you mean by saying, 'Your dad plays a harpsichord'? I won't have that kind of talk. Keep it clean out there. You represent the Team! The lessons you learn on Piano Team are character-building! They'll put hair on your chests. More important, they'll help you win the Tchaikovsky Competition. Big bucks and lots of female attention in your future, if you don't blow it!
Now. Take out your scores. We're going all out this weekend against the Liberace Team. We'll show those sequin-wearing candelabra lighters! Remember: accuracy counts, so we're going to work up from presto to prestissimo to…let me hear it!
Fifteen terrified teenage pianists: PRESTISSISSIMO, COACH!
That's the way! Say it, play it! And…metronome set! 'Flight of the Bumblebee', 2/4 time, one….two…. This piece'll make a man out of you!
