Post Journal Snatch: Very Strange Cat
Created | Updated Mar 6, 2016
It's that time of year again: when the Post roams around h2g2 and steals Stuff. No journal is safe from us…
Here, FWR muses about a cat. Or is it a dog? We think he's found a new category: transspeciesism.
Very Strange Cat
Just been playing fetch with the mad kitten, but what if.....?
I limped home from the park for the umpteenth time this week, my fur wet with German Shepherd spit and my ear bleeding from a nasty nip from that bloody Westie – should've seen that one coming, he's a sneaky little sod, but I was otherwise occupied in a tug o war with the mongrel from number nine. Shame I lost, that was a lovely looking stick. I hate, hate, hate that bloody terrier.
I paused by the bins, nothing like a good spray to let everyone know I was home , before jumping the fence (goodness my paws ache) and padded along the garden wall, tail high, looking for a warm spot to dry off and catch my breath.
My humans had obediently filled my bowls, they're nice but dim animals, unaware I'm perfectly capable of looking after myself, but I like to humour them. I spend a little while playing in the water, partly to wash away the Alsatian drool and partly...well just for the fun of it, love playing in water.
I love watching their expressions whilst I teach them to hunt but the poor things are amused for hours throwing things, clapping gleefully when I return and drop the simulated rodent, trying to make my point, useless beasts but I let them continue their game. Neither would last a day in the wild - just can't grasp that the point is not to let go of prey when you've caught it, never mind throwing it as far away from you as possible – as I say, nice but dim.
I've seen other animals contentedly leading their humans ( safely tethered of course so they don't get into mischief) out and about on long blissful walks, proudly skipping alongside, or jumping excitedly trying to stimulate the dumb two legged animals into play, but my humans never offer. The stupid creatures would rather pin me down and ruffle my pristine coat and I hate, hate, hate having my fur messed up!
Even when I'm being especially nice, dragging their smelly foot coverings to them - do
I get a proper thank you? No just more unbearable coat messing. Who knows what goes on in those strangely shaped heads eh?
I flatten a comfy spot on the sun warmed lawn chair, circling lazily, claws checking for faults before settling in for a nap, I keep one eye open whilst dozing as that horrible beast from three doors down dared to enter my kingdom yesterday, all ginger hackles and spitting tuna breath from his over fed , over whiskered face. Soon chased it off though, cheek of some animals. Hate, hate hate that moggy!
My ears twitch, swivelling to recognise the cadence of the bird flying overhead. Female Swift. Too high and too fast to bother with and anyway I'm full and tired, maybe later after my nap.
I drift off, a contented rumble in my chest , claws flexing in time with my breathing as sleep comes.
I dream of the bliss of escape, of being born in the right body, the right species...
I hate, hate, hate being a dog trapped in a cat's body!
