I Couldn't Care Less: Self Self Self
Created | Updated Nov 2, 2014
Self Self Self
Last week I was wittering on about me and how my role props up my confidence and makes me feel useful and equal in my marriage. But of course, you already know that. As part of my ongoing campaign to focus on myself I shall be, this week, wittering on about why I am important. Not just me, per se, but I. What I mean by that is that we all need to spend some time on ourselves, and I think that the people who spend their time on others are the people who most need to give time to themselves.
My suspicion is that carers as a group are going to be less inclined to focus on themselves. This is especially obvious in family groups where, for example, there are several siblings but one is the major carer. Sometimes this can be the case regardless of relative1 proximity and even when the caring sibling is the further away. Whatever the case, the sort of person who takes on a caring role is quite likely to be the sort of person who puts others before themselves, and who therefore needs reminding to put themselves ahead of others once in a while.
It's fairly easy as a carer to convince yourself that you're fine. One reason for this is comparison with the person you care for. It's easy to notice, especially if you live with the person, that they are a lot worse than you. What's a few stiff muscles when they're in constant pain, or can't walk, or can't remember what day it is? Losing an hour's sleep or missing a meal can't hurt that much, especially when you're caring for someone a lot more vulnerable. Well of course it can. Partly, this is because the affect is incremental (another reason why you don't always notice). Lose and hour's sleep and you'll live, but lose an hour every night for a week and fatigue can set in. Another big issue is simply that you need to be healthy, well fed and well rested if you are to be of any use as a carer. R is fond of reminding me that if I can't take care of myself then I can't take care of her.
Which leads suspiciously neatly to my closing point. One of the things you need to do to look after yourself is back away from caring for whoever it is. This can be difficult if, like the person I wrote about last week (me), caring fills and important need for you. But it remains important to both parties. For you it is important to focus on yourself. For them it is important that they are not suffocated by care, and that wherever possible you can help them to find ways to manage for themselves and be a little more independent. In this way pulling apart can have a positive impact for both of you and strengthen the ties of your relationship, whatever that might be.
