h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: Dealing With A Controlling Or Manipulative Relationship - A87785851
Author: Happy Nerd - U8584330

Over to you.

In the second para after the list of bullet points, the last sentence has gone a bit wrong in editing. It looks like something's been accidentally deleted.

This entry provides lots of information on identifying an unhealthy relationship. Well done. But despite the title, it doesn't really provide much advise on how to deal with it. The only advice I could find was the 2nd last paragraph "Your best and perhaps only option may be to leave", which is repeated in the last paragraph.

Is this really the only way of dealing with such a relationship? Surely it is a last resort and there must be other techniques?

If this is in fact the only way of dealing with such a relationship, and this is well known among people experts in such matters, then it needs to be stated more strongly, perhaps indented in a paragraph of its own.

That's my thinking too, Gnomon.

It's a good Entry in recognising a concerning relationship, but needs a bit more on dealing with said relationship. That's not something I know anything about though. Which is lucky for me, but not very helpful for you HN!

Yes, I read it as saying that there is no hope of changing one who promises to change and fails to carry it out. Getting the pair into counselling may be a solution but in such a relationship as you describe it looks unlikely to get off the ground.

Perhaps you could rephrase this

one partner holds another partner responsible for prevailing against impossible odds or attaining unrealistic goals.

I had to think about that, and decided you must mean something like:

one partner requires the other partner to prevail against impossible odds or attain unrealistic goals.

This seems to be a case of two people expecting the impossible of one person.

This post has been removed.

AGreed with others, the title as 'Dealing With A Controlling Or Manipulative Relationship', in relation to the content of the entry, as is, would probably be more apt as soemthing like 'Identifying a Controlling Or Manipulative Relationship'...

Might be worht a note to deliminate the type of 'non consentual' unbalanced power within a relationship, ffrom those with a unbalanced power relationship, occuring at both partys wishes/desires....  
 

What a good topic.

I think the commenters are right - is there anything we can do? I'm sure you didn't want to get into an in-depth strategy list, but maybe a short bullet list of possibles? Maybe a link or two to some advice you found useful?

I'm thinking that this works, as I believe you mentioned, on both a personal level and a societal level. Would peace studies fit in there somewhere?

I have no intention of advertising but I can recommend this:

Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry by Albert J. Bernstein (McGraw-Hill,

I know someone who is in a very controlling relationship from which there IS no escape - sorry, no names no pack drill, and I found this very useful in understanding how controlling people operate.

I does show ways of dealing with such people, but frankly if it is at all possible my advice is get out - whether family, partner, work colleagues or bosses.

I have had 'friends' who have a very clever way of manipulating people and it takes a while to cotton on, hopefully before any damage is done.

Websailor

I think a better title would be - 'Recognising A Controlling Or Manipulative Relationship' as this is often the first and most difficult part.

Perhaps others can offer pointers for professional advice.


Websailor

A possible structure
a) Introduction
b) Mention of types of relationships in which this could occur
c) Identification of controlling or manipulative relationships
Including degree of severity
d) Options in dealing with said relationship once identfied
Including timescales for results / change for each option before the next is tried
e) The nuclear option (leaving) with consideration of pros & cons to leaving
f) Examples
g) Conclusion & references

As others have mentioned this could be relabelled to match the current focus on b)

I mean c) not b)

It seems to me that the "Controlling Or Manipulative Relationship" has been defined at the severe end of the scale, with some of the identifiers actual responses to attempted use of options (e.g. "promises to reform. but cycle of manipulation begins anew")

So it seems to me Happy Nerd has already built in the "non-nuclear" options already in the "identifier" section. In this instance then the next remaining option is to leave which is mentioned towards the end.

So this piece could be close to being fine / acceptable if it is assumed that "A controlling or manipulative" relationship is defined at the severe end of the relationship scale.

Controlling relationships can vary enormously and it is not just between partners of any gender, but between parents and children, brothers and sisters, friends, work colleagues.

The extreme end is soul and sometimes life destroying, at the lesser end just an unpleasant situation to be borne, if there is no alternative.

Websailor

I wouldn't change this Entry at all, apart from a tweak here and there (e.g. no hyphen is needed in Double Standards).

It has the rare merits of brevity and extreme clarity. Its message is complete and convincing.

I tend to agree with you Recumbentman. The only part where there seems to be a slight difficulty is with the title of the Entry. I'd suggest swapping the words 'Dealing with' to 'Recognising'. I think there is a discrepancy between the use of the term 'deal with' from this side of the Atlantic to what may be meant by it in the US.

I tried making some of the suggested edits to this entry, but now the entry stinks.

Why, what's gone wrong? It needed only a couple of tweaks.

Websailor

Then remove most of them.

Personally, I think the idea of changing the title to be specific about identifying the problem was plenty of change.