h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: Alfred Lennon - A87765150
Author: Bluebottle - U43530

I'd never intended to write an article about Alfred Lennon, but last week Gnomon told me that two years ago I'd inadvertently done so. So with a degree of fleshing out, here is what I'd unexpectedly written.

<BB<

Hi BB

I've only read this quickly so far - the Entry is very long

but it seems as if you've not proofread it carefully before submitting. Please can you do so? You need to ensure that you shorten overlong paragraphs and sentences, remove repetitions and generally edit this down so that it flows more naturally please.

Here is an example where you use the word orphanage three times, in the same sentence.

Alfred did not like the orphanage and when he was 14 he ran away from the orphanage, auditioned to join Will Muray's musical show, travelling to Glasgow with them before being forced to return to the orphanage.

The next place where you unnecessarily repeat a fact is here:

Alfred met middle-class Julia Stanley when he was 15 in 1927, in Sefton Park

you either need 'when he was 15' or 'in 1927' but not both. I'd favour just 'when he was 15'

Then the next sentence is needing attention - can you also construct it less formally? I don't think 'conduct a relationship' is fitting.
Nor do I think that you need to state 'difference in backgrounds' as well as objections from parents. You have already stated the girl was middle class in the previous sentence.

I think if you re-read what you've written, you'll be able to sharpen this up, give it an upbeat tone, where appropriate, and make it far less wordy. In my opinion this would make it far more approachable, but still convey all the interesting facts that you've gathered together.

Remember the old saying 'Less is More'



The subject is actually quite interesting, and sad in it's final outcome.

Re-written and hopefully improved.

<BB<

I though it was a bit suspicious > thought

Corrected

<BB<

What a sad story. But this entry is really, really long, and speaking as someone who has little or no interest in the personal life of John Lennon (and who thinks even less of him after reading this), I think unnecessarily so. Meaning, I'd like to know this man's story, but you've got to explain it to me, and it needs to keep moving.

I'd really recommend that you take out a lot of the 'he said, she said' stuff and the paragraphs exploring everybody's motivations. For instance, I think the sections 'Pauline Jones' and 'Life with the Lennons' are both mostly unnecessary. Too many quotes, too. And they're very long, those quotes.

These sentences confused me:

>>Alfred's brother Sydney never forgave Freddie for promising to give him John, but instead letting Mimi raise his nephew.<<

Are Alfred and Freddie the same person? I am confused here. I don't think you should use different names for the same person in the same sentence, it befuddles the slow-witted and those who do not associate the name 'Freddie' with 'Alfred'.

>>Freddie was almost accidentally executed for murder in Argentina.<<

I really don't think you can accidentally execute someone. You could do it by mistake, maybe.

>>Freddie first performed the song live in Amsterdam in Dutch.<<

Freddie spoke Dutch? That's a noteworthy accomplishment. Maybe you should mention if he knew other languages from his travels.

>>John's son and Freddie's grandson Julian reportedly frequently asked his mother to 'play granddad's song'.<<

That makes Julian sound like two people. Maybe limit it to 'John's son Julian'?

I suspect that the closer you are to a subject - and you *really* know a lot about it - the harder it is to take stuff out. But this is one that really needs trimming, I think. Get out the chainsaw. And watch the antecedents, because the reader will get confused with all those Lennons.

I'd really recommend that you take out a lot of the 'he said, she said' stuff and the paragraphs exploring everybody's motivations. For instance, I think the sections 'Pauline Jones' and 'Life with the Lennons' are both mostly unnecessary. Too many quotes, too. And they're very long, those quotes.

Over 500 words shorter now with fewer quotes and the 'Pauline Jones' section excised.

Are Alfred and Freddie the same person? I am confused here. I don't think you should use different names for the same person in the same sentence, it befuddles the slow-witted and those who do not associate the name 'Freddie' with 'Alfred'.

Alfreds are now replaced with Freddies.

Freddie was almost accidentally executed for murder in Argentina. I really don't think you can accidentally execute someone. You could do it by mistake, maybe.
Corrected

Freddie spoke Dutch? That's a noteworthy accomplishment. Maybe you should mention if he knew other languages from his travels.
I've added a bit to mention he only knew a little, but memorised the words to the performance.

That makes Julian sound like two people. Maybe limit it to 'John's son Julian'?
Corrected

<BB<

Good job. That's much clearer.

And it's an interesting story.

Are you happy with the Entry as is now, Bluebottle?

GB

I'm happy if everyone else is.

<BB<

unable to keep - i'd prefer a different word to 'keep' here, perhaps 'look after'. 'keep' suggests 'hold on to'.

was Freddie's older brother really called Sydney rather than the usual spelling of Sidney?

During the Second World War he served in the Merchant Navy. Between 1940 and 1944, Freddie only spent three months in Liverpool due to his compulsory war duties.
- make the first sentence about Freddie and the second about 'he'.

the sentence which start 'Fredie, in New York' is rather convoluted and confusing. Can you reword it?

John was sharing the only bed in the place, along with Julia and her lover Bobby
- remove 'along' and the comma before it

to immigrate to New Zealand - should be emigrate
to migrate with him - should be emigrate

raising her nephew despite not having legal custody of her nephew - remove the reptition

but that he insisted --> but also insisted

terminal stomach cancer - remove 'terminal' as you say it is terminal twice in the next sentence

Other than those, I think this is ready to go.

Suggested changes made, including:

Was Freddie's older brother really called Sydney rather than the usual spelling of Sidney?
I've seen various spellings of Sydney and Sidney mentioned in relation with him. However Sydney seems the most consistent and is the spelling used in 'Daddy Come Home', which was based on Alfred Lennon's autobiography. I've assumed that as that's the spelling Alfred himself used, he should know how his brother spelt his name.

the sentence which start 'Fredie, in New York' is rather convoluted and confusing. Can you reword it?
Yes

<BB<

Hi BB

Would you rewrite this sentence please? It seems as if it would be better split into two, or simplified. ( saving our sub-editors a task )

thanks


>>>It is true that he did not spend much time with his son during his early childhood, yet John was born in 1940 and National Service prevented Freddie from being with his son during his formative years, something for which John never forgave him.<<<

Split up as requested.

<BB<

Thanks, BB.

Still to do:

John was sharing the only bed in the place, with Julia and her lover
-- remove the comma after place

There's always a sneaky comma hiding somewhere...

<BB<

Childhood: <>
Should this be Will Murray?

You're right - corrected, and a link added too.

<BB<