What is it about going on holiday, going somewhere new, somewhere exotic that produces an overwhelming urge to bring back some piece of overpriced tat as an aide-mémoire? But assembling such things can be time consuming. Luckily, those wishing to remember their time in Moscow need really only make one extended trip to a market called Vernisage, although they may be disappointed by the quality of the goods on offer; sadly, it is almost impossible to find cheap plastic knock-offs of St Basil's Cathedral there, as the souvenir trade in Moscow in general runs more towards traditionally-made hand-crafted items. This is especially true in Vernisage.

Some History

Apparently 'vernissage' means 'varnishing' (in French) but is more interesting as the name given to the preview of an artistic exhibition. Presumably it refers to the original incarnation of the Moscow Vernisage as an outdoor art market within the confines of Izmailovskii Park when the more relaxed conditions of Perestroika allowed such things. Alongside this an extensive flea market grew up, as well as a brisk trade in collectables such as coins, and some reports also have it as the place where organisers of handicraft sales to tourists in more high profile and scrutinised areas such as the Old Arbat met manufacturers, resulting in a thriving wholesalers' fair. After such activities were finally properly legalised by Yeltsin in 1991, all sections of the market moved into the current, nearby location, where it has gone from strength to strength.

The Kremlin

Once the market was established, the organisers set about replacing the original rather battered metal stalls with more tourist-friendly carved wooden affairs. And then they started building a Kremlin. This took absolutely ages and it burned down at least once, but it is now open and really worth a good wander around. Now 'Kremlin' actually just means 'fortified compound'; far from being just the one Kremlin, there are any number throughout the older towns in Russia. This one has been modelled on the Tsar's Palace of the 16th – 17th Centuries, so it is made entirely of wood, onion domes abound, and it is very, very colourful. In the buildings there is a museum of the history of vodka, a toy museum and a museum of traditional Russian costume. There are also workshops where you can try your hand at pottery or painting or even forging in a blacksmith's. But mainly this is an event space with a banqueting hall, a business centre and, especially, the necessary civil and religious spaces to get married. Go there in summer and you will be tripping over bridal parties and limousines wherever you turn.

What Can You Buy?

Getting back to the market proper, the art market is still in existence, as is the flea market, and with the addition of antiques traders, these stalls take up the upper levels of the main shopping area. Here you can find paintings which echo the Russian masters such as Sishkin (silver birch trees; bears; bears hugging silver birch trees) or Kandinsky (angles; bright colours; angles hugging bright colours) and the must-see tourists hotspots of Moscow as well as more original works. This is also where you go if you are misguided enough to wish to purchase a bust of Lenin, or other items of Soviet porn. You can also find icons, gramophones, porcelain figurines from the more famous Soviet factories, pots, military bits and bobs, 1980 Olympic souvenirs, spoons, samovars, postcards, books and a lot, lot more, some of which may or may not mean anything to the tourist but which often brings a nostalgic gleam to a Russian eye.

Handicrafts

The lower section of the market is dedicated to handicrafts and other items tourists might be interested in. Of course, matryoshka or Russian nesting dolls abound and there are models to suit every kind of purse, from tiny ones in the basic peasant style to really large collections with elaborate designs and landscapes on the ladies' tummies. Other carved wooden figures are available, notably Father Christmas/Ded Moroz, who traditionally would sit beneath the Christmas/New Year tree. Ded Moroz is a much more mysterious and magical creature than Father Christmas, and is not necessarily clothed in a uniform red, so do not be startled when you see him in blue or green and carrying a wizardly staff. In Russia he is also usually accompanied by his granddaughter, Snigorochka (or the Snow Maiden), a blonde in light blue. There is also always a huge selection of hand painted wooden tree decorations, with two particularly popular designs being egg-shaped baubles and gift-bearing peasants, although in fact you can buy anything from rotund Vikings to dashing horses to hang on your tree.

Should you not be shopping for Christmas, look out for Khokhloma, traditionally painted wooden tableware, where red and gold stylised flower patterns stand out from a black background. Cobweb-like Orenburg shawls are made from fine goat hair, hand-knitted in geometric designs and exceptionally warm and suited for Russian winters. Linen table cloths trimmed with handmade lace are also an attractive, practical choice, and are accompanied by linen napkins and colourful napkin rings. There are various different styles of exquisitely painted lacquer boxes, often showing scenes from Russian fairy tales. There is porcelain from Russia's factories, notably St Petersburg's Lomonosov factory. Also plentiful are items made from birch bark and jewellery made from Russian amber or malachite. And there are the distinctive blue and white Gzhel ceramics and the naïve, colourful Dymkovo pottery figurines as well as many different types of handmade wooden toys, dolls, cheburashkas (a sort of small, bear-like creature from a much beloved Soviet children's cartoon) and, of course, chess sets of every conceivable type.

Whatever you do decide to buy, have a go at haggling. Most of the time, you will be able to get at least a bit of money off. If you speak halfway decent Russian, it will probably be more.

Get Yer Fur Hats Here

Despite the profusion of other options, there are a few things which start to register on the tacky scale.

• A shapka ushanka, or a hat with earflaps. Fur, but the cheaper tourist ones will be made from inferior rabbit. If you want to score extra points as hopelessly foreign, you buy one with a red star attached to it. If you are more discreet and want to blend in a bit, it is important not to be a woman (fur hats for women do not come with earflaps) and not to ever actually use the earflap option. Who knows how cold it has to be for a Russian man to break out the earflaps? It has never been that chilly in Moscow, that is for sure.

• Humorous matryoshkas. As well as traditional matryoshka designs, you can also buy sets of Soviet and Russian leaders, American leaders, baseball teams, Homer Simpson and family, custom-made ones of your family, and since you can almost certainly place orders if you really want to, custom-made whatever your fancy takes you.

• Poster hacks. There are a number of perversions of Soviet poster art available, usually with the most iconic Soviet images blended with advertising for iconic capitalist companies such as Coca Cola or McDonald's.

• T-shirts with amusing slogans on. To date 'I went to Moscow and all I got was this lousy T-shirt' T-shirts are not popular, but alongside the more reasonable metro map or St Basil's pictures, there are also things like 'Kalashnikov World Tour!' designs with the gigs being some of the nastiest wars of the last 50 years or so. Of course, there is always the vicarious 'up yours capitalism' thrill of wearing anything with CCCP on it. And the face of Lenin is always popular. In fact, you can combine the poster hacks involving Lenin with a T-shirt for maximum tastelessness if you like.

Other Things You Might Not Want to Buy

Russian customs regulations state that anything that may appear old (and by old they mean more than 50 years old, so not that old) or appears to have cultural value (such as art, icons, rugs, military souvenirs and so on) must be accompanied by a spravka. This is an officially stamped certificate stating that the item has no historical or cultural value. Otherwise, it will not be allowed to leave the country. In addition, it is impossible to take items over 100 years old out of the country legally. Should you wish to buy your art, icons, or busts of Lenin from an antique shop on the Old Arbat, they may well be able to help you acquire this spravka chitty. The same cannot be said for items you buy at Vernisage. This leaves you with the prospect of contacting the Russian Ministry of Culture to obtain your official bit of paper yourself, or hoping that customs officials will not take a close look at what's rolled up in your underwear. At this point, it is important to point out that smuggling is quite a serious offence.

Davai! Davai!¹

Head out from the centre of town on the dark blue Metro line to Partisanskaya (formerly Izmailovskii Park). The market is a few hundred metres to the left once you exit the station. You can't miss it. Follow the crowds and head for the onion domes. The weekend has the best selection of traders and is pretty much the only time the flea market operates. If you must go during the week, go on Wednesday. The market opens at around 10am and closes at around 5.30pm. There is a small fee to get in.