New Inventions for a New Year: A Prof Special

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'Hey, Prof,' I said. 'January is Science Month.'

'So?' he said.

'So', I said, 'We need to do some Science.'

'I can do Science,' he said. 'Yorkshire is full of great Scientists.'

'Name one,' I said.

'Me,' he said.

Here is a list of new inventions from the fertile brain of the Prof. Some h2g2ers think in their spare time. (The rest write for the Post.) As usual, the snarky footnotes are by me. I can't help it, I had too much coffee this morning. – DG

New Inventions for a New Year

The Prof's 'To-Do' List:

The lightbulb joke in its many forms

A new invention for dog owners, placed at the door the animal comes in and out of regular. 2 sprays outside at each side of the door at dog foot height and a sensor, so that as the dog reaches, its feet get sprayed with water – to wash any dirt off before it walks into the home.1

A safety harness for unsteady budgies, so they don't fall off their perches.

A 3-peddle2 bicycle, for those that live or have lived near a leaky nuclear power stationsmiley - whistle.

Coloured plastic hats with chin strap (don't blow away in high winds)
Some can't afford real tinfoil ones, which are slightly heavier and stay on the head3.

Bicycle clips with air freshener attachments, especially for those riders who are either incontinent smiley - sadface or have had a strong curry and it's too late to reach a public convenience.

Flavoured false finger nails for nail biters.

Car keys with built in sat nav, you can't find them but a satellite can.

A dog collar that has a sensor and whistle in it, if dog strays too far away from signal base (your house etc) whistles sounds and dog thinks its owner is calling it and returns4.

A doorbell that sounds outside but not inside, then the person thinks that you're not at home and you're not disturbed.

Outriggers on skates or roller skates help keep balance while learning.

A 3 way mirror, you can see them! They can see you! But YOU don't know it5.

We have rubber bullets, why not have rubber bombs? Then they can bounce back and be re-used, as good as recycling.

A money magnet! That really works.

A triangle with 3 and a half sides6.

Straight boomerangs! So YOU can throw them away.

(with no disrespect intended)7 Braille sat nav for negotiating towns etc by persons of limited eyesight.

Spectacles that have pictures of mountains on, facing the eyes so people who get seasick can wear them on boat voyages.

Boots or shoes with small flamethrowers at the front, used in winter to melt snow/ice as you walk – safety first eh!

Beanie or bush hat type wear with small solar panel on top, charges mobile/cell phone as you go about travels8.

An external hard drive and usb cable that can plug into your brain and record your thoughts, then when/if you forget something, you can reload the memory of what it was9.

Spectacles that are able to transmit where they are, as in when you can't remember where you put them.

(As like in Star Trek) a universal translator, with the advent of advanced hearing aids, micro chip technology, dictionaries. Then! Voice actuated units that will translate the heard word/s spoken translated to your first language of choice10.

Small extractor fans built into shoes/boots help to control sweaty feet11.

Concentrated water, in case of drought conditions or contaminated water supplies, takes less space up and can be diluted as and when required.

Man in a hat that's got the word 'mad' emblazoned on it.

Forget hair wigs, forget single follicle hair transplants. How about single artificial hair transplants, that way they'll never recede again and the person WILL always have a full head of hair.

A monetary coin system of square coins, so that they don't roll down drains etc if dropped.

4 Spikes that shoot down (via compressed air or other means) from under an armoured security van and dig 2 inch or so into the road, in case of attempted robbery the truck cannot be towed away by the bad guys.

Umbrellas with a built-in Geiger counter, just in case of a meltdown of a local nuclear power station12.

A reader of the h2g2 Post
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1This is a good solution to the problem posed in Ask about smelly dog feet. See? We are responsive to your needs.2The Prof either means a 3-pedal bicycle, for people with supernumerary tarsal appendages, or 3-peddle, meaning ones that have been sold repeatedly in Yorkshire second-hand shops.3Plastic, however, will not deflect the deadly mind rays sent by the Men Who Stare at Goats. On the other hand, plastic comes in cheerful colours.4This might actually work. (Knock me over with a feather.)5Can I preorder for Homeland Security, please? America needs this.6In an orderly universe, they would have.7If I get mail from 2legs, you will have to apologise with smiley - winekey smileys.8Does it pick up signals from Alpha Centauri? I want one.9That would come in handy for this conversation, as I've forgotten what we were talking about. Did you take a back-up copy?10Which would be Yorkshire, I assume? Tha's clever.11Smaller ones could be made for the dogs with smelly feet.12I'm sensing a theme here. Just how nuclear is Pontefract, anyway? Elektra comments that the idea of Yorkshiremen with nuclear reactors doesn't bear thinking of.

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