How NOT to Hide Christmas Presents

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'Tis the season for buying holiday gifts. Some of you are already exhausted from fighting the crowds, while others have sore fingers from online shopping. The following is a piece of advice in verse from a weary time traveler.

And yeah, it's a rerun. Sue me. – DG

How NOT to Hide Christmas Presents

Teleport santa!
Let me tell you the tale of Marty McPhizer.
He loved his gf, and he thought he'd surprise her
With bling and with sweeties, with boss DVDs,
With a new mobile phone and some gift cards to please.
But Marty had tsures: His gf, the tease,
Would find every well-hidden prezzie with ease.
Then she'd give every colourful package a shake,
And announce: 'That's pure crystal! I hope it won't break.'
While Marty would moan, 'Is your last name DuBois?
'Do you talk to the dead? Do they tell what they saw?'
He couldn't surprise her, wherever he'd hide 'em
She'd find out, and guess what he wrapped up inside 'em.
So Marty went calling on his old friend Doc Brown,
The smartest (and nuttiest) thinker in town.
The Doc had an idea: 'Why not hide the candy
And gifts in the past? I've a time machine handy.'
'Hey, Doc,' exclaimed Marty. 'That's the best idea yet!
'I'll give her a Christmas she'll never forget!'
So he gassed up the DeLorean, loaded the boot,
And headed through space/time to stash all the loot.
When the flivver reached 88 miles to the hour,
The old flux capacitor revved up its power.
More rapid than Concorde the time machine flew,
With a bus full of goodies, and McPhizer, too.
In the years since he'd started, the Doctor had made
Improvements, new tricks in the time travel trade,
Marty found himself able to navigate
In space and in time. We're glad to relate,
Instead of the west coast of Hanna Barbera,
He landed just east of the sunny Sahara.
'What place could be better than this pyramid?'
Said Marty, excited, and lifted the lid.
The presents were stowed in the safest place ever,
And Marty was sure he was awfully clever.
Then back to the future in quick-time he flew,
Just in time for some eggnog and an old 'Doctor Who'.
Two nights before Christmas, the gf and Marty
Were just sitting down to their own private party,
Some wine and the telly in Marty's new flat,
When his gf cried, 'Hey! Take a gander at that!'
And there, on the screen, was Professor Pine Coffin,
The worlds' most renowned archaeology boffin,
Unveiling to all in a wonderful show
The tomb of King Tutankhandhammer – and lo!
A history-making discovery,
Christmas wrapping in Egypt, 1200 BC!
Marty groaned, Marty writhed on the sofa and cursed.
Of time travel faux pas, this one was the worst.
But worse still than that was the thought he had then,
That he'd have to go shopping all over again.
The moral of this is abundantly clear:
Be careful when travelling this time of year.
And if your gf is as sly as a fox,
Put down rent on a safety deposit box.
Fact and Fiction by Dmitri Gheorgheni Archive

Dmitri Gheorgheni

12.12.11 Front Page

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