How to Deal with the Unfairness of Life
Created | Updated Jul 23, 2006
By Proudwart
Special thanks to LeppardStalkerLife, as wrote Douglas N. Adams in the Hitchhiker's Guide Radio show, is terribly unfair. It is constantly fraught with bullies, bad drivers and salesmen [NOTE: this is no longer quoting Douglas Adams], and sometimes you may experience the irresistable urge to jump up and down and scream, simultaneously ripping out your hair, and it is important to try to resist this intriguing temptation. There are many ways to deal with unfairness, and I will try to list as many of them as possible in the space below. I advise you to read them, for the sake of your reputation, your friends, and your hair.
Technique #1: The Toddler Technique
The most common way that children deal with unfairness is by jumping up and down and screaming at the top of their lungs, simultaniously crying profusely, but beyond a certain age, this is not considered socially acceptable (in fact, it isn't considered socially acceptable at any age whatsoever).Technique #2: The Comparison Technique
Another way to deal with the etc. of Life is to compare yourself to someone even less fortunate in life than you. If you can't think of such a person, than you have obviously led a very sheltered life, and I pity you/thou. I shall give an example:Once upon a time, there was a trout. He lived quite happily in his stream until one day he was caught, beheaded, skinned, gutted, frozen for a not unconsiderable amount of time, sold to a restaurant, frozen again, deep fried in batter, served with chips and kechup, thrown away by a bratty 7-year-old who suddenly and for no apparent reason decided that he didn't like fish anymore, thrown into a garbage bin, thrown from there into a dumpster, loaded onto a garbage truck, and, through a series of events not disclosed within this entry, incinerated into a puff of charred semi-microscopic particles.
As you can see, you're having it pretty easy in life. If you still feel that you are worse off than the aformentioned unfortunate trout, then you are either misjudjing your situation or..., uh..., a..., zubra. Thing.
Technique #3: The Take It Out On A Pillow Technique
This is a great way to expell all of the bad energy from yourself. The pillow that you beat the pants off of [NOTE: This is naught but a figure of speech; pillows don't commonly wear pants] should be roughly the size of your torso, have a lot of stuffing, and be sitting on a soft, flat surface (such as a carpet or matress) so as to prevent it from being projected into the ether every time you strike it. If you're really in a proper rage, you might try putting two pillows into one pillow case to give extra cushioning for your fists.Technique #4: The Daddy's Girl Technique
This one only workes for girls on their father, so any male beings reading this would be better off with #2 or 3. To fathers, their daughter will always be their 'little girl', even when they're 34, and so all you need to do to get what you want (if your dad is especially bendable) is to ask them in a sweet voice and make a slightly pouty face. Getting a new cellphone is a great way to deal with unfairness. (In all honesty, I'm not exactly shure that this one workes and I have my douts; I'm trusting LeppardStalker on this one.)Technique #5: The Stand On Your Head Technique
Again, this one is person specific: it only works if you can't stand on your head. I know it sounds odd, considering the techniques called 'The Stand On Your Head Technique', but it does work (I know from experience). It goes thus: try to stand on your head. You may not be assisted by anyone, or anything, else, such asyour friend, a bookcase, or a rather cooperative giraffe. You should also try to carry out your attempt on a hard/rough/spiky surface. If you follow these guidelines and meet the requirement stated at the beginning of this paragraph, you will expiriance a rather nasty failure and you will fall, most likely hurting yourself in one way or another. The insuing pain (if you have chosen the right flooring), will distract you from whatever unfairness has befallen you and caused you to read this entry.So far, these are the only techniques that I have come up with to deal with the unfairness of life, and I hope that one of them will satisfy you. I am open to any suggestions on more techniques, unless they have to do with drugs, smoking, etc. Toodlepip.
