Schools
Created | Updated Apr 1, 2002
Schools come under the umbrella term 'seats of knowledge' which is in fact a fundamental principle of how schools are supposed to work: children sit down..... and...... completely fail to learn things of any degree of usefulness in the outside world whatsoever. The fact that the idea of actually imparting any knowledge is completely impossible counts for as much as a Manchester United fan against a huge mob of low-browed and sharply-armed Leeds supporters to the secret and subversive 'organisation' known as the government. People may think that I'm wrong here, and that things of worth ARE actually taught, but I'd just like to show them the example below:
It was supposedly said -by some of the first men with long white beards, haemorrhoids and arthritis back in the days of the cave men who didn't want to go out hunting for sabre-toothed tigers for supper because of the frighteningly real danger of them being gnawed to death, or, more terrifyingly, having to *do something more strenuous than watching the prehistoric equivalent of Countdown*- that wisdom is more important than strength. It should be pointed out here that the Guide accepts no responsibility for any injuries that may occur to any readers when pointing out to a burly, inbred, broken-bottle wielding, red-eyed maniacs in a pub car parks that they are better than them because they know their four-times table (you can also see this as clinching proof that the soon-to-be-hospital-bed-occupier-to-be didn't go to a school).
Another fundamental principle of schools-: lie, all the time, to enquiring young minds, and instead of calling it 'brainwashing' call it 'teaching the difference between right and wrong'.
Earth schools use the most run-down and poorly maintained buildings this side of Squornshellous Zeta. If you ever have the misfortune to end up in a school, and you haven't been arrested for smiling at any small children, then try to be there when you do not have any illnesses affecting the sinuses: one sneeze and you'll be insurance black-listed for life.
If you are a small life form, then you will be obliged by the laws in most countries to go to one of these schools. The Guide has one piece of advice in this situation: don’t be a small life form.
Once a year, most children in schools undergo a series of sadistic academic tortures designed by teachers (from the English word ‘tea’ and the singer ‘cher’. The name alludes to what sort of thing goes on in staff rooms) who aren’t getting any and feel that they need to take their frustrations out on the children. These acts of barbarism are called ‘exams’ (from ‘ex’, colloquially meaning ‘used to be’, and ‘am’ or are. Exam therefore means ‘I was [before I died of boredom, stress and frustration]). Never, EVER get caught in a school during exam time. You will be forced to sit in a small room on an uncomfortable chair, with a tacky table, a useless biro and a couple of pieces of paper for company. You will not be allowed to talk, and only be allowed to breathe under supervision. These conditions have been used as a successful form of sensory deprivation in many parts of the galaxy, where there prolonged use can induce spasms, heart attacks and eventually death.
Teachers are the people who are charged with the responsibility of misinforming youngsters. Most teachers became teachers because they couldn’t get jobs as dentists, technical support people, serial killers or interrogators in totalitarian 3rd world police states, and the teaching profession was the only unskilled one left that payed and also involved inflicting pain. All teachers had scarred childhoods, and long for a chance to share the pain. This comes in the form of homework, which they distribute because they are envious of children’s social lives, and detentions, which they distribute because they are envious of children’s happiness and general love of life.
Avoid teachers at all costs.
Teachers work together with ‘bullies’ to make life miserable for children. Bullies grow up to be lorry drivers, dentists, technical support people, serial killers, interrogators in totalitarian 3rd world police states or teachers. Bullies can be spotted by the trademark height, body odour, appalling personal hygiene, fascination with weapons and brutality and single digit IQs.
Avoid bullies at all costs.
To summarise, schools are pits of despair. AVOID.
It was supposedly said -by some of the first men with long white beards, haemorrhoids and arthritis back in the days of the cave men who didn't want to go out hunting for sabre-toothed tigers for supper because of the frighteningly real danger of them being gnawed to death, or, more terrifyingly, having to *do something more strenuous than watching the prehistoric equivalent of Countdown*- that wisdom is more important than strength. It should be pointed out here that the Guide accepts no responsibility for any injuries that may occur to any readers when pointing out to a burly, inbred, broken-bottle wielding, red-eyed maniacs in a pub car parks that they are better than them because they know their four-times table (you can also see this as clinching proof that the soon-to-be-hospital-bed-occupier-to-be didn't go to a school).
Another fundamental principle of schools-: lie, all the time, to enquiring young minds, and instead of calling it 'brainwashing' call it 'teaching the difference between right and wrong'.
Earth schools use the most run-down and poorly maintained buildings this side of Squornshellous Zeta. If you ever have the misfortune to end up in a school, and you haven't been arrested for smiling at any small children, then try to be there when you do not have any illnesses affecting the sinuses: one sneeze and you'll be insurance black-listed for life.
If you are a small life form, then you will be obliged by the laws in most countries to go to one of these schools. The Guide has one piece of advice in this situation: don’t be a small life form.
Once a year, most children in schools undergo a series of sadistic academic tortures designed by teachers (from the English word ‘tea’ and the singer ‘cher’. The name alludes to what sort of thing goes on in staff rooms) who aren’t getting any and feel that they need to take their frustrations out on the children. These acts of barbarism are called ‘exams’ (from ‘ex’, colloquially meaning ‘used to be’, and ‘am’ or are. Exam therefore means ‘I was [before I died of boredom, stress and frustration]). Never, EVER get caught in a school during exam time. You will be forced to sit in a small room on an uncomfortable chair, with a tacky table, a useless biro and a couple of pieces of paper for company. You will not be allowed to talk, and only be allowed to breathe under supervision. These conditions have been used as a successful form of sensory deprivation in many parts of the galaxy, where there prolonged use can induce spasms, heart attacks and eventually death.
Teachers are the people who are charged with the responsibility of misinforming youngsters. Most teachers became teachers because they couldn’t get jobs as dentists, technical support people, serial killers or interrogators in totalitarian 3rd world police states, and the teaching profession was the only unskilled one left that payed and also involved inflicting pain. All teachers had scarred childhoods, and long for a chance to share the pain. This comes in the form of homework, which they distribute because they are envious of children’s social lives, and detentions, which they distribute because they are envious of children’s happiness and general love of life.
Avoid teachers at all costs.
Teachers work together with ‘bullies’ to make life miserable for children. Bullies grow up to be lorry drivers, dentists, technical support people, serial killers, interrogators in totalitarian 3rd world police states or teachers. Bullies can be spotted by the trademark height, body odour, appalling personal hygiene, fascination with weapons and brutality and single digit IQs.
Avoid bullies at all costs.
To summarise, schools are pits of despair. AVOID.
