Tucson, the perfect boredom of
Created | Updated Apr 1, 2002
Tucson, Arizona is a city located in the southwestern United States. It has thriving desert wildlife,
majestic mountains, and wonderous colorful sunsets that could make you sit and stare at them for hours---which you
will tend to be doing a lot, because there is nothing else to do in the city.
Really, just try to find something. There isn't. Even in the remote chance that something interesting happened, like a
plane full of pornography crashed into a Papal visit, you could never get there to see it because the roads are so
poorly laid out even Virgil with Dante in tow could not find his way.
For instance:
- Many streets become other streets (Kolb becomes Grant)
- Every road has a median even if it doesn't need one (residential, one lane streets for instance)
- Numbered streets intersect
- Certain lanes are "Sucide Lanes" meaning that, at certain times of the day, the lanes allow traffic to travel in one
direction, then at other times of the day allow traffic to go in the other direction. This is supposed to be so traffic can
move quickly through the city. This doesn't work because people are so confused as to which way they are supposed
to be going that people crash into each other, which slows traffic down because there's something breifly interesting
for other drivers to see as they drive by.
Also not helping the transportation problem is the fact that Tucson is also a retirement community, meaning that it is
a place where old people go to die. As a result, they don't care how they drive. Turn signals are a rare occurance, and
if you manage to find someone going the speed limit, get out of the way, as the person is either insane, or is driving
an ambulance or both.
Alright, even though Tucson is boring and frustrating at times, the boredom and the frustration can be overlooked, provided you don't mind going out a lot and you don't drive. If you are that type of person, Tucson is the place for you.
Many famous people have summer homes in Tucson because they fall under that category. Paul McCarney is one of them.
Speaking of Paul, other people who don't mind to go out and don't mind boredom are artists. Tucson has a strong artistic presence. Go downtown and you are sure to find many purveors of arts and crafts, independent theaters and neat little restaurants. There, you can sit down, have a cup of coffee, and write some haikus about independent theaters.
Oh, yes, and there is yet another group of people who don't care about going out and don't mind the boredom: the parents of students who go to the University of Arizona. The university, located right smack dab in the middle of Tucson, is a good place to get an education because there are few distractions. The U of A is home to many students, on average 60,000, who resent their parents for sending them to a place with few distractions.
So, to sum up, Tucson is a good place to go to if you want:
1. To pay high auto insurance premiums
2. To become bored
3. To become a powerful artist
4. To get an education and resent your parents
5. To not be in Los Angeles.
That's about it.
Oh, wait, if you're a cowperson, you'll enjoy the Rodeo Days and many steak restaurants. Mmm-Mmm COW!
majestic mountains, and wonderous colorful sunsets that could make you sit and stare at them for hours---which you
will tend to be doing a lot, because there is nothing else to do in the city.
Really, just try to find something. There isn't. Even in the remote chance that something interesting happened, like a
plane full of pornography crashed into a Papal visit, you could never get there to see it because the roads are so
poorly laid out even Virgil with Dante in tow could not find his way.
For instance:
- Many streets become other streets (Kolb becomes Grant)
- Every road has a median even if it doesn't need one (residential, one lane streets for instance)
- Numbered streets intersect
- Certain lanes are "Sucide Lanes" meaning that, at certain times of the day, the lanes allow traffic to travel in one
direction, then at other times of the day allow traffic to go in the other direction. This is supposed to be so traffic can
move quickly through the city. This doesn't work because people are so confused as to which way they are supposed
to be going that people crash into each other, which slows traffic down because there's something breifly interesting
for other drivers to see as they drive by.
Also not helping the transportation problem is the fact that Tucson is also a retirement community, meaning that it is
a place where old people go to die. As a result, they don't care how they drive. Turn signals are a rare occurance, and
if you manage to find someone going the speed limit, get out of the way, as the person is either insane, or is driving
an ambulance or both.
Alright, even though Tucson is boring and frustrating at times, the boredom and the frustration can be overlooked, provided you don't mind going out a lot and you don't drive. If you are that type of person, Tucson is the place for you.
Many famous people have summer homes in Tucson because they fall under that category. Paul McCarney is one of them.
Speaking of Paul, other people who don't mind to go out and don't mind boredom are artists. Tucson has a strong artistic presence. Go downtown and you are sure to find many purveors of arts and crafts, independent theaters and neat little restaurants. There, you can sit down, have a cup of coffee, and write some haikus about independent theaters.
Oh, yes, and there is yet another group of people who don't care about going out and don't mind the boredom: the parents of students who go to the University of Arizona. The university, located right smack dab in the middle of Tucson, is a good place to get an education because there are few distractions. The U of A is home to many students, on average 60,000, who resent their parents for sending them to a place with few distractions.
So, to sum up, Tucson is a good place to go to if you want:
1. To pay high auto insurance premiums
2. To become bored
3. To become a powerful artist
4. To get an education and resent your parents
5. To not be in Los Angeles.
That's about it.
Oh, wait, if you're a cowperson, you'll enjoy the Rodeo Days and many steak restaurants. Mmm-Mmm COW!
