Delicate Doily Dalliance Corner
Created | Updated Dec 23, 2003
In response to criticism and comments that we, at Irritating Public Radio, 'Your Friends in the Air', have ignored the female sector of our potent audience, our programming exucutives have put their heads and their hands together and consulted the secretarial pool for their ideas, input and suggestions.
After weeks of consideration, the programming exucutives consulted their spouses. Recovering from that, they decided to buckle down and do the dirty deed right.
They hit the East Windbourne Resting Home for Retired Broadcasting Bromides and kidnapped that doyenne of soggy tea-stained schedule filling, The Honorable Mrs. Peter T. Carbuoy, once known to the broadcasting world and veterinarians alike as "Miss Loblolly, Your Dearest on the Dial", a persona and a show that ranged the years and the channels, providing news, sports, weather and washing up tips for the delicate minded and stiff-crinolined among the discerning in England, Herself.
So, without further ado, if that in fact was what it was, we present:
THE DELICATE DOILY DALLIANCE CORNER, hosted by The Hon. Mrs. Peter T. Carbuoy, and her facilitator, Sid
Mrs. PTC:
Is this thing on?
Sound Effects: Whack, whack, bzzz, squeeeal
Mrs. PTC:
Ahh, morning, all and dearest dearies, muh darlings, all. Have you missed me? The tastemakers and popularisers have held me back, oh, for so many years, filling the ether with what-all, music, they call it, sounding like so much static from a short wave, with the burble and borble of blathering voices poking through the murk to tell you something you'd really rather not know.
I really must apologise. I did try to stem the tide, but it all went into the loo with Frankie Sinatra and it hasn't come back yet.
Sid:
Ma'am? The show?
Mrs. PTC:
You mean what we rehorsed?
Sid:
Yes, ma'am. It would be helpful. It is timed and approved and ready to go.
Mrs. PTC:
Helpful to whom? Where are my glasses? Where's my hankie for my glasses? Where's my tea?
Sid:
Sorry, be right back.
Sound Effects: Door opening, shutting. Latch being drawn.
Mrs. PTC:
Ahhh, he's gone. Now, listen, listen very carefully, ladies and you few of the old dodgers who have sense enough to listen. The time has come. My opportunity to return to the air is a sign, a sign that the time has come! Take your medications and bake cookies with them! Give them to your caregivers and adult children and any nice helpful people from the ministry and the council and the whatever... Then hie yourselves to the streets! Let them see you! Form parades! Block traffic! Let them see you! We have hidden long enough, cowering in corners waiting to die! Dress colourfully, dress bawdily, dress anyway you like! Get shut of those Mother Hubbards and sensible shoes and don anything you like! Run, walk, crawl! Get out! And fight to stay...
Sound Effects: knock on door, key turning in lock, door opening
Sid:
Here's your stuff. You been behaving?
Mrs. PTC:
Sure, dear. Sure, dear. Now, as I was saying, I have brought my bus excursion bag with me today. I am going to tip it over on the desk here and we are going to go through the essentials that the sensible lady needs to take with her when she...
Sound Effects: knock on door, door opening, whispered conversation
Sid:
You've been misbehaving, says the engineer. If you don't behave, then they won't broadcast this. No behavior, no show.
Mrs. PTC:
This isn't going out right now?
Sid:
Um, no. It's being recorded for later broadcast.
Mrs. PTC:
Oh, pooh.
