Irritating Public Radio, Your Friends From Over There, present another halfed hour in the tradiotn of such shows as "I've Got A Secret", "What If The Examiner Was Dyslexic?", and "Whose Mum is it, Anyway?", taking a baby step in the direction of broadcasting history and making at least one corporate donor very happy as a consequence...,ah,...what was I saying? Ah! Um, here's:

HOW CAN I FIND MY SHOES WHEN I'VE LOST SIGHT OF THE EDGE OF THE BED?

Mod:
And I am Ethan P. Bland, your referee and moderator and host and presenter and interlocuter and...


Dr. RR: Professional windbag.





Mod: Ah, yes, thank you. Now, to our game...



M.S.: This is a game?



C.L.: Um, yes, you didn't know?


Fr. E.K: Game? What did he say?


Mod: Yes, this is a game show. What did you think it was?


G.F!: Ah, ah, a load of...(five second delay kicks in)...'s!


M.S.: I thought it was a forum show. A discussion of sorts.


C.L.: Oh, is it? I thought it was a game. I was hoping to win something.


G.F!: Way I heard it, first price is a chance to never be on again.



Mod: Now, you just behave!


G.F!: How?


Dr. RR: Just take a deep breath, concentrate, and listen.


Fr. E.K.: Good advice to all. Now, what sort of game is this?


C.L.: I'll bet it's silly.


M.S.: All games are silly. I've got better things to do than be silly. Let's get on with it, then?


Mod: Okay, here are the rules:

1. If you take your eyes off your paper, you will have to answer three questions from the hat.

2. The clock is made in increments of millimetres per second and pips per farad. You may choose any increment to bet by during the durance vile portion of the game.

3. At no time may you engage in declension or appropriation of a phrase previously parsed by any person diametrically opposed to your supposition

4. All decisions by the retired charwoman are final.

Do you understand these terms?


Fr. E.K.: Where do I sign?


Dr. R.R.: And what is the point of this game?


G.F!: Is there a prize?


C.L.: That didn't make any sense at all. What is the point?


Mod: There are three rounds, The Poignant round, the Durance Vile, and the Orotund Round. In each round, every other contestant has to smell the breath of the contestant next to him and decide if he wants to continue sitting next to that person. Depending upon the answer, he hits either the green button or the orange button in front of him or her. The button will cause a question to pop up in the little window on the desk in front of her/his and the other contestants have three seconds to decide whether that question is valid or not. Depending upon the answer, they hit the green button or the orange button, but only if they want to answer the question. If they do not, they do nothing, and a question appears in the little window before them. If, at the end of each round, no one has correctly answered a question, then each contestant has a new and different paint job applied to their car in the park. If, at the end of each round, each person has answered at least one question, then a drop of the antidote to the glue holding them to their seat right this moment will be applied. If at least one person at the end of all three rounds has answered three questions correctly and ignored three questions that cannot be answered, then the bell will sound, the bugle will play and the stuffed wildebeest will descend and the money found in his ear will belong to the winner. Do you understand that?


Mod: Hello? Hi! Hey! Where'd everybody go? Sid! Sid! See! I told you!
Nothing doing. Too complicated.


Sid: Right. And would you like to see your gerbil again?



Mod: Ahh... Okay, let's not be too hasty. Uh, doorman? Doorman?



Doorman: Yes?


Mod: Roll in the next bunch!