h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

When you say the Guide Mach Two downloaded itself into Marvin's databanks and they both survived the 'Big Crunch', you don't mention that Marvin himself actually died at the end of one of the books, 'So Long, and Thanks for all the Fish', I think. Remember, after Arthur and Fenchurch found God's Final Message to His Creation, the 'lights in his eyes went out for absolutely the last time ever.'
Of course, I'm sure you can find a way around it.
Or you could just say to me.

Otherwise I think QuadBee is a great idea, and I'll participate as soon as I can be bothered.

Yes, BUT just before Arthur and Fenchurch picked him up, he explained that because of all the errands he was required to do by various people he was actually several times older than the universe itself. He could have achieved this between the eras of the Kakrafoon Disaster Area gig and the restaurant at the end of the universe (though it was only five hundred and seventy-six thousand and two million years - he'd have to have been round it a few times) but it's more likely that he's around at the start, the middle and the end somewhere besides. However, Marvin didn't turn up for Mostly Harmless and was only in the penultimate chapter of SLATFATFish. Although he did appear on the South Bank Show in Dirk Gently's waiting room wearing a mouldy old raincoat. What makes the books good (besides the writing, the characters and the silliness) is the fact that there's a plot and the fact that this plot IS WRITTEN BY SOMEONE ELSE.
The DNA site mentions that a few things in the Salmon of Doubt looked to belong in an HHGG book - if this is so and meant to be, DNA will create it. He's done pretty well so far in guessing what the readers want so he can probably manage it again if he wants to. It'll be a while anyway - he's got to convince Disney not to miscast the HHGG film at the moment.

Ready?

When I came up with the idea of Mach Two uploading itself into Marvin, I was thinking about that final chapter in the fourth book:
_________
''So much time,'' it groaned, ''oh so much time. And pain as well,
so much of that, and so much time to suffer it in too. One or the
other on its own I could probably manage. It's the two together
that really get me down. Oh hello, you again.''
_________

I was also thinking about the very first time we meet Marvin in the first book:
__________
"...I'll send the robot down to get them and bring them up here. Hey Marvin!''

In the corner, the robot's head swung up sharply, but then wobbled about imperceptibly. It pulled itself up to its feet as if it was about five pounds heavier that it actually was, and made what an outside observer would have thought was a heroic effort to cross the room. It stopped in front of Trillian and seemed to stare through her left shoulder.

''I think you ought to know I'm feeling very depressed,'' it said.
__________


You ought to know before we go any farther, that during both of those instances, and every time we see Marvin the Paranoid Android, something very strange is going on inside his mind. We don't notice it. No one ever asks him about it. We only see the effect. We don't know what's causing his depression. We assume he just has a screw loose somewhere.

Mach Two's Reverse Temporal Engineering makes this possible, and because no one asks him, Marvin never tells anybody. He never does anything about it. All of this is explained in detail here:

Brain the Size of a Planet
http://www.h2g2.com/P85529

The Marvin we see at the end of the fourth book is where Marvin dies. Temporally however, younger versions of him still exist. In fact, Marvin will survive the Big Crunch \ Big Bang, exist in Reality Two, and then after a certain period of time, he will go BACK THRU the Big Bang in order to return to Reality One, at which point he will eventually find himself at the Quentulus Quazgar Mountains staring at God's Final Message to His Creation.

Who do you think God was talking to?
____________

''Arthur,'' hissed Fenchurch in his ear sharply, ''you never told me
of this. What have you done to this poor creature?''

''Nothing,'' insisted Arthur sadly, ''he's always like this ...''

''Ha!'' snapped Marvin.
___________

It's true. He is always like this. That's the beauty of this idea. The Guide Mach Two is the reason why Marvin has always been depressed.

__________

They tried to see if they could get him some spare parts at one of the booths, but Marvin would have none of it.

''I'm all spare parts,'' he droned.

''Let me be!'' he groaned.

''Every part of me,'' he moaned, ''has been replaced at least fifty times ... except ...'' He seemed almost imperceptibly to brighten for a moment. His head bobbed between them with the effort of memory. ''Do you remember, the first time you ever met me,'' he said at last to Arthur. ''I had been given the intellect-stretching task of taking you up to the bridge? I mentioned to you that I had this terrible pain in all the diodes down my left side? That I had asked for them to be replaced but they never were?''

He left a longish pause before he continued. They carried him on between them, under the baking sun that hardly ever seemed to move, let alone set.

''See if you can guess,'' said Marvin, when he judged that the pause had become embarrassing enough, ''which parts of me were never replaced? Go on, see if you can guess.

''Ouch,'' he added, ''ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch.''

__________

And just guess where the Mach Two is hiding.

As I said, I have some serious plans for Marvin. When I'm done with him, you can have what's left. He should be in relatively the same condition he's always been.

Because he has always been this way. Nothing can change that.

Pure brilliance! Sometimes I surprise myself. Now pardon me while I go put on my snazzy double pair of Joo Janta 200 Super-Chromatic Peril Sensitive Sunglasses. Just in case someone comes along to try and ruin a good ego-stroking.

Stop quoting at me. I can remember them well enough without having them open in front of me. MARK two, please.

I prefer Mach Two, although it does sound a bit like a razor.

But it means something different and wrong, that's the point. When you're up against someone who puts little horizontal lines all over the screen you don't have much hope of maintaining coherence. Might as well give up.

-------------------------------

Ha, submit, Wingpigge!

Those are mere hyphens, cunningly repeated to give the impression of there being a line.
I won't give up. It was unfortunate the I chanced upon BBBB after a particularly unpleasant exam; nevertheless, some things should not be.

Hyphens pretending to be a line should not be.

The _____ horizontal lines were there because I couldn't use or to separate the quotes from the books from my own rambling. You can't use html in the forums.

And the Mach/Mark misspellings have already been explained elsewhere. If you actually read the QuadBee project pages that you are negatively criticising, you would know this.

Goodness gracious, Wingpig! You're taking this way too personally! It's supposed to be fun!

If you're not enjoying QuadBee, don't look at it. There's plenty of other things in h2g2.com to have fun with too. QuadBee is a very small corner of this website.

I'm not saying we can write book six better than DNA. Douglas Adams is busy and if he ever wants to write a sixth book he'll do it in his own time, his own way, and will most certainly ignore everything we write regarding it. This is simply something to do for fun while we wait for him to get around to writing the sixth book. If in fact he ever will. After the end of book five, I think he's made it very clear he's done.

If he's not, QuadBee will not affect his creativity in any way whatsoever.

What's really bugging you, Wingpig?

Wingpig's scared of lines on the screen, which, incidentally, separate the messages in forums. I wonder if he/she/it tries to ignore them in forums.

Perhaps he just has a fear of widths?

I fear wideness in a human form, especially when it's wobbly and says "Gee Marsha, there's an adorable little scotch restaurant where we can have lunch" whilst standing in the middle of the pavement taking photographs of authentic gift shops. I get irritated by people that swim widths in swimming pools, thereby blocking people wanting to swim properly. To duplicate the efect of a , I usually settle for pressing

return

a few times.

How, exactly, might one be scared of widths?

What's "really bugging me" as you put it is the same thing that "really bugged me" about Placebo's use of a certain Fish lyric in their recent single, the Eurovision winner's use of a certain Live lyric, The Aloof's use of a certain Radiohead chord sequence, even though Radiohead are themselves irritating for being so pretentious.

My favourite width is 42cm.

So when Ray Parker Jr sued Huey Lewis and the News some years ago because the song "I Want A New Drug" had a vaguely similar chord structure to the theme to Ghostbusters, you were rootin' for Ray Parker the whole way weren't you?

Or was it Huey Lewis suing Ray Parker? Y'know I honestly can't remember.

Y'know what I did at the time? I ignored it. Why? Because the argument was just as silly as having a fear of widths.

Or a fear of cabbages.