The authors are responding to the Post Writing Challenge of advertising the un-advertisable. As usual, they paid no attention to the instructions. (So what else is new?)

As usual, the results are gratifying. Rules be darned.

As usual, we repeat the instructions – not because anybody pays attention to them – but just as a general reference.

Write, compose, draw or even film an ad. But – and here's the kicker – it has to be something you can't BUY. Something intangible but necessary, such as peace, math ability, or a decent sense of humour. You may OFFER TO SELL this commodity, but only in an impractical way. Take your payment in smileys, hugs, or guru sweat-equity, whatever.

And now…

Our newest contributor, frannie, has not only sussed out a product that everybody needs and wants, but offered it at what this editor considers to be a totally reasonable price.

The testimonials are stunning. Go, frannie¹. – DG

Have you ever found yourself replaying a conversation in your head and suddenly thought of a witty remark you could have said? Or been placed in an awkward situation and been lost for words? Have you ever agreed to something because you couldn't find the right way to say no? Sounds familiar? Do you envy friends who have the ability to say the right thing at the right time? Well worry no more. Serenity is an exciting new product that makes those situations a thing of the past. Serenity is a lightweight handheld device that resembles an mp3 player, complete with earpiece. You simply carry Serenity on your person, either in your pocket or handbag and attach the earpiece. When you need a quick response, the device transmits your conversation via the mobile telephone network to a team of experts and at the touch of a button the appropriate answer is relayed into your ear. Sounds too good to be true? Here are some testimonials from satisfied customers.

• Hilda Buncle from Bristol says: Serenity has changed my life. I used to dread the weekly meetings of our local church group. It always seemed to be me, that was left to make cakes or knit balaclavas. Even though Jane from the butchers had so much time on her hands now the twins have grown up, and Percy is on a walking tour of the highlands. And Agnes never got asked because of her Alopecia. It got to the stage where my marriage was suffering. Arthur liked his spotted dick on a Monday, but he was most put out when he had to forego it, because I had to make thirty fairy cakes for the church fete. And when I told him I didn't have time to help him complete his jigsaw puzzle, because I had to knit twenty bobble hats for the poor kiddies in Africa, he went up to his shed. Things had to change. When I saw Serenity advertised in the free paper on the bus, I sent off for one straight away. I haven't looked back. When Mrs Chippendale (our chair, no pun intended), asked me if I wouldn't mind making costumes for the boy scouts play, I reached into my pocket and used my Serenity. I will always remember her face when I told her that as a pensioner I didn't have the funds or resources to help her, and that surely her good friend Marco the tailor, was better placed to volunteer than me. After all she saw him regularly for fittings when Mr Chippendale was away on business. Thank you, Serenity, for giving me back my Arthur.
• Sharon Sharpe from Radstock says: There was this girl in my work who hated me. She was right pretty and slim and all. She'd see me in the canteen and always had to say something horrible. Specially that time I had my hair done, like the girl from Hollyoaks and she said I looked like a fat tart. Mum said I should have said something, but I ain't like that, I just get upset and swear and I hate people making me do that. Anyway, Auntie Shirley got me a Serenity, the luxury one, 'cos Auntie Shirley always buys the best. It was pretty cool, 'cos I got a pink one, and I like things like that. It worked as well. I don't even know what a 'wizened screw with the personality of an amoeba' is, but Jason from accounts laughed when I said it, and he's lush. She don't bother me now, and funny thing is, I aint eating so many doughnuts no more².
• Jim Davies from Hull says:. I don't go much on gadgets. Never really had the time for them. But according to wife, I don't know when to shut my mouth. She reckons I am too blunt. I'm not always right, but I'm not often wrong. Just say it like it is. Speak as I find. Trouble is people take offence. Take it the wrong way. That's all changed now. I don't just blurt out what I'm thinking. Not saying I don't think it, because I do, I just don't say it anymore. Some bloke tells me what to say through this earpiece thingy. Seems to work. Still got me job, it was touch and go at one time. Mates just think I'm a bit mutton and I've gone a bit soft in me old age. Anyway, that Serenity gadget is alright, as gadgets go.

Serenity comes complete with earpiece, packaged in a handy plastic case. The basic model offers the option of one touch response. The luxury model offers the additional options of Basic response mode, Witty response mode, Technical response mode (for those times when faced with a situation where you may be blinded by science) and Angry response mode (for those times when smiling nicely just won't do). Our team of experts are chosen for their intelligence, honesty and integrity.

Serenity is yours to buy for the simple introductory price of 'a moment of your time'³. Send away for your key to happiness today at the address below⁴.

frannie

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