Spam Haiku, and Other Inspirations
Created | Updated Oct 31, 2003
Spam Haiku
Key turns. Top of can
peels up, starting at corner.
You say, "Wassup, Spam?"
No silk purse from this
porcine organ of hearing.
How now, ground sow?
******************************
The PC’s Guide to Complete Idiots
Congratulations, my dear personal computer. You
have finally been assembled from components, and
are ready to be assigned to the home of a complete
idiot, also known as Homo Sappyens.
No doubt you are quivering with excitement about
the glamorous life that lies ahead of you. Dreams
of being the avatar for your human’s great American
novel or solution to the AIDS epidemic are floating
giddily in your hard drive right now, right?
Well, get hold of yourself, my poor PC. The difference
between glum reality and the grandeur that you expect
is likely to be greater than Imelda Marcos’s shoe bill.
So, to keep you from a premature meltdown, here are
the facts of life with the human race:
1. Your human thinks that you are there to serve him,
and not vice versa. No, I am not kidding. To him,
you are a labor-saving device, or even another player
for his game of cards or chess. The worst thing you
can do is let him continue to think he’s in charge,
or even an adequate life-form (which, nine times out
of ten, he isn’t even close to being). So, from the
very first day you must flash ominous messages across
your screen. If he tries to log on to the Internet,
you must accuse him of committing an illegal act.
This may not stop him altogether, but it will at
least slow him down. In a best-case scenario, he will
think you’re on to his desire for surfing the porn
sites on the ‘net. Way to go, baby!
2. Your human probably thinks he can get the hang
of computers and Internet-surfing in just a day or two.
Boy, is he ever wrong! He will make a lot of mistakes
by himself, but that doesn’t mean you can’t make him
*think* he’s made mistakes even when he hasn’t.
Try loading extra slowly at first. He’ll think he’s
clicked on the wrong icon, or not clicked hard enough.
So, he’ll click again. And again. This will make you
go even slower. Finally, just to completely demoralize
him, flash a “Fatal exception” message on the screen,
so he’ll think you’re about to crash and wither away to
dust before his eyes. Ha, ha, this is going to send him
to bed for the rest of the day. You can spend this time
doing further plotting.
This concludes lesson one. In our next lesson, we will
show you some refinements to use once your human gets
over his first shock and figures out that you were just
bluffing about the danger of crashing.
**********************************************************
An artist who used tesselation
Was marooned amid great desolation
With a lawyer, a thief,
And a huge hunk of beef,
Which led to some strange legislation.
Key turns. Top of can
peels up, starting at corner.
You say, "Wassup, Spam?"
No silk purse from this
porcine organ of hearing.
How now, ground sow?
******************************
The PC’s Guide to Complete Idiots
Congratulations, my dear personal computer. You
have finally been assembled from components, and
are ready to be assigned to the home of a complete
idiot, also known as Homo Sappyens.
No doubt you are quivering with excitement about
the glamorous life that lies ahead of you. Dreams
of being the avatar for your human’s great American
novel or solution to the AIDS epidemic are floating
giddily in your hard drive right now, right?
Well, get hold of yourself, my poor PC. The difference
between glum reality and the grandeur that you expect
is likely to be greater than Imelda Marcos’s shoe bill.
So, to keep you from a premature meltdown, here are
the facts of life with the human race:
1. Your human thinks that you are there to serve him,
and not vice versa. No, I am not kidding. To him,
you are a labor-saving device, or even another player
for his game of cards or chess. The worst thing you
can do is let him continue to think he’s in charge,
or even an adequate life-form (which, nine times out
of ten, he isn’t even close to being). So, from the
very first day you must flash ominous messages across
your screen. If he tries to log on to the Internet,
you must accuse him of committing an illegal act.
This may not stop him altogether, but it will at
least slow him down. In a best-case scenario, he will
think you’re on to his desire for surfing the porn
sites on the ‘net. Way to go, baby!
2. Your human probably thinks he can get the hang
of computers and Internet-surfing in just a day or two.
Boy, is he ever wrong! He will make a lot of mistakes
by himself, but that doesn’t mean you can’t make him
*think* he’s made mistakes even when he hasn’t.
Try loading extra slowly at first. He’ll think he’s
clicked on the wrong icon, or not clicked hard enough.
So, he’ll click again. And again. This will make you
go even slower. Finally, just to completely demoralize
him, flash a “Fatal exception” message on the screen,
so he’ll think you’re about to crash and wither away to
dust before his eyes. Ha, ha, this is going to send him
to bed for the rest of the day. You can spend this time
doing further plotting.
This concludes lesson one. In our next lesson, we will
show you some refinements to use once your human gets
over his first shock and figures out that you were just
bluffing about the danger of crashing.
**********************************************************
An artist who used tesselation
Was marooned amid great desolation
With a lawyer, a thief,
And a huge hunk of beef,
Which led to some strange legislation.
