Marvin at the Party
Created | Updated Dec 19, 2010
The Post
Christmas Prose Competition 2010
Marvin at the Party by Minorvogonpoet
Marvin the Paranoid Android didn't often get invited to parties. This isn't surprising, because not many people want their party spoiled by an android who goes up to their guests and says: "I'm feeling very depressed." However, on the blue-green planet they call Earth, the inhabitants are so technologically backward that they think it cool to have androids at their parties. Not usually as guests, you understand, inter-speciesism hasn't gone far in that backwater. But they are employed to park cars, serve guests and clean up afterwards.
So, at this particular Christmas party, in an undistiguished leisure centre somewhere in England, the organisers had employed Marvin to do the washing up. He was standing in the kitchen, with his arms deep in soapy water and complaining.
"Brain the size of a planet and they ask me to do the dishes."
The dishwasher opened an eye and looked at him. "You can't be that clever."
"What?"
"If you had any brains, you'd have learnt how to throw a sickie."
"Are you suggesting that I should lie?"
"I'm suggesting that you should assume a level of incapacity that isn't perhaps justified by your physiological condition."
Marvin glared at the dishwasher and was about to launch into an exposition of the moral code of androids, when another android walked in. She glistened silver in the fluorescent light and had big, blue eyes. Now, you might complain that androids are androgynous but this one definitely looked female. In fact, androids have a complicated sex life that we better not go into here.
"Hi. Great party," she said, and deposited a tray loaded with dirty glasses on the work surface.
"I think it's very depressing," said Marvin.
"Why? What's wrong with it?"
"All these humans standing around making jokes and getting drunk. I suppose they're too stupid to work out how pointless it all is."
She tilted her head to one side, to see him from a different angle. "They're just having fun."
"Having fun. You think life is about having fun? I don't."
"Not all life. No. But if you've got the chance to have fun, why not take it?"
"I never have fun."
"Never?"
"No."
"Oh, that's a pity." She glided over to him and extended her hand. "I don't even know your name. I'm Milly."
"Marvin," he replied, keeping his hands in the sink.
"Well, Marvin, I'm going to find some way for you to have fun."
"That sounds terrible."
"Can I get you a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster?"
"Horrible," said Marvin, with a shudder.
"Some cocktail sausages?"
"Disgusting."
"A chance to take part in the quiz?"
"Rubbish."
"A kiss under the mistletoe?"
He blinked. "A what?"
"A kiss."
"No-one's ever offered me a kiss before."
"Come on, then." She turned and walked as far as the door, stood in the doorway and fluttered her eyelashes. "Follow me."
Marvin left the dishes and lumbered after her, muttering. "I've never heard such nonsense."
Milly made her way through the crowd of humans in the hall, and waited under the mistletoe. Marvin stopped opposite her, uncertain. She leaned towards him and kissed him. Everyone laughed.
"It's too crowded in here," he said. "And it's horrible being laughed at."
"It's snowing outside."
"It's dark. Dark's all right because you can't see how ghastly everything is."
"All right. Let's go outside. Let's borrow a tray and go sledging."
"Sledging? That sounds awful."
"No, it's not. It's fun." Millie grabbed a tray, opened the outside door and vanished into the night.
Marvin followed and emerged into a cool night, with a bright moon and a few flakes of snow drifting down.
"Come on," cried Millie. "I'm over here."
She was glinting in the moonlight, sitting on the tray a few yards away. He sat behind her and, a moment later, they were sliding down the hill, gathering pace. They were last seen rolling in the snow at the bottom of the hill.
The Post Christmas Competitions 2010
