The Post Horror Scope
Created | Updated Jul 11, 2002
I have been looking into my near future this week, and have drawn the sad conclusion that there will be no Horror Scope next week, as I will be away in, if not sunny climbs, at least in a different county. I know how disappointed my legions of fans will be, but I
ask you to harden your hearts and get a stiff upper lip, and wait for just a short while, for I shall be back very soon. Invigorated and refreshed, and hopefully well rested.
In the meantime, stay away from strange colours, eat plenty of vegetables, treat lower life-forms as you would wish them to treat you and keep your towel handy for emergencies.
The Horror Scope is divided rather neatly up into twelve sections, January through to
December, and you will be able to tell which section you fall under by looking to the day
you joined h2g2.
For those of you with limited understanding, I will explain further. If you joined h2g2 on the 25th April 2001, then your section will be April and you can read your future under that section heading.
There have been a couple of queries in the last few weeks about what happens if you have rejoined h2g2 with a brand new number, and do not know your original number. The answer to that is easily solved, use your new one. If on the other hand, you know the date of your last joining, and want to know which date to use. Then that is just as easy to answer, pick the one that you want to use, there's nothing I love more than people deciding their own destiny.
JANUARY
The mythical limerick maker bids me to tell you...
There was a young man from Glamorgan
Who was quite unnerved by his organ
It had an enormous great bellow
That quite petrified the fellow
That he decided to play instead for a Demo gorgon.
FEBRUARY
A little bit of what you fancy does you good, but don't overindulge on life’s rich Bounty. Don't Snicker behind your friends back, for you may become distanced from your friend like Mars is from the Milky Way in this big Galaxy of ours. Don't be caught Twix't a rock and a hard place, do not waver from your Topic, and remain stead face, play a game of Skittle's, and look forward to the Ripple's of Celebrations to come.
MARCH
Whatever you do today, do not read the prediction that is four below this one, it will bring you bad luck.
APRIL
The Mist in the Crystal Ball parted today and revealed that you have quite an adventure in front of you. You will dine at the most exclusive of restaurants, dance away the night at an exclusive nightclub and travel in a Chauffer driven Rolls Royce.
Oh hang on, I've got that slightly wrong, it seems you are going to be asked to cater for a large number of people, for a fund-raising dance, and you will run out of bread rolls.
Sorry about that...
MAY
Mars and Uranus are in conjunction at the moment, leading to what could be a very sticky situation, my advice is to stop what you are doing right now, and immerse yourself in warm water to get rid of any left over chocolate.
JUNE
You have noticed that you have been putting on weight lately, no doubt due to your excessive lifestyle. It may be a good idea to go on a diet, the only trouble is, what colour?
JULY
Whatever you do today, do not read the Horror Scope that is four above this one, it'll just prove that you are nosey.
AUGUST
The Wobble if the Mystical Jelly Mould reveals that it is time for to give up an old grudge and buy yourself a nice sparkly new one. After all, isn't your car worth it?
SEPTEMBER
You feel very refreshed today, and have an overwhelming compulsion to leave treats for a much beloved friend.
OCTOBER
I sense a strange presence is keeping you company at the moment, others will notice this oddness and try to keep away from you. Don't worry, it will not last more than a day or so, but in future if you want to stop this from recurring, try cutting down on the garlic.
NOVEMBER
You keep being awakened by a strange recurring dream where you are being chased through a field by a flying machine. My advise is to change direction, try South by Southeast to really confuse the pilot.
DECEMBER
The Whingy Board had a message for you from an old man who is cousin to your brother on your mothers side, twice removed.
'Don't blink, or you'll miss it.'
~Greebo clicks her fingers~
DISCLAIMER
As we all know fortune telling is not an exact science, so Greebo T. Cat, The Post and indeed h2g2 cannot be held responsible for anything printed in The Horror Scope that is not one hundred percent truthful. To be honest, I think you should all be jolly happy if one percent of the predictions come true.
This statement in no way refutes Ms Cat's mystical gifts. So there!!!
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