Student life - a dysfunctional guide
Created | Updated Jul 16, 2002
So, what can be said about the ever-popular but sometimes ridiculously insane state of existence commonly used to bridge the gap between being a clueless, neurotic adolescent and a fully-fledged, independent adult that is student life? Indeed it would be logical to start by stating the Oxford dictionary definition of this most dysfunctional of creatures, the student.
"Student, stu'dent, n; one who studies; a scholar; a bookish person"
However, when asked what springs to mind when the expression "student life" is mentioned, would the average person on the street explain the works of unbelievable young geniuses leading a life of abstinence from frivolity to dedicate themselves totally to unleashing the rich pleasures of their intellect? "Well no!" I hear you cry. Chances are your mind is more likely to be filled with slightly hazy drunken images of mindless buffoonery, excessive beerdrinking, squalid, cluttered excuses for flats and many outrageously silly but completely unforgettable parties. It appears that on leaving school, the prowess of a student is judged by his or her peers not on academic ability but on the quantity of alcohol they can consume before, and indeed, after vomiting (As for during vomiting, don't even go there!). So, what effect does this rampant lifestyle of romping and gallivanting have upon the individual? The following case studies show just a few helplessly unfortunate victims who have succumbed to the epidemic of craziness sweeping through universities and colleges everywhere. May they serve as a warning to us all!
1. BEWARE OF THOSE DEBAUCHEROUS INDIVIDUALS WHO WISH TO CORRUPT YOUR UNWORLDLY MIND WITH THEIR DEVILISH POWERS OF SEDUCTION
Romulus Womit, a rather innocent law undergraduate, gleefully crammed his possessions into his suitcase, kissing his doting and slightly overprotective mother goodbye and fleeing like a fledgling from a nest to the vast world of excitement, freedom, and previously forbidden pleasures that is university. On arrival at his new, surprisingly cosy abode at his mother's friend's house, he applied with joyous enthusiasm for many assorted jobs, which somehow had to be squeezed with the all the ungainly difficulty of inserting toothpaste back into the tube into his already packed social and academic calendar. Not astonishingly, his comfortable suburban existence did not last, as he was overpoweringly tempted into moving into a nightmarish flat in the middle of nowhere as far as the location of the university was concerned, with a much older woman who had demonically seduced him. A room with a view at least, or rather a view with a room? Life from then on was as downhill as a fall from a cliff, as he gradually came to realise that all his real-life Mrs Robinson wanted was a naïve young student to take advantage of who would also most conveniently pay half the rent. As the weeks went by, endless nights of red-bull-fuelled essay writing in a typically silent library stacked full of musty, leather-bound books became increasingly frequent and drinking beer at the pub swiftly evolved from tangible reality to the subject of an almost hallucinogenic semi-conscious daydream at the back of a monotonous lecture on the European Court of Human Rights. He quickly became so poor that his only escape, short of selling a selection of his less vital body parts on ebay, was to scuttle home with his tail between his legs, leaving Mrs Robinson to find her next sweet and unsuspecting victim...
2. DROWNING ONE'S SORROWS SIMPLY AMOUNT TO YET MORE SORROWS FLOATING TO THE SURFACE OF YOUR LIFE LIKE THAT PESKY SLURRY IN YOUR GARDEN POND
Following poor performance in end of year examinations, Ivor Spewgloop set off for the end of year ball, his mind possessed by the sole intention of drowning his sorrows, or in his own articulate terms at the end of the evening "sorrowing all those horrible little drowns!" His recollection of the night's events were slightly hazy although rumour has it he consumed an unbelievably copious quantity of alcohol on a crazy drinking spree which amounted to his participation in Abba karaoke whilst bopping insanely on a table. Approximately 10 pints later, he found himself stumbling back onto the jolly bus, accompanied by a female admirer of unknown identity he had acquired during his exploits. Despite the fact that he required a multitude of pokes and prods to maintain his consciousness, the journey home was relatively comfortable. That was until the sudden eruption of protest from his vital organs, during which he ejected the contents of his stomach into the aisle. Somehow he managed to cling onto the respect of the aforementioned admirer, at least until the next morning when she realised in a fit of terror what she had done. When he was finally deposited with extreme disdain at the bus stop, he slowly stumbled back through town to his dwelling, taking several naps in incredibly peculiar places along the way. Fortunately he eventually managed to arrive home in his bewildered, meandering entirety by late morning the following day. That is if you do not count Ivor's shoes as part of that entirety, as they mysteriously disappeared from the face of the earth during his wander home and are assumed to have been abducted by a passer-by as his flaccid, dribbling body slumbered and snored in the middle of a path in the park.
3. CONTRAY TO POPULAR BELIEF, UNIVERSITY IS *NOT* A DATING AGENCY
Gertrude, a student with an average brain but many options, sat at the kitchen table pondering over whether to accept that modelling job for an exclusive designer brand in London, or to spend the next few years enjoying the multitude of pleasures of university. Despite the city's promise of fame, glamour and riches, three years of unsophisticated flat dwelling, beerdrinking and furiously scribbling complex essays throughout the night somehow seemed like a strangely attractive challenge. Deciding that the modelling could indeed wait, Gertrude packed her bags and gleefully wandered down to the station. Her mother sadly kissed goodbye and plonked her onto the train with the following piece of advice:
"Enjoy yourself darling! Remember, I don't care if you come back with no academic qualifications whatsoever as long as you have a great time and find yourself a suitably respectable and intellectual husband!"
On arrival at University, Gertrude slipped into her funkiest outfit and trundled out in joyous anticipation to the bright lights of the intimate university town's pubs and clubs. Rapidly, she discovered a wide spectrum of various intelligent chaps. Firstly there was Wallace, who wanted to be a rocket scientist and was most humorous but also happened to be chronically uncool. Then there was Cuthbert, an absolute genius who was certainly going to be a scientific researcher and also managed to be extremely interesting, but he too was a big no as he had yet to grasp the concept of personal hygiene since leaving home... and then there was Denzil, and Geoffrey, and Frederick, but no, none of them met Gertrude's high standards. After the initial few weeks during which her Psychology course seemed quite a novelty, her life quickly evolved into one huge celebration of insanity and drunken debauchery, which unfortunately happened to be randomly punctuated by a few lectures here and there. This peculiar mode of existence took a turn for the worse when she failed all her mock exams at Christmas, by which point she was becoming alarmingly short of money and still had yet to meet her ideal future hubby. Finally the end of year ball arrived, which was to be everyone's last night of freedom and frivolity before the unspeakably dreaded and demonic occasion that was the end of year exams...
"Derek!?" exclaimed Gertrude as she awoke from her slumber with a skull-crushing headache and her tongue adhered to the roof of her mouth through excessive alcohol consumption. Her eyes gradually focused onto the grinning features of a strangely unfamiliar chap. The events of the ball appeared distinctly hazy in her mind and after the 5th beer she had no recollection whatsoever. She therefore was completely confused as to the nature of the chain of incidents that amounted to her spending the night, or the early hours of the morning to be more precise, dozing in the Law library with this random unidentified being.
So who was this Derek? He too was totally unaware of the preceding night, during which he had temporarily managed to forget his own name through copiously stomaching a multitude of various alcoholic beverages and, feeling that a girl has to improvise in these circumstances, Gertrude had decided to christen her new bestest buddy "Derek". It was only now that could find out his true identity. So was this Derek a misguided dustman who had mistakenly blundered in on the most fabulous of occasions that was the University ball? Or perhaps he was some haphazardly befuddled student struggling to retain his undeserved place on the Surfing Studies course? Surprisingly not! The details imparted by this most mysterious of creatures when questioned on himself read as follows:
Rufus Herbertson, 19 years old, captain of Doofendaal College Rugby team, black belts in judo, ludo and cluedo, proud owner of 5 A-level grade A's, editor of Doofendaal College weekly magazine, top chess player in the university, regular member of the debating team and future medical doctor.
Phew! At last a man who she could proudly present to her mother. On extrapolating their dishevelled bodies from underneath the table in the library, having said his fond farewell and scrawled his phone number on her arm in permanent marker, each of them bumbled off in their own separate directions to face the torturous struggle of exams alone. In anticipation of the days when Rufus would once again be an exam-free zone and they would both once again be able to hit the town causing havoc and leaving a trail of chaos in their wake, Gertrude perched in her study unable to concentrate on studying, just sitting and smirking and twiddling her fingers and toes.
Rufus is now in jail for undisclosed reasons and is undergoing a rigorous counselling system for compulsive liars. Needless to say, Gertrude failed each and every one of her exams and was swiftly extracted from the university.
