The Ex Files

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An entry dedicated to the victims of H2G2's greatest lover (allegedly)

Excerpts From Apollo's Diary

My first real girlfriend was Britney Spears. I met her while I was waiting for my sister outside her ballet class. When Britney and I first saw each other we were smitten. However, she was only 6 yrs old and I was 9 yrs old, so we both knew it would never work out. However, we both treasure the relationship we had together and she still writes to me often. She was devastated when I blew her out and started dating Jennifer Love Hewitt.

When I first saw Jennifer (or Love as I liked to call her) she was in my biology class bending over a hot Bunsen burner. We got talking about to anaerobic bacteria and we ended up dating for a while. Sadly after I met Sarah at the golf club things were never the same and we broke up. Love calls me often - mostly at night after she has been drinking. I think she misses me a lot.

I met Sarah Michelle Gellar at the Golf Club my father belonged to. I dated her during my junior year in high school but it was always a tense and difficult relationship because she was very rough with me. Often our playful tussles turned out to be hand-to-hand tussles - she was too good with her feet and fists for me and as the bruises were getting harder and harder to explain it put a strain on our relationship. After she started coming home at 4am in the morning covered in blood I just had to call it a day with Sarah and we parted. Sarah calls me often - mostly at night after she has been out on the streets killing vampires.

Deciding that I'd had enough of trouble for a while I went on holiday to Oklahoma to get away from all the beautiful girls that were forever chasing me and making my life a misery. On my return home by Greyhound I had to sit at the back next to a supermodel named Caprice. We spent the entire trip home talking to each other and started dating once we got back to Illinois. I took her to my Senior Prom where she was a hit. Caprice went a bit psycho on me and I had to file a Restraining Order. That was the end to our relationship, or so I thought...

I was devastated after my relationship with Caprice ended. I didn't really feel like going out. One night during the summer before my freshman year in college, I went to this Charity Ball benefiting AIDS and I met Jennifer Aniston. We both were recovering from long relationships and we were there to comfort each other. We started dating but it was very hard because she was always filming movies or her TV show "Friends" and I was at college. She was more than eager and begged me to give her a chance but by that time Elizabeth Hurley had already dumped Hugh to be with me and had moved in with me at College.

Elizabeth never really got on with my friends Red Dog and Uncle Heavy and if they weren't good enough for her then she was not good enough for me. I always stick by my friends so I ditched Elizabeth.

It was when I was having a celebratory drink with the boys when I met Jennifer Lopez. She was in town filming a movie and happened to pop into Bob's Country Bunker for a quick one. Well she saw me from across the room and literally shoved Red and Unc out of the way to get to me. I was flattered on account that Unc was wearing his Hybiscus shirt at the time which normally would keep females clear in a 2 block radius.

Jennifer didn't last long - far too demanding on my time and I didn't really approve of those skimpy little dresses. She took to drinking and hanging around with gangster rappers in a desperate attempt to get over me. When she was recently arrested for allegedly shooting someone outside a New York City club, she used her one phone call to call me for help. I told her that I was not surprised that she was in prison and that she needs to keep better company.

To help me get over this bad experience soeasilyamused set me up on a blind date with a thin girl called Christina Aguilera. I had no idea who she was. I went on one date with her and that was enough for me. Brain the size of a pea and the dress sense of Uncle Heavy. She calls me from time-to-time, but I refuse to call her back.

Britney Spears and I started dating each other again during the summer before last but we were never able to rekindle the chemistry we had when we were kids. I still dated her for the duration of the summer, but we both knew that it was not meant to be.

I started dating Anna Kournikova soon after breaking up with Britney the second time. I met her at a tennis club and we hit it off. She was never able to beat me at tennis which I think frustrated her and soured what could have been a great relationship. We dated each other for nearly three months, which was my longest relationship until Nicole Kidman seduced me and kept me as a love prisoner for the summer of 2001 after little Tom hooked up with that Spanish bimbo. I brought Nicole to a couple of my fraternity functions and all my fraternity brothers spent the night staring at her. This really upset me as we were supposed to be watching the football on the TV and so she had to go as well.

I started dating Shannon Elizabeth during this past summer. She really is a nice girl. She was able to beat me at tennis, which is something Anna was unable to do. We were getting along really well until this movie called "American Pie" came out. She was half-nude in the movie and I was very uncomfortable with this. She promised she would never do it again. A month later, I was over my friend's house and he had the recent Playboy magazine on his coffee table. On the cover was Shannon Elizabeth posing nude. I broke-up with her later that night.

After I ended my relationship with Shannon, I bumped into Monica Lewinsky ...... I apologized and kept on walking.

This was a good thing because right around the corner I saw Caprice coming out of the therapist's office. We got talking and she told me that she was fully recovered. We have been dating each other since last week, and things seem to be going great so far .... except for the fact that Claudia Schiffer seems to have gotten hold of my number somehow. Perhaps she got it from that fruit cake Naomi Campbell. Now that's a story worth telling .........

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Ten Reasons for Dating Apollo

  1. You know it won't last long.
  2. All your friends have and you have to know.
  3. You've seen "Misery" on the TV and want to know more about the feeling.
  4. Golden thongs are in this year
  5. Golden thighs are never out
  6. There's something about Greek Gods
  7. Once you've had Gold you never grow Old
  8. Once you've had Greek you'll never be Meek
  9. you're dying to see how a little goes a long way
  10. Who needs multiple orgasms anyway

An Interview with Apollo

On the 27th June just hours before going on a trip with an unidentified woman (know only to our researchers a "Filly") we caught up with the great Apollo who provided us with an insight into the great lover.

Interviewer: You are up there with Casanova, Napoleon, Warren Beatty, Ace Frehley and Uncle Heavy as one of the greatest lovers of all time. What's the real Apollo like - the one we don't read about in the papers every day - you have a chance to put the record straight on the power, fame, money, sex and madness associated with your status as a living legend.

Apollo: (Laughing) Oh yeah! If I exposed the real life Apollo it wouldn't be pretty. A lot of fans would be shocked and frankly I am amazed that some fans cannot believe that I'm just zis ordinary guy.

Interviewer: Your frequent exposes in the national press are certainly eye openers and always an entertaining read. I can't remember laughing so much as when I heard about you and the party of Irish Nuns. Have you been pleased with reactions to that and some of your other notorious escapades ?

Apollo: The reactions have been incredible and so extreme. Either people love me or hate me. Guys seem either to fall into the "Go Apollo- that's our Boy" or the "Oh no not Golden Thighs again" schools of thought. Girls just seem to ...... well I think you know my affect on the ladies. As for the Nuns I've been on record many times that they have a known thing for deities and what happened is between me, them and the park keeper. I certainly do evoke strong emotions (laughs again).

Interviewer: Your well publicized fling with Pamela is rumoured to have caused her to be sacked from Baywatch. Do you have any comment on that ?

Apollo: David Hassellhoff has always been jealous of me and he took it out on that poor girl. I got him back by dating his Mom for a week though.


"I left the SOB over 200 voicemails and he never once returned one. If that wasn't bad enough the hourly text messages I sent were ignored as well. I really went over the top when he changed the locks on his place to stop me getting in during the small hours of the morning. I'm never going to talk to him again today."

"It's hard enough getting over someone, but when that someone is Apollo it's so much harder. I had to park over three blocks away from his house just to get to the end of the ex-girlfriend queue. I got a ticket and they towed my car away."

"God, I was naïve. I took his fidelity for granted. I hated having to go back to Tommy Lee and beg him to take me back."

"I was in my 30's, recently separated and missing little Tommy so much that I had to get back home to Australia. It was just a relief not being in Hollywood that I was really getting better. Then I met Apollo and it all changed for the worse. Sure we had our ups and downs but it was still a great relationship and really thought he was "the one". Sadly he thought I was the "three thousandth and one". Duh. "

"When I found out that I was 8 weeks pregnant with twins I went into shock - he went out to his car and drove away. I haven"t seen him since."

"Imagine my surprise when I hound out he wasn't gay."

"I'd super glue his butt-cheeks together if he left me for another woman ........... hang on he did !"

"He insisted on wearing these ridiculous green tights every time he made love ..... it was a really wierd thing."

"It all went wrong when we moved in together. I was expected to make his meals, keep the place clean. I even was stupid enough to put my engagement ring on my credit which the expectation that he make the payments. He cheated on me, pawned my ring, stole my laptop, newly bought TV and VCR, and took off in his bosses truck. He left me 1-month pregnant, penniless and with a nasty disease of the what-nots."

"My Grandmother died ... so he dumped me."

"I'm going to hunt you down like a wild beast Apollo. It will all climax when you go off for a relaxing vacation somewhere. When you least expect it I will appear out of the shadows, loom out of the darkness, the moonlight emphasizing the sharp blade of my axe as I decapitate you. Either that or I'll trick you into drinking some drugged ovaltine, and when you're asleep I'll pop a black plastic bin bag over your head and you'll be history. I'll dispose of you by selling your body parts on ebay. I'll place your sawn off buttocks on the hood of my car as an ornament. I'll make you rue the day you dumped me for Celine Dion."

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